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Thread: Private Conversations *NC-17*

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    Private Conversations *NC-17*

    Disclaimer: The characters contained in the following pages do not belong to either of us. They belong to the WB and all of its entities. No copyright infringement is intended. AKA don't sue us.

    Blue: Hello all. Here's the winner of the poll. I believe that this fic was all Sabby's 'fault' so thank her for it.

    Sabby: I wish I could say she's lying, but she's not. So I hope you enjoy the crackness of it all.


    ~~


    The crickets were chirping merrily along as Wanda traipsed her way through the forest. She loved nature. She knew that it had a great deal to tell people but they wouldn’t listen. Her skirt made out of hemp got caught on a bush and she gently disentangled it so the vegetation wouldn’t be harmed.

    People didn’t understand that there was harmony between the human body and the world. And the animals, humans and the world. And other humans with each other, animals, plants and the world. But she would change all of that.

    The substance in the jar would help with that. Soon, the lines of communication would be wholly open. Wanda couldn’t wait.

    True, she hadn’t done many experiments but she was sure that once she set up the humidifier that would disperse the gas that humans and animals would finally be able to communicate.

    Unfortunately for Wanda, she was so busy looking ahead to the future that she wasn’t looking ahead of herself. While her experiment survived the plunge down the old mineshaft, she did not.

    Also unfortunately for her, she didn’t die outright. She lived long enough to curse her own stupidity and wish that she had listened more carefully to what she really thought. She had been raised a tree hugger but had always wanted to make gobs of money. That was what was really wrong with people. Never listening to their baser instincts.

    Wanda died a short time later. But not before activating her experiment. The green gas wafted up out of the whole and the few short feet towards the road…just in time to pass through the open window of a Porsche.

    ~~

    Lex sniffed twice as a peculiar smell wafted into the confined space of his car and shook his head. He rolled up the window and started the A/C. Fresh Kansas air was not what it was cracked up to be sometimes.

    As the fresh, ventilated, artificial air wafted around his nose, he forgot all about the smell and focused on what was ahead of him. He had a date in Metropolis this evening, and it wouldn't do to be late. After all, it had been a while since he'd gotten the opportunity to have some fun.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    The woman had talked entirely too much during their date. But she had gorgeous long legs that she had spread willingly at the end of the night, so Lex didn't complain.

    “Oh, yes! Oh! Lex! Oh! Harder!”

    In a world were everything was fake, he'd stopped paying attention to anything that came out of a woman's mouth. Especially during sex.

    Lex took the gorgeous long legs from around his waist and shifted them up to his shoulders, then sped up his thrust as he tried to focus on his own pleasure.

    “Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” **mmphm. Hphmm. Grmph**

    He would have ignored the enthusiastic noises as well, if they weren't overlapped by the low, muffled sounds that sounded like they weren't coming out of the red head he was fucking.

    Lex's thrusts faltered for a moment and looked around, but there was no one except the two of them in the room.

    “What's wrong, Lexy?”

    “Don't call me that,” he snapped just as the noise came again **Grrrmph. Hrmph**

    Lex looked around again, but there was nothing there that could've caused the noise. Shaking it off, he went back to matters at hand.

    “Ohh, yes, Lex, yes, that's good. So good.”

    He closed his eyes and tried to drown out the 'act' going on as he focused on getting both of them off as fast as possible. This was a rather disappointing lay.

    **mmhmmphf*

    Shaking his head, his hips sped up and he could feel orgasm finally coming on.

    The screams coming from his bed partner drowned out anything else there might have been and Lex pulled back from the woman the moment his body was out of climax. No nice languid aftermath.

    He got up from the bed and pulled off the condom, tying it off and throwing it in the trashcan.

    **You've really got no taste at all, do ya?**

    Lex whipped around, looking for the source of the snide voice.

    “Lex, is there something wrong?” The red head had pulled the sheets up to her chest in a late show of modesty.

