Like AnnaBelle, my bf is in Med School too... I can't really imagie how hard it must be ! So I wish you really good luck with your shifts *hugs*, and hope you can get a good night (or day) of sleep as soon as possible
Like everyone else, I'll be waiting patiently (well I'll try my very best!), 'til you are able to write.
Again, good luck with your work!
Part II and III were intense. It inspired a strong sense of sadness in me that was bitter and lovely in its grimness. Throughout the story, many different tangents are touched upon. What made it compelling was that they all related to each other in some way. Some aspect of the previous paragraph was carried over to the next paragraph and so on. Each different memory, emotion, along the way strengthened the emotion I felt and pulled me forward.
Chloe is strong, stubborn, resilient, resourceful (and many other things). Yet here, she abandons these (and more) characteristics. Here she seems so unlike herself. And it is because of her personality that I believe makes her reactions and feelings to Gabe's dying that much more devastating and true. Death is extreme and life-altering. I believe that it would be incredibly hard for Chloe to deal with something she has absolutely no control over.
Lex and Chloe's relationship could be viewed as complex. How deep her love for him runs is obvious. Seen from Chloe's p.o.v., Lex may seem cruel at times (him saying that he stay for however long she needed, however meaning only a few days), but that is only from Chloe's p.o.v..
She can forget ( keep him out of her head) about him during times when she is almost carefree or somewhat happy. But, when she needs someone, it was only Lex she could think of, feel.He was sweet and caring and said all the right things. But when he kissed her, touched her, made love to her sweet and slowly-- which was incredible but just not what she needed-- all she saw, all she felt was Lex. And before she knew it she was back in Metropolis, back with him, falling into the same patterns.
There are so many things that touched me as I read. It's truly amazing how you've built Chloe's characterization just through this time of distress and death. I felt as if I was with her. As if I knew what she was thinking, what she was going to think and feel and do. You've written this story beautifully. It made me feel for Chloe, and simply just feel.
Strangely (in that I'm not very fond of smoking), one of the aspects that have stuck with me throughout is Chloe and her smoking. I'm not very fond of smoking. I love how you gave reason to Chloe smoking.
To me, this part seemed very powerful. In such an appealing manner, you depicted the pain and illness that (I feel) comes from cigarettes. Chloe let death surround her. And by each cigarette she smokes, she voluntarily pulls more of that death into her.Chloe half stumbles down the stairs of the back porch, drops on to the cool cement and leans her head against the fading dullness of the white paint. The sky is blue and cloudless as she lights the cigarette, bright and beautiful. Abundantly filled with promise. As she takes a drag of the carcinogenic stick, it pulls back, takes something away from her. Makes her feel empty. Alone.
I can't describe how beautiful this story is in its ability to make its readers feel what is actually going on in the story itself. Can't wait for the next update!
Fascinating story. You make it seem so real, it's easy to get lost in the story. I seriously hope you are going to come back soon to finish it. I need to know how it ends! please...
*Still sitting on her chair waiting for an update*
Hey, could I get on of those marshmallows ?
Same here... Please, please, pleaseeeeeeee????? Just one tiny little update?You hear that June? Update!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please????? I'm distraught here...
Places We Have Been
NC-17/Angst
Author’s Notes: It has taken me forever, I know. But I have been dealing with a few real life issues that needed my full attention. This has been an uphill battle, trust me, and grew very close to me in a number of ways which is why I needed to take my time to give you the best work I am capable of giving. Thank you all for your time and patience and especially your wonderful feedback and PM’s of support. I say this every time, but it really does mean more than you can even imagine. So this is it ladies, as promised the fourth and final installment. Read, enjoy, and let me know what you think.
Big thanks and a lot of credit to beantree, who inspires me with her PM’s and mindblowing stories and kicked my butt into gear.
Part IV
She can taste the adrenaline in her mouth-- mixed with cheap soda, comp- limentary peanuts and a trace of peppermint from the gum she had chewed on for hours. Her heart beats, head pounds, and as she slips her key into the lock she swears she can feel it turn, the vibration as the lock clicks out of its place. The door is heavy against her shoulder-- heavier than she remembers it-- and the apprehension she feels as she pushes it open and sets her bag on the floor is immediately overcome by something else.
