A/N: Hey. This is just a short little piece of angsty fluff partly inspired by Meghan036’s video “Let Me Go.” Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Sadly, still not mine.
Rating: G-ish
Summary: Chloe knows there are things he can’t tell her. She knows that it shouldn’t bother her. But it’s hard to know that the person you love is hiding things from you. (I know, I suck at summaries.)
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It’s hard to know that I don’t know everything about him.
It's harder to now the truth. That this is my fault. I chose this.
Tonight, like most every night, I’m laying here in our bed watching him sleep. There’s a vulnerability in his features that wouldn’t dare creep into his face when he’s conscious. It’s so refreshing to see such a softness in him. He’s always so intense. The thoughts running through his head, constantly causing the look of deep concentration at all times.
Sometimes when he gets that look on his face, the one where I can practically see the wheels spinning out of control in his mind, I wonder what he’s thinking. I’ll be staring so long that eventually he’ll look up at me and I turn away. He knows what I’m doing, knows why I do it.
He told me from the beginning that there would be things about his business, about him, that he wouldn’t be able to tell me. I accepted it at the time. I loved him so much then that the little secrets didn’t matter as long as I had him. Because he was all I wanted.
I want more now. I want the truth. All those petty little details that he thinks I’m better off not knowing. I need it. I love him more now than I did then, more than I thought was possible. I was so young then, so blinded by passion. I never gave it a second thought once he said that he loved me.
I’m older now. It’s been five years I think as I stare down at the platinum and diamond band on my left hand. The day he slid it on to rest next to the four carat solitaire I was willing to do whatever I had to do to keep him. I vowed to silently accept whatever he needed to keep private.
Five years.
I gaze over my husband’s face. I know Lex’s features better than I know my own. Every line of his face more familiar than the ones I’ve acquired. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that we’ve been together for so long. When I said yes I thought it would be for forever. As time went on, forever became a harder goal to reach. Love wasn’t enough to get us there.
When I work up enough courage I’ll ask him what he thinks is so horrible that he feels he can’t share it with me. But I already know.
The threats.
The lies.
The blackmail.
The shady dealings that aren’t exactly legal.
The people who cross him and then disappear.
I know in my heart that he loves me. That he just wants to protect me. I think some small part of him still thinks of me as that seventeen year old who came to him for help when she got in over her head. Then he’ll tell me how strong I am, how he can’t believe everything I’ve been through. I see flashes of that explosion and I know he still blames himself.
I don’t want him to blame himself. I want him to let me in. I want him to give me more than the fraction of himself he does now. I want him to share his burden with me, to let me help him carry the weight of it all. But he doesn’t, won’t. He closes that part of himself off from me. The mystery swirling around him used to intrigue me. Now it saddens me. He only gives me a small portion of his soul. I feel guilty when I start to think that it’s not enough. When I start to think that I’ll never be really happy until I’ve gotten all of him.
As scary as it seems I’m starting to see more and more of Lionel in him. It’s the thought that keeps me up at night, distracts me from my daily life, wakes me in a panic. If only I knew what was causing this blackness to envelope him, maybe I could stop him from turning into his father.
He started talking about children again tonight. We sat together at dinner and he brought up that the wife of one of executives is pregnant for the fourth time. He’s looking at me with that look again, and I can feel in my bones that he blames me. He would never say it, but it’s there. He’s carrying around this bit of resentment that I haven’t given him a child, an heir. It’s what he wants more than anything. And God help me I want it to. But I can’t let us, let myself, have that until I get what I need. It’s selfish and I feel even more guilty.
Suddenly Lex moans and he his eyes flutter open. He smiles slightly, and holds an arm open to me. I snuggle against his chest and listen to his heart beating steadily underneath my cheek.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks softly as he strokes my hair.
“Kids.” I confess.
I feel him tense slightly and I know he’s hoping I’ve changed my mind.
“And?”
“Lex, you know I want kids with you more than anything…”
“But?”
“I just can’t.” I tell him and sit up away from him.
He sits up too, and starts to rub my back soothingly. “Chloe, isn’t there any way we can get past this?”
“Lex you know how I feel.”
“I’m just trying to protect you.” he says.
“From what?!” I demand as I spin around to face him.
“I just want you to be safe.” he whispers, his eyes falling downwards.
I remember the first time I say that tiny sliver of nervousness in him. It was so different from anything I’d ever seen in him before. I had just graduated from Metropolis U and he and I were dancing at the graduation party he threw for Clark and me. He pulled me out onto his terrace and kissed me. I never saw it coming, and I was floored when he said he was in love with me. The fear of rejection was plainly etched across his face and it made me want to be his forever.
“Lex, I just want to know that there aren’t any secrets between us.” By now tears are starting to slip down my cheeks.
He puts his hands to my face and wipes them away as they continue to fall. “Chloe, you’re the only good thing I’ve ever had in my life. I want to keep it that way. I refuse to let my business taint what we have.”
I place my hands over his on my face. “Are you afraid I’ll leave if I know the truth?”
He doesn’t have to answer. The sorrow in his eyes says it all, and it’s breaking my heart.
“I won’t” I whisper.
He leans in to kiss me softly. I place my forehead against his. “I just want to know you.”
“You know me like no one ever has. You know all there is, the good and the bad.”
I open my mouth to respond, but he cuts me off. “I’ll try.”
“Lex, I wasn’t going -”
“I know. But I love you, I want to make you happy.”
“You do.”
“I’ll never be able to tell you everything.” he says quietly.
My heart breaks a little as the words wash over me. It’s not what I want to hear, but it’s a start. “That’s fine. I just want to know you more.”
He kisses me again, leaning back and pulling me with him.
“I’ll try too.” I breath in his ear.
He pulls back and looks at me.
“Really?”
There’s a hopefulness in his voice now that I’ve never heard before. I should have given him this sooner, and I hate myself for causing him pain. I nod. He pulls me to him again and I hope that after tonight I can give him what he wants: a baby, a family.
And just maybe tomorrow he’ll give me what I need: the truth about himself.
I only hope it’s enough for us both.
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