    “No of course not,” he answered coldly.

    **Psst, smartass. Not over there, down here.**

    Lex's face whipped in the other direction, but there was nobody there.

    He shook his head and hastily gathered his clothes. “It was nice meeting you,” Casie, Carry, Cathy, Candy?, “Sweetcheeks, but I forgot I have a meeting early tomorrow morning.”

    **You've lied better**

    Lex clenched his jaw and ignored the voice. He had to be losing his mind.

    **Nope, all's fresh up there. Talking about fresh, I could use a shower.**

    “Will you call me?”

    “Sure,” Lex said absently as he pulled on the last of his clothes and grabbed his coat.

    **Mmph, could've been a bit more caremmphm* Lex adjusted his pants and stopped dead in his motions when the voice suddenly became muffled.

    His gaze slowly went down and he took his hand away. **Brute**

    Swallowing heavily, he shook his head and practically fled from the hotel room.

    ~~
    Something was most definitely up. Yes, Chloe could usually make nothing into something if she needed to but this wasn’t the case. It appeared as if Lex Luthor was talking to himself in one of the booths.

    It was subtle. In order to be able to tell, you’d have to really be looking, which Chloe was. She’d been following his movements since he’d come into the Talon. But only because he looked off in some way.

    He’d walked in the way he usually did, passed by people ignoring them like he usually did, but then his step had faltered. He’d looked down briefly and she’d seen his lips moving.

    Chloe had sat back in her own booth and picked up her paper. She didn’t want to appear to be watching him. Lex had settled himself and she’d looked over at him every now and again. He seemed almost fidgety and yes, there it was again, he was talking to himself again.

    She was starting to get interested. And worried, of course. But mostly interested.

    Lex couldn't believe what he was doing. There were only two possible explanations for it. Either, he had completely lost his mind, which he wasn't so sure he had. Or it had to be some kind of Smallville specific weirdness.

    He was sitting in public having a conversation with his dick.

    ”Could you shut up? Just for twenty minutes.”

    **hrmph. It's not like you're talking to anybody else**

    Lex gripped his coffee cup a little tighter and tried to ignore his indignant organ.

    Two days ago, he'd fled from a meaningless fuck. **And a boring one at that** “Shut up!”

    He'd fled from a meaningless fuck because he'd heard voices in his head. Or more specifically, voice, singular. And the voice hadn't gone away. It had talked at him incessantly, trying to convince him it was actually his penis, talking to him.

    Lex had tested that little theory much the same way he had done accidentally, by pressing his hand over the length of it. Instantly, the voice had become muffled and uttered indignant grunts. By that point, he'd been sure he'd lost his mind.

    His dick on the other hand had been enthused that Lex could actually hear it and understand. Which was probably the reason it hadn't stopped talking until he'd taken five sleeping pills and dropped into a comatose sleep.

    The moment he'd woken up, the chatter had started all over again, morning erection not withstanding.

    **Ohh, ohhh! Hot thing on 2 o'clock! Look, fast!**

    Instead of looking in the indicated direction, Lex looked down into his lap. “What you have x-ray vision now, too?”

    **Don't be ridiculous! I don't have eyes. But I can hear a pussy calling for a fuck just fine**

    Lex's eyes widened and he finally looked in the direction his cock had pointed to. Thankfully, not literally pointed.

    His eyes latched onto a brunette leaning over the counter, ordering her drink.

    **Ohh, better than I expected. Look at that ass! Get me in there.**

    Lex closed his eyes. He had the almost unbearable urge to smash his head against the desk until he passed out.

    Chloe couldn’t understand what was going on. It really bothered her. What was Lex doing. Yes, he was an odd duck. But more in the eccentric bazillionaire way. Not the sitting by yourself and talking to yourself way. At least he’d been the former until about ten minutes ago.

    He looked at something in his lap and then his eyes sought out what turned out to be a woman on the other side of the room. Chloe couldn’t help but smile and shake her head at that. Men really were ruled by their dicks. How sad.

