For You, I Die (1/1) (R)

[w1cked]

the title was amazing.... the beginning was amazing. the ending is not connected to any of it! lol. i was hoping for some sappy moment where she actually said 'for you i die' but no such luck... ::shrugs:: oh well. c'est la vive.

[Zannie]

That was fabulous. Incredibly effective and powerful for such a short, concise scene.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the story, but when I read the first paragraph . . .

Chloe’s eyes are wide, and there are tears shining in them. Lex’s hand is covering hers and he’s worrying his lip between his teeth.

. . . I misread it as saying that Lex was worrying her lip between his teeth, which I thought was such a unexpected way to describe a kiss. And then I was picturing them in a kind of angsty embrace. And then Gabe was suddenly there, close enough to touch her hair. And then I was like, "What the HELL is going on?" Let me tell you, it was a very strange image. Fortunately, I then reread the first paragraph, and all was well again.

I like how tight and punchy the dialogue is here. It really conveys the drama and mood, which is often hard in third person objective. I hate using that POV myself, but you did a really good job and I could feel with all of them at every moment.

Chloe blinks and a tear falls out of her eye. “Lex, I have to tell you, you’re very good at scaring the shit out of me. I’m not sure it’s my favorite quality of yours.”

“Chlo,” Gabe says, his hand falling to her shoulder. “Don’t say that.”

Lex holds up a hand. “Mr. Sullivan, your daughter has every right to hate me right now--”

Gabe looks at him and his already false smile, the same one he’s been wearing for days, turns stale. “I meant for her to not curse.”

Gabe was only in it for a short time, but I love how you managed to capture a natural, loving father/daughter dynamic.

The little details you included--like Lex looking purposefully away and the fake smiles--were excellent. And the whole scene comes off as realistic and emotionally compelling.

And I've just got to say . . .

Lex huffs out the barest laugh.

. . . I have worked for more than a year, trying to come up with an effective way to describe this particular kind of laugh. And I've never been satisfied with what I came up with. But that line is absolutely perfect--it precisely describes the exact mood of this kind of laugh. But now I'm mad because you wrote it first, so now I'll never be able to equal this description. Urgh.

Wonderful story. Great portraits of both Chloe and Lex, and very moving depiction of an emotional moment.

[PMD]

Oh sweetie, this was incredible. It sings to the heart and the feelings coming from the characters you wrote, just blew me away---pardon the blow up pun. <g> Please, continue---with a sequel. But if you can't, this one shot will live in my mind and heart forever.

[Reese]

Now here's something I find interesting about the Short Stories forum: You see up there in the title line where it says 1/1. Somehow that typo *always* shows up around here. Always.

Luckily, I have enough experience around here to know that it is simply a typo.

And will be corrected.

Shortly.

Right? *hopeful glance*

Lovely short story (or should I say...beginning of a longer story? Huh? Maybe?). I, like Zannie, misread the opening at first and thought "What kind of story has Lex, Chloe AND Gabe all tangled up in each other?" (I still get a little queasy just remembering the moment before I realized I'd misread it).

So this is a lovely start...as in beginning...as in, that 1/1 thing is a typo that needs to be corrected. ASAP.

Reese

[Ami Rose]

That was beautifully written!