Title: Big D (PG-13)
Author: Scorch
Email: Miss_Incognito3@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humour
Content: Chlex
Summary: Lex's feels the full force of Chloe's opinions.
Disclaimer: I own nixies.
Distribution: N-S, FF.net, anyplace else, just ask.
Notes: This was a Cordy/angel, but reading it last night, I saw a whole lotta Chlex goin on. Enjoy!
"You can't be serious, Lex," Chloe pleaded as she paced back and forth in front of her husband. Normally, the sight of him cradling his son would make her smile, but not today.
Lex gave her a weird look. "What's the matter with it? It's one of my personal favourites."
"Wrong is what it is. How can you subject our son to that?" She asked desperately. Did he really want his son to become an addict to those kinds of movies?
His lips twitched in amusement as he continued to follow her pacing. "Subject him to what?" Lex paused to pull a face at the infant currently trying to make a meal of his shirt. "It's not Debbie Does Dallas, Chloe. It's Disney's Snow White. There's nothing bad in it."
"Nothing bad?" She yelled, taking him by surprise. "Nothing bad? Snow White is one of Big D’s most scandalous cartoons of them all."
Lex was fairly sure he was going to regret asking, but he just had to ask. "How is a Disney cartoon scandalous?"
Chloe took a moment to get herself and her thoughts together. It wouldn't look good if she didn't have all the facts straight, now would it?
"Okay," her voice was at its normal volume. "First off, we are asked to believe that this lovely young woman slept helplessly within reach of seven little men who were old, ugly, and infirm. Can you see any old, ugly, and infirm little men getting any action anytime soon, because I can't."
He blinked and she continued after a deep breath. "We agree that not only were these seven little men old, ugly, and infirm, but also sex starved. Do you know any sex starved little men who'd let a beautiful, helpless young woman sleep alone without trying a little something?" She smirked and took his silence as an answer.
"let's take a closer at these vertically challenged, so-called harmless little men. Doc. He was obviously kicked out of med school. Now that I think about it, he was probably the one who invented the potion that rendered poor Snow helpless." Chloe's pacing didn't falter. "Sleepy is just an undiagnosed narcoleptic."
Lex found himself remarkably speechless as his wife continued.
"Next on the list suspects is Grumpy." She began to count them off one by one. "Grumpy got his nickname because he went on a permanent downer after Doc couldn't get his hands on anymore Meth. Now we come to Happy and it really doesn't take a genius to figure out what he was dealing in. Sneezy, he's bound to be an addict to all sorts of inhalants with a severe nasal problem like that. Dopey? Enough said. Last but not least, we have Bashful, who was obviously an ex Catholic priest with low self esteem."
"Chloe..." Lex tried, but to no avail.
"Come on, Lex, how am I supposed to believe that seven men who have zero chance of scoring a touchdown would pass up this chance? I know for a fact Dopey gave her a, and I quote, well intentioned kiss on the forehead." She paused her pacing and treated to give him an all-knowing look. "In other words, we have six horny little men and one who isn't quite sure if he's horny or not."
Resuming her walkathon, "Cue Prince Charming," she told the astounded billionaire. "He comes along on his noble steed or CLK Mercedes, whichever you prefer, and opens the glass coffin. Coffin insinuating poor little Snow is dead by the way, and he kisses her. Does the word necrophilia mean anything to you?"
"Let's recap the facts I have so clearly pointed out. Fact number one," Lex went to say something, but found himself hushed. "We all know Snow was babe, right? Fairest in the land and all that jazz."
Lex could only nod.
"Right. Fact number two, she was left comatosed in a glass coffin. Fact number three, she was coveted and handled by said guardians while in a comatose state. Fact number four, those guardians were all old, infirm, and slow-witted, ensuring a helpless babe is being cared for by a bunch of horny little men. So tell me Lex, do you think Snow White is a good movie for our son to watch, hmm?" Chloe crossed her arms and tapped her foot in a really irritating rhythm as she waited for an answer.
Lex rubbed the bridge of his nose and eventually asked, "How about the Little Mermaid?"
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