    Though, if she listened to her own hormones, she didn’t want to think about how much trouble she’d be in.

    The woman in the short skirt that Lex was ogling grabbed her coffee and then joined a group of people at a table. As Chloe’s eyes followed the woman, Lana came into view. Chloe quickly looked back at her paper.

    Lex's eyes followed the brunette and inevitably landed on a familiar face. He smiled at Lana as his eyes took in her looks out of sheer habit.

    **Would you quit?! You can't be serious! That one's so stiff, her pussy is talking in Victorian English. It actually yelled prithee! the first time I said hello.**

    Lex's gaze went back to his lap. His brows furrowed. “Are you telling me you are having,” Lex cast about for a good way to ask the question on his mind. “Private conversations among each other?”

    **Course**

    He closed his eyes, then opened them and tried to keep up a normal facade.

    Another interesting turn. Usually when Lex looked at Lana it was pathetic. She still couldn’t believe that the man was fooling himself into believing he had feelings for their mutual ‘friend.’ It was sad to see how the mighty have fallen.

    And Lex was looking down again. Did he have some sort of device under the table that he was talking into? What was going on? She had to know.

    Chloe folded up her newspaper and put it back in her bag. She gave herself the once over in the mirror behind the coffee bar and then made her way over to Lex’s booth.

    “I’m bored sitting by my lonesome, mind if I join you?” Chloe didn’t wait for a response. She just sat down. “So, how ya been Lex?”

    Inwardly, he cursed a blue streak but kept his face as smooth as possible. “Fine, thanks for asking, and yourself?”

    **PRAISE THE LORD WE HAVE FOUND PARADISE!!**

    Lex stiffened up for a moment, barely suppressing a wince.

    **Look at that mouth, look at those breasts, oh my god, you can't be serious. This is too good to be true. You must fuck her**

    He tried to ignore his rambling dick and actually listen to Chloe Sullivan. At least it was idle chit chat, so he could get away with not really hearing something. But knowing the young woman in front of him, he had a feeling it wouldn't stay that way for long. If she was out for another interview he had to be on his toes.

    **You've got to take her. She wants you. Trust me. She looked at me the other day. She wants me.**

    Lex sat up a little straighter. He was immensely glad that he was the only one who could hear his dick. This would be downright mortifying else. It had to be kidding.

    **I'm not, seriously, you didn't see it but she was staring right at me. You were looking at some other chick.**

    “Hmm?”

    “I was asking if you were feeling alright,” Chloe said, slowly. It was almost as if Lex were distracted by something. But he wasn’t looking behind her so it couldn’t be some sort of visual stimuli. She didn’t hear or smell anything out of the ordinary.

    This was very odd. Even if something was wrong with Lex, he usually covered it much better than this. His body language was all over the place. First defensive when she’d walked over and he’d noticed her. Then he had gotten all stiff.

    “Hope you don’t take offense, but you are acting a little off,” she commented. She sat back in her seat and placed her bag on the chair next to her. Lex was still looking at her warily. “What, can’t a girl be concerned about her…acquaintance?”

    Lex barely stifled a snort. Concerned, more like curious if there's a story in it.

    “I'm fine, just a little preoccupied with something concerning work.”

    **Come on, don't be like that. She wants you! Do that charm thing and get her.**

    He wished his cock would just shut up. If it kept talking at him he would never be able to pull this off convincingly and get the girl off his back. She's too young, she doesn't even really like me, he thought avidly before concentrating on the conversation with Chloe.

    “And if you're looking for a story, I have to disappoint you. I have no comments to make at this point.”

    **I sure have. You should hear what her pussy's got to say. She's drooling for you, if you catch my drift.**

    The sly voice was grating on his last nerve. If it wasn't too obvious, he'd put a hand under the table and...