Something that plagues Chloe as she glances at her dirty sneakers and ratty jeans fading into the marble floor of the entryway. She breathes deeply, closes her eyes and the apprehension somehow starts to ebb away. The weight on her shoulders lifts. Feels almost nonexistent now as she closes and locks the door behind her.
Green eyes scan familiar surroundings and the pounding of her heart and in her head stops. She knows she was right before, that trusting her instincts had been the right choice.
This is home.
Sneakers tap against the floor as she searches every room as if she’d never been here before. She explores as if it were the first time and something foreign washes through her. Fingers trail across a discarded copy of The Daily Planet, across table tops, the backs of chairs-- the leather and silk like fabrics cool and smooth under her fingers.
She spots the piano in the corner-- used, and not at all as dusty as she remembers and she smiles as memories she has forgotten-- almost lost-- flood back and overwhelm her.
The kitchen is spotless; the floor spot free and shiny as new. Everything is as she remembers it-- not a thing out of the ordinary and she likes it that way. Likes that she knows exactly where to find things she left behind, likes the familiarity. Welcomes it gladly. She recognizes these eggshell white walls just when she had forgotten what that was like.
Her bedroom door is closed and she opens it and the euphoria slows down as she sees boxes stacked upon boxes full of clothes and books. Her bed is bare, nothing but the flower print of a mattress where her blue as the sky comforter had once laid. She sees that in the corner, folded with sheets and bare pillows on top of it and her heart starts to ache in a dull, pulsing movement.
For a second Chloe thinks she understands, thinks she gets it. And she is suddenly reminded of just how hard this is going to be, how there had been something to leave this time and she had made it very clear that was what she was doing.
She closes the door with a silent sigh and makes her way farther down the hallway. Lex’s door is closed, just like hers had been, but his office door was left slightly ajar and she lets herself in. Is not even the least bit surprised when she finds him sitting at his desk, fingers clicking against the keys in a rapid movement.
It is a scene she has seen over and over throughout the years, a sight she’s gotten used to. But it is different today.
Chloe is suddenly reminded just how much she had missed him. How much she had missed them. Just how much she had missed the person she was when she was here, with him.
Fingers continue their movement and she crosses her arms over her chest, shuffles her feet nervously. His beautiful eyes do not meet hers, his handsome face does not show acknowledgement in the least. And she is okay with that, she does understand. She deserves it.
But it hurts. Hurts too much and she can’t stand it. She has done nothing but hurt for the past year and she doesn’t want to feel that anymore. She wants to be here, to be with him, and recognize the person staring back at her in the mirror. She wants to like that person staring back at her in the mirror. She wants him to look at her the way he used to-- and she knows that is going to be the hardest thing to achieve.
Chloe clears her throat. Continues to shuffler her feet restlessly. Waits for him to answer. To do something in acknowledgment of her presence.
He does nothing.
“So,” she begins, her voice foreign to her own ears, “You packed my things.”
Lex finally does look up at that, pauses his actions and meets her eyes head on. Regards her for a moment, his eyes sweeping up then down then back up again. He makes an effort to sneer in disgust, but it comes out half assed and she can tell he didn’t mean it. Which, she figures, was a good thing because she was getting sick and tired of missing something that didn’t exist. Something that she wasn’t suppose to miss. That didn’t miss her back.
There is a glimmer of hope for her in his response, and she lets it give her strength that she desperately needs.
“I thought it would be easier for you,” he resumed with his typing, eyes back on the computer instead of on her. It makes her feel empty, alone-- like her cigarettes used to make her feel-- and yet somehow it hurts more now than ever. “When you move to San Francisco.”
“That’s rather childish, don’t you think?”
“Actually, I thought it was rather realistic. Why stay any longer in a place you don’t want to be?”
His normal coolness is replaced with traces of anger and disappointment-- two things he never, ever let show. It bites at her skin and makes her heart ache.
