Title: Damn Shelby, Back at it again with the Green K!
Author: Kathy
Rating: R for some swear words
Spoilers: This is totally AU
Category: Parody
Pairing: General/friendship
Length: 913 words
Summary: Shelby gains the ability to talk after chewing on a piece kryptonite and he has quite a lot to say!
Disclaimer: This story is purely for fun and no profit. I don't own Smallville or any of its characters. The WB has that privilege. THOSE JERKS
A/N: For the SVSunkenship fest of 2016: I lost my original, so I had to rewrite it and I kind of like this version more, because it kind of feels like a fever dream. ENJOY!!

Damn Shelby, Back it again with the Green K!

Life is Smallville was often unpredictable, sometimes terrifying but never boring. And this was definitely one of the “not boring” instances.

Martha Kent peered down warily into her golden retriever’s Shelby’s expectant face. “I’m sorry Shelby, BUT DID YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING??!!”

Shelby sighed slightly and lowered his head. “Oh Mom, I thought you’d be cooler than this.”

Outraged, Martha pointed accusingly at her previously non-verbal dog. “Excuse me?! How ‘cool’ do you think most people would be when their dog starts talking to them?”

Shelby tilted his furry head in consideration. “I guess I can see your point,” he conceded. But then he suddenly looked up, his brown eyes getting impossibly rounder. “Do you think you’ll be making more bacon later?”


Clark took Sheby’s new found voice just as well. “Holy crow, Shelby can talk?!”

He watched as his formerly friendly dog shook his head and snorted derisively. “Clark man, keep up. This happened yesterday after I ate a crap load of those green rocks.”

Shelby grinned over at Clark’s still shocked facial expression. “They were damn tasty. Almost as tasty as that letter Lana left for you the other day.”

At Clark’s aggrieved squawk, Shelby simply rolled his eyes. “Seriously, only that pretentious bitch would write you a five page letter, both sides covered, on pear scented paper.”

When he heard Martha head towards the kitchen, his ears perked up and when she opened a cabinet, Shelby walked quickly towards the kitchen. “Maybe Mom’s making more bacon.”


Clark grinned in anticipation at Shelby, holding both of his arms out to the dog, both fists tightly closed.

“Okay Shelby, guess which hand…”

“Clark, for heaven’s sake, do you think you’re dealing with an amateur?”

At Clark’s crestfallen expression, Shelby relented, sighing loudly. “Alright Clark, I’ll play.”

Clark immediately brightened up and excitedly extended his arms out in front of him, fists again tightly closed. “Okay Shelby, which hand am I hiding your treat?”

Shelby sighed again and spoke deliberately. “The biscuit’s in your right hand.”

“Wrong!” Clark triumphantly shouted. “It was in my right!!”

Shelby brought one of his paws up to cover his eyes, knowing it was going to be a long night.


And because Clark was so completely awesome at keeping other people’s secrets to himself, he called Chloe for help and a disbelieving Chloe then contacted Lex, truly afraid their friend had finally gone around the bend.

Lois and Lana just randomly showed up at the farm, as they were want to do.

Clark watched his friends as they all stared at Shelby in dumbfounded silence, looking at each other in amazement. To their credit, Lex and Chloe recovered first and Chloe, in true reporter fashion, began to ask questions.

“Meteor rocks?” Chloe asked hesitantly.

“Chloe, my fellow blondie-blonde, you can call it by its real name, kryptonite.” Shelby answered cheekily.

He cringed in embarrassment at Lois and Lana’s surprised gasps and noticed the total lack of astonishment as Chloe and Lex exchanged shrewd glances.

Shelby could also see Martha and Clark’s worried expressions and he rushed to assuage them. “Guys, you have to know that if Lex and Chloe were going to expose Clark’s secret, they would have done it already.”

Mother and son traded a second look, both nodding in acknowledgement. Chloe and Lex smiled in relief, but Shelby still had some choice words for Clark.

He wagged his head sadly at Clark, raising a paw and gesturing towards the still incredulous brunette women. “Honestly Clark, how can you stand this? They are both too insipid to live!”

Lana gasped again, this time in affronted anger. She stood up from the couch the four of them had been sitting on and pointed dramatically to the once amiable dog. “How DARE you SPEAK to me like…”

“Bitch please, no one is impressed,” Shelby smoothly interrupted. Stunned, Lana’s mouth gaped open, and he rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, this one’s a real prize.”

Clark made an attempt at gallantry. “Now Shelby…”

But Shelby continued talking, “ I mean, I see the attraction. Lana’s such an honest and open-minded person, accepting of differences in personality or what no. She’s not in the least bit two-faced or judgmental and she’s definitely known for her capacity for forgiveness.”

He levelled her with a scathing look. “Or not.”

Lana’s face twisted in anger, her entire being starting to shake. “How dare, how can you…” she sputtered, totally unable to speak coherently.

Shelby flopped to the ground, “Just sayin,’” he drawled.

He was suddenly overcome with exhaustion and he stretched out in front of the fireplace. “I am soooo tired!” He yawned loudly, rolled onto his back, and started wiggling around. “Dear GOD, but my back is so freakin’ ITCHY!!”

Despite her own wonderment, Lois laughed and bent down to roll Shelby back onto his stomach. “Here let me help,” and she proceeded to scratch the golden retriever until her arm hurt and he was chortling in sheer itch free joy. She patted him gently on his head as he smiled gently at her. “You know, Lois? I don’t care what the people at The Talon say, you’re alright.”

As Lois’ beamed happily, Shelby forged on. “ You may be clueless and kind of a bimbo, but you’re okay.” He nodded at Clark. “I’ve decided I approve.”

He glanced around the Kent’s living room and turned hopefully to Chloe and Lex. “I don’t suppose you have any bacon on you?”