    **Okay, okay. I get it. Urgh. Eww. Shift away, fast**

    Unfortunately, Lex reacted to the warning before he thought about it and shifted further into the booth just as the waitress approached.

    “Can I get either of you anything?” she asked in a sweet voice.

    “No, thank you.” Lex said smoothly as he wondered why the hell his cock reacted so violently to the approach of the girl.

    **Two words, pal. Yeast Infection. Urgh. Poor thing.**

    The hell if there wasn’t something wrong. Lex had moved away from the waitress before she’d approached and then had made a face, an actual facial expression, of disgust when her back had turned.

    Chloe crossed one leg over the other and leaned forward a little before dropping her voice. If Lex was in pain or something, well, she supposed whatever story he was sitting on would have to go to the back burner. “Lex, seriously, you ok? If something is wrong, maybe I can help? In a non write about it sort of way, of course.”

    **Tell her you're a virgin and you need to have sex before the clock strikes midnight or you'll die**

    Lex's gaze flashed to his lap. “Bit melodramatic, and not entirely credible.”

    His eyes flicked back up when he noticed he'd made the mistake of speaking out loud. Thankfully, the comment might as well have been directed at her offer.

    “Never mind that I don't need any help. I'm perfectly fine. Thanks for your concern, though.”

    He made to get out of the table and away from this conversation as fast as possible.

    **Noo! Don't go! You can have her, come on. I have it on good authority her ass is burning to be fucked by me.**

    Lex tried to ignore his cock and get away from the entire situation.

    **It's a virgin!**

    “If you'll excuse me, I actually have to get back to work.”

    **Grmph. Fucking spoil sport.**

    Lex had fled the scene. His words hadn’t been particularly well thought out or believable. Then there was the fact he’d been looking down again the first time he’d addressed her. Her brow furrowed as she watched him leave.

    She would get to the bottom of this with or without Lex’s help. Smallville could be a dangerous place and burying your head in the sand about problems could come back to kill you.

    ~~
    Lex slammed the car door behind him and tore out of the parking space and onto the road to the mansion.

    “I can't believe you kept talking while she was practically putting me under a microscope!”

    He was outraged, and he had to admit embarrassed at the whole situation. Up to and including his rapid escape.

    **Well if you'd listened to me...**

    “The problem is that I have to listen to you! What do you think is going to happen if she figures out that I'm talking to my dick and not only that, but I'm convinced that my dick is actually answering,: he ground out through his teeth.

    This was unbelievable. How was he going to be able to live with this? How could he go through board meetings and conference calls, or any fucking part of work for that matter while his dick was chattering incessantly about any piece of ass walking by.

    **Please, you should know I'm unconscious while you work. It's like Lifetime channel, puts me out like a light.**

    Lex gritted his teeth and sped towards home. He had to figure out a way to make his dick shut up. Somehow. How could he go out in public? Even if it was asleep at work, there were always women everywhere else he went.

    **Give me a little credit! I have a very selective taste. Now that Chloe girl. Hmmm.**

    “Shut up!”

    **Why should I? It's just you and me. Her pussy told me she's been drooling over you for quite some time. She's the one who told me her ass wants me. Well, she said it 'wants me but doesn't want to want me' whatever that means**

    “She's barely out of high school! Her ass is probably not the only virgin part about her.”

    **Oh, her pussy's not a virgin. Hasn't been for a while.**

    “What?”

    Lex was curious despite himself. He didn't want to know, really, he just wanted to know.

    **Heh, yeah. She's not had a lot of experience with that but there've been a few.**

    “Who?”

    **No one we know. No, not the farmboy. He's gotten to third base, that's all.**

    “What makes you think I care.”

    **You can't fool your own dick, Lex. Oh, and she's also tipped the velvet.**

    He almost drove the car off the road as mental images assaulted his mind.

    **I see that makes me stand up straighter.**

    “Yea, but don't get too excited about it. Nothing's going to happen.”