“Lex--”
“No,” he cut her off coldly, “I get it. I do. I had stupidly thought that what was holding us back was that you didn’t know what you wanted,” he laughed ruefully, pushed the keyboard away from him and leaned back in his overpriced chair. “it turns out I was wrong. You know what you want, you just don’t want this.”
“That’s not fair--”
“Life isn’t fair, Chloe. You and I both know that.”
“I don’t want to argue with you, Lex,” Chloe says, tired and defeated as ever.
He meets her eyes again, “There’s nothing left to argue about. You left.”
“I had to leave--”
He sends her a pointed glare, “You know full well what I meant, Chloe.”
“I didn’t leave. I took a step back... I was confused--”
“You couldn’t have been confused here in Metropolis--”
“No--”
“This was honestly something we couldn’t figure out together? Work through?” Lex’s voice was angry, teetering the edge of furious and for a person who usually did so well to guard his emotions he was doing a poor job of it now. It gave her just inkling of the severity of the situation and that amount of hope she has held on to dwindles. Slowly begins to fade away.
“How was I even suppose to know that there was a ‘we’ to work these things out together?” Her voice is calm, surprisingly neutral and not so surprisingly tired. “You’ve never given me any indication that we were any more than two friends who occasionally--”
“Don’t say it,” he cuts her off, “Don’t you dare say it. I offered to stay, I asked you what you wanted and you said you didn’t know. That you wanted to be left alone. What else was I suppose to do? Bare my soul to a woman who didn’t seem to care.”
“You knew how I felt about you…” she swallows the sudden thickness in her throat, tries to ignore how soft and vulnerable her voice sounded. How so unlike her it was, and how somehow over time she has gotten used to it.
Lex laughed ruefully, short and gruff. “That’s just thing, Chloe. I didn’t.”
She says nothing. Can’t find it in her to say anything. There’s so much to say, so much between them that needs to be resolved. There is so much damage she is drowning in it and she can’t figure out a place to start climbing her way out. Fears, at the end of it all, she is going to drown and take him down with her.
Lex stands, crosses the room and moves past her, and makes his way down the hall towards his room, and she follows despite herself.
Follows him despite the fact that the Chloe Sullivan she used to be would never follow him. Anywhere. Would never follow anyone.
Yet, she realizes too as she enters him room behind him, that the person she had been before these past months had happened was lost. She didn’t know her anymore and as she sees a blue as the sky pillow on his bed, mixed with his pristine white ones, something thaws inside of her that she didn’t realize was frozen.
And Chloe understands, knows somewhere inside of her, that somehow this-- what was so obviously between them-- would be okay. She hopes, somewhat foolishly, that everything would eventually work out. She didn’t know whether she could handle losing someone else. Losing someone else she loves.
She draws in a deep, shuddering breath, watches his back as he moves towards his closet. “I should have let you take me home, Lex.”
He stops. Turns slowly to look at her. His face frozen, shuttered, but his eyes were beginning to regain that warmth she was so fond of. That warmth she had missed so dearly.
“I realize that now, I do. And I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t--”
“I also realized,” she cuts him off, stepping further into his room, “That I know almost everything there is to know about you. I know your favorite color, favorite food. I know that you love it when it rains because it reminds you of your mom and that you like winter better than summer and that in your top nightstand drawer you keep a picture of Lindsay and Claire because you want that but you’re so damn stubborn you won’t admit it,” Chloe smiles sadly towards him, watches him watching her with a blank expression she’s become to used to over the years. “I know all of that about you, and you know nothing about me--”
“It’s not by choice,” he says angrily, taking one, single step closer to her. “I’ve been waiting here for five damn years for you to open up to me Chloe and you wouldn’t do it. I’ve always been here, always been waiting, and all I ever got in return was nothing.”
Lex was right. So incredibly right and it makes her feel awful. Cheap, and she knows she has no one to blame for this mess around her but herself. Chloe has been having this conversation over and over in her head for days, weeks almost and whatever she had imagined-- whatever scenario she had thought up-- it hadn’t gone like this. The situation had never gotten this far out of her control.
But it was now. Was spiraling away from her and she had to do something. Anything. She started speaking so suddenly and rapidly that she even surprised herself.
“I hate the left side of the bed,” she begins when he went to say something further, cutting him off completely. He looks surprised and confused and she ignores it. “I hate it and I never tell you because I always thought it was trivial, and stupid-- but I still hate it. I hate that some mornings the first think you do is pour yourself a glass of scotch and then turn and nag to me about my smoking. I like summer, not winter. I hate the rain, and I really, really hate Lois some days because she has everything I’ve ever wanted-- the chance to have everything I’ve ever wanted-- and she was so quick to want to throw it away. And I really, really don’t like the way I am when I’m not with you,” Chloe lets out a breath she realized she hadn’t been holding in and tries her very best to not let the tears threatening to fall spill over.
She hates crying. Has done it so much in the past few months that she honestly doesn’t think she has any tears left. And she is so tired, so tired of pretending. Pretending to be alright, pretending that she doesn’t love Lex. Tired of lying to herself when she manages to convince herself that San Francisco was even an option. Because it wasn’t, she knew it all along, she was only just now acknowledging it.
Better late than never, she thinks again like she had months earlier, but still knows it may not be enough. Not for him.
“I hate it, Lex,” Chloe says tearfully, “I hate needing you the way I do. And I’ve tried not to, tried to push you away, but I’m still here. I still came back and that’s got to mean something, right? I mean, it has to. It has to, Lex, because I just can’t do this anymore.”
Lex look just as exhausted as she felt, looked tired, and worn, and used and Chloe realizes she knows those feelings too well. He shuffles his feet, rocks back and forth on his heels, avoids her eyes.
“And I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry-- and I never say that and actually mean it,” she pauses and laughs ruefully, “Because I am hardly ever sorry about anything. But I am, Lex,” Chloe chokes on his name, her throat suddenly dry, eyes burning. “I am sorry, you have to know that.”
When he finally does meet her eyes, when he takes the few steps between them and bounds over to her, she knows. Knows that this is what it is suppose to feel like. This is what she had felt all along and it is okay. She recognizes it. This is love, and it isn’t easy, and it sure as hell isn’t perfect but it is her. And it is Lex. And for now, for right that moment it was enough.
And as he pulls her against him forcefully she felt the tears she’s been holding in for months-- not tears for her father, not tears for herself but for him, for them for what she had done to them-- fall in steady streams down her face.
“I should have let you take me home,” she whispers over and over against the warm skin of his neck.
And she is broken. Breaks so easily and it doesn’t even surprise her anymore. She is Confused. And so, so exhausted. So she clings to him, clings to the one thing she knows now she always had within her reach, but had pushed away in a moment of sheer stupidity.
And when Lex kisses her like she had hoped against all odds he would-- gently, tenderly, his lips moving against hers with such precision and cautiousness, she kiss him back. Harder, more desperate as if everything she needed, everything she wanted could be found by just kissing him. By just holding him close and never letting go.
It scares her-- for a brief, fleeting minute-- the moment she realizes just how much she really does needs him. But when his arms wrap around her waist, her body being brought closer to his by what seemed like his own sheer will Chloe knows he needs her just as much-- even if he never said it.
Lex slows his kisses, tortures her with a few, short simple brushes of his lips before he pulls her closer-- if that were even possible-- and rests his cheek above her hair.
Neither one of them say anything. Can’t think of anything really to say. They just stand there and bask in the presence of one another. Drawing strength from each other, drawing love from one another and knowing that with that love and that strength they can rebuild the cracked foundation beneath them, the bridges that seemed to have been burned over the last months.
It wasn’t a new beginning or a fresh start. It wasn’t a do over. It was a continuation of something that would always be flawed. Would never be perfect, but would always be there. Something that was worth fixing.
Chloe realizes this now, and she hates herself for not seeing it sooner.
Hands run over her back, and she can feel his frown of disapproval, “You’re too thin,” he says softly and places a gentle kiss on the top of her head.
Chloe sniffles, pulls away and wipes the tears from her splotchy face. “I’ve been a wreck,” she laughs pitifully, “I’m still a wreck. But I’m going to try and catch up. To be better.”
She thinks of all the soda and fast food she’s eaten and her stomach turns unpleasantly. It makes her remorseful and sick thinking about how awfully she’s treated her body. How neglectful she has been about taking care of herself.