    **Why not?**

    Lex tore up the driveway and killed the engine with a vengeance in front of the main doors. If he had to listen to the whining of his dick for one more minute, he couldn't be held responsible for his actions.

    It was just too much to ask to stay sane while the organ you were supposedly led around by, if feminists were to be believed, kept up a never ending conversation in your mind.

    “Because she's too young. Because she doesn't want me. Because she doesn't even really like me. And because I'm bloody fucking going insane!”

    **Excuses, excuses. She’s not too young. We’ve fucked younger. She does want you, I just told you that. And who cares if she likes you, that’s hardly the point. But, you’re right about one thing. You are going insane if you think that Lana girl is a better option for us.**

    Lex stalked up the stairs to his study, ignoring his cock’s prattling long enough to bark at the servants to leave him alone.

    Once the door was firmly shut behind him, leaving him alone to deal with his annoying dick, he glared down at his pants.

    “I haven’t seriously considered her. It was just a thought. She looks like a virgin, she’d be tight.”

    And he had no idea why the hell he was even justifying random thoughts to his own prick. “Fact of the matter is, I’m not going to fuck either of them.”

    He slammed a few folders around and settled himself behind his desk. How he was going to get any work done was still a mystery to him.

    “Is there anything that will make you shut up?”

    ***Lana probably would be tight. But she wouldn’t move we both know that. Chloe, on the other hand, I have on good authority is very adventurous and tight. I’ll shut up if you at least call her and set up a meeting with her. Did you see her mouth? I know a cocksucker when I see one**

    “Why the hell would I want to meet up with her? Even if she was interested, she’d never admit it and all she would do was use it as an opportunity to try and get an interview.”

    This whole idea was just ridiculous. He needed to do something to get his damn cock to shut up. The only problem was that he couldn’t keep strangling it, because that fucking hurt. Remembering the night that his dick had first started talking, an idea came to mind. There was a much more pleasant way to muffle the damn thing.


    tbc

  2. #2
    NS Senior Member Senior Member malugargula's Avatar
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    ROFLMAO
    Congratulations girls, this is the funniest thing I`ve ever read
    How can you be so creative?

    I can`t stop imagining Lex talking to his penis
    LOL
    Wonderful start
    Please more soon
    Malu

  3. #3
    An Accused Heretic Senior Member Kit Merlot's Avatar
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    Oh man, this is freakin' brilliant!

    I can not wait for more
    KATHY

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  4. #4
    NS Senior Member Senior Member
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    Yes! I love that this idea won! The comments made by Lex's penis are hilarious, and I can safely say that is the first time I ever wrote that in a review. As promised, will Chloe also be hit by Wanda's freaky experiment? Also, why do I feel that Lex's dick might not appreciate the plan so much if it knows that refusing to work will get him Chloe? I can't wait for more of this funny and freaky fic.

  5. #5
    NS Junior Member liz_antoinette's Avatar
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    ROFLMAO!!! This is too funny!! Can't wait for more!

  6. #6
    NS Senior Member Senior Member lj715's Avatar
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    Omg...you have got to be kidding me! Well, can't wait to see where this is gonna go. Still like what I voted for, maybe sometime later you would make it into a fic.

  7. #7
    NS Full Member kimmie's Avatar
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    this is bloody brilliant and so funny! The dialogue is hillarious I nearly wet myself laughing, my husband thinks I've gone crazy!!!

    -K-

  8. #8
    NS Junior Member
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    Too funny, cant wait for the next update.

  9. #9
    NS Senior Member Senior Member carebear72884's Avatar
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    amazing, I just finish reading your other fics that you are working on and find a brand new one waiting for me. You girls are amazing!!! Great start and more soon!!

  10. #10
    is pushing daisies Senior Member
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    Re: Private Conversations *NC-17*

    Oh my!!!! I nearly fell off my chair with this. This is just utterly hilarious! I've already fallen in love with it. Now let's get Chloe started with those conversations
    Say what you will.

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