“Although, I think I may become a vegetarian.”
A look of distaste crosses Lex’s handsome features, “Tofu and cigarettes isn’t a suitable diet, Chloe.”
“Neither is scotch and cigars,” she raises an eyebrow in a weak challenge.
“Some would beg to disagree.”
Lex’s voice is rich with amusement, his face still that solid mask of Luthor indifference, but his eyes-- his cool, gray- blue eyes-- hold a fondness she remembers. A lightness that made them seem less cold and more loaded with an emotion she has seen for as long as she can remember but would never admit was there.
It is love at its finest and scariest moment and it takes her breath away.
* * *
In his bed this night Lex is hungry and adulterated with lust and want and need. His hands are roaming over her body every which way as he pushes her towards the bed, overcome with the need for her that has been building up within him for months. Chloe begins by matching him kiss for kiss, grab for grab, but as her back hit’s the mattress with a silent, beautiful thud she slows her hands. Slows the kisses.
“Slow,” she tells him, her lips a breath away from his, “Please,” it’s a quiet plea and it gets caught in her throat the moment his eyes-- raw and dark with desire-- meet her own.
Lex slows his hands, his kisses to a leisurely pace. He kisses her then like he has all the time in the world, and suddenly, to Chloe, nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter that they shouldn’t be doing this so quick, so soon. That they should talk about things more, mend what is broken between them. It doesn’t matter because even though they were once sensible, smart adults in what feels like another life, they are now two completely different people-- and somehow to them, it makes this okay.
Neither one of the can explain it, don’t want to even try, and sooner or later they will both realize it doesn’t even matter anyway.
Chloe’s ratty jeans are long gone-- removed with precision she barely remembers, but still knows all too well. It’s been too long since they’ve done this, since they have taken their time and felt every muscle, every limb and both of them soon find themselves doing nothing but feeling. Just closing their eyes, their lips barely touching as they memorize each other. Make new memories in their minds to erase the old ones that can never measure up to this, right here, right now.
Green eyes looking more alive than they have in months watch in sudden fascination as Lex’s nimble hands work on the buttons of her sweater. Each one removed from its hole slowly with an amount of attention she’s never seen Lex give. As his pushes it open ever so slowly revealing paleness and plain beige satin underneath, she swears his hands shake as his fingers trail over her prominent ribs, the skin at her sides. A breath catches in his throat and a shiver runs up her spine as the muscles in her stomach quiver underneath his gentle touch.
Lex kisses her then, full and hard on the mouth, his hands clutching almost bruising on her hips. “I missed you so much, Chloe,” he whispers truthfully, his lips brushing hers with every syllable and tears pool at her eyes and she chalks it up to the moment. To being overwhelmed. But it’s more.
It will always be much more. Always has been.
She pushes the tears back, willing herself not to cry. Moves her hands to his pants and pushes them down, slips his shirt over his shoulders and kisses him like he’s the only thing in her world-- which isn’t far from the truth.
Lex’s fingers fumble with her bra, his once quick and nimble fingers that used the skills he had acquired over the years shaking and faltering at every turn. It has been almost a year since he has done this and not because there weren’t opportunities-- they have always been there at every turn-- but because it was never with Chloe. And no matter how hard he had tried the memories that ran through his mind behind closed eyes could not erase the reality of any woman that was beneath him.
He has tried to forget her, tried to move on, but he didn’t really want to and even if he did he always had a sneaking suspicion his heart wouldn’t let him.
Lex has missed her so much. Missed her touch, her smile. Missed this. He tells her over and over as his lips brush over the skin of her neck and cheeks, her forehead. When their bodies finally meet, connect on the most intimate level, the moan that escapes from his throat is loud and primal and echoes throughout the room and mingles with Chloe’s before finally fading away.
And then he looks at her, watches her close her beautiful eyes, a hint of a smile on her kissed lips, and he tells her how beautiful she is and kisses her again ever so lightly. He moves inside of her, a fraction of an inch and watches her eyes slide open, meet his and suddenly they are both overwhelmed. Caught up in the moment and full of emotions that grip them both and will not let them go.
The slow place that had set the tone in the beginning edges away as kisses become deeper and more frantic, holding turns to clutching, and hips meet hips with increased frenzy with no sign of the skillful movement they once shared. Lust and love intermix within them both and join the need and want that has been simmering for months and over take them both completely. Renders them speechless and thinking coherently takes an extra effort neither one of them can focus on.
Kissing become a desperate task as their pace becomes hungry, and suddenly they were both acting out of instinct, their movements primal. Lex’s lips brush against Chloe’s for a fraction of a second and it is all too much. He pulls away, rests his forehead against hers as his hips worked against hers, their breaths-- hot and heavy-- mingling with each others between them.
Nothing is said as her mind hazes over with fuzziness and images of Lex's handsome face, Chloe’s eyes falling closed as she groans and whimpers under his touch and the sounds echo around them beautifully.
Chloe loves him, and bites her tongue from saying it out of habit as orgasm threatens to overtake her.
And yet, Lex must understand, he must know, because in a moment of what feels like sheer perfection he says it first and sounds so sure, and it sounds so right, she can do nothing but follow suit. And she means it, every word of it and it is the most amazing thing in the entire world.
They appear to be the same two people, doing something they had done countless times before. But it was different now. It feels different.
It feels better.
If there are tears they are stroked into her skin by fingers in a loving, tender touch or disappear under his lips. They are now much older than they used to be and more tired than ever. It has been too long and it is over too soon but a languid smile crosses her features as he rolls off of her and pulls her closer.
They have all the time in the world.
With his arms around her, warm, inviting, and secure she falls into sleep easier than she has in months. She dreams a true dream of New York-- making love all morning in between his meetings and walking down narrow streets that are filled with too many people. His father is sick and the woman she used to be couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t go to see him, makes him go to a church and sit there next to her as she prays for a man that by some standards didn't deserve it. The woman she has become understands completely.
Lex watches her wake with their legs intertwined, his fingers comfortably resting in-between her own. He’s laying crooked on the bed, her head on his stomach, and she kisses his navel softly before turning towards him. It’s still night and the dark, cold Metropolis night streams in through half shut curtains and a gentle stream of snow could be seen falling and blanketing the sleeping city.
Her blue pillow is resting behind his head, and she can’t help but smile.
Chloe moves farther up his body, the sheet falling in the process and like a weight that has been lifted from her shoulders she feels alive and more free than she has in months. Lex watches her with half a smile and feels the strain of exhaustion pull at him when he moves to adjust to their current position. He hasn’t slept at all, his mind cluttered and racing a thousand miles a minute. He is full of coiled energy underneath the surface and he hasn’t felt that way in years.
“What are you thinking about?” Chloe asks, her voice light as she kisses his shoulder and snuggles closer to him.
His arm doesn’t move to wrap around her like she expects, and her eyes turn to his cautiously. “You…Us.”
She raises on her elbow, rests her head on her hand and smiles, “Oh, really?”
“I’m enjoying something,” Lex says nothing for a long while, turns his eyes away and then speaks. His voice is tinged with pure surprise and a hint of irony. “I’m angry with you.”
It shouldn’t be a surprise, she should have seen this coming a mile away, but it is and she didn’t. Chloe moves away out of instinct, flops onto the bed next to him dramatically. “I can understand that,” she sighs heavily. She doesn’t like it, but like the boxes in her room and the pillow behind his head, she understands somehow.
“I’m angry with you,” he says in pure amazmenet. “I’m never angry with you, I never really get truly angry,” he turns his eyes towards her, and he can feel her arm next to his, and it surprises them both when he doesn’t reach for her hand. “This is a pretty big deal, Chloe.”
“I should have let you take me home,” her voice is quiet, a mere whisper in the large room that smelt of them and their love making.
“That’s not… I mean, yes, you should have, I am not going to argue with you there,” he turns his head towards her, “but you don’t push me away, you don’t keep me at arms length. It doesn’t matter where you are, Chloe, don’t stop talking to me, and don’t lie to me. I’m all you have,” he looks her in the eye, swallows thickly. Speaks after a long, pregnant pause, “And you’re all I have.”
Two years ago she would have argued. A year ago she would have apologized. But now she does nothing. She feels sort of like crying, but surprisingly she doesn’t do that either. Chloe has done everything he has said and worse, and he’s still here, still with her and she realizes that he’s a better person than she has ever given him credit for.
“I have lied,” she admits quietly, tracing mindless patterns on the little patch of sheet between them. “A lot.”
Lex looks at her out of the corner of his eye, “You are an awful liar.”
“So everyone keeps telling me.”
“I don’t like it when you lie to me,” he stares at the ceiling, playing over every conversation, every lie. Tries to forget how it had hurt in a way he had never imagined to have her look him in the eye and lie to him. “I’ve always been honest with you.”
It’s half the truth, she knows-- neither one of them have been particulary good at the whole honestly aspect of their relationship, but it isn’t the time to say anything, so she doesn’t.
“I am genuinely angry with you, Chloe. ” he says, and he sounds legitimately amazed at the entire situation.
Chloe stairs at the blankness of the ceiling, closes her eyes and sighs silently. “Alright.”
“I need space. Time. I need to get over this. I can’t be with you and be angry with you the way I am. I might need to leave for a little while.”
She reaches out to touch his hand, but stops herself. Drops it to her side and swallows thickly. He isn’t touching her, isn’t looking at her so he doesn’t see her response, doesn’t see the panic overtake her for a breif, fleeting moment. A month, maybe two? Six or maybe even a year? She calculates the time in her head-- 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes-- Chloe thinks she could handle a year.
“How long,” she strays off for a minute, looks over at him and lets her eyes roam over his face, “For how long do you think?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs, and he honestly doesn’t. How long could he handle being away form her? He looks at her seriously, considers the question with as much seriousness as he does the business that consumes his life daily. “A couple of days. A week maybe.”
A breath passes through her lips she has not realized she has been holding in. Air rushes into her lungs, and she feels immediately at ease, relieved and she laughs despite herself.
Even in the darkness of the room, Chloe can feel his scowl. “I’m glad you find this amusing.”
“I don’t,” she tells him seriously, burying the unleased laughter in her throat. “That was rueful laughter. I assure you.”
He places his arms underneath his head, “I think it’s important, I think we both need this.”
In this twisted relationship they have always had Lex has always been the impulsive one, Chloe the one that acts out of common sense and makes sensible choices. It’s odd to see him like this-- see him older and wiser than ever before-- but she welcomes it. Change can be a good thing, and the both of them know full well changes are going to have to be made for this to work between them.
And she wants this to work, she wants this more than anything.
“I’m going to call,” he says all of a sudden, still obviously frustrated by her laughter. “I reserve the right to call, and check up on you. Make sure you’re consuming more than those damn cigarettes you insist on smoking,” he pauses, looks over her, “I mean, if I want to, of course.”
She doesn’t tell him that she quit smoking, figures he’ll figure it out eventually. “You should go pack then,” she tells him raising an eyebrow in the dark.
“It’s three in the morning,” Lex says, not showing any intention of moving. Of going anywhere any time soon.
It’s easier to do this now, the both of them know.
Easier for her to lie next to him, millimeters away and not feel as far away as she used to. Easier to see his eagerness to walk away. Easier to lose him completely because she has experienced and understands the idea of loss better now. Easier for him to see her readiness to make it work and know what he has to do to achieve it. Easier for him to look at her and see her dear face and know that she and what they have isn’t going anywhere any time soon.
“I know,” she says quietly and reaches her hand out for his and because his is already there waiting she knows they both understand everything better.
That this is it. Everything and everyone else was just practice. Stepping stones to get them to this point in ther lives. They understand that they have seen how awful life can get, and dirty towels on the bathroom floor and her strawberry shampoo in his shower isn’t as scary as it used to be.
It’s a welcomed sight and they are both now just realizing it. It is a little late in the game, sure, but the game is still going strong and that is what matters the most.
They unconsciously move towards each other at the same time-- tiny movements that look like nothing but mean everything. She pulls the sheet up over them both with her free hand, the other resting firmly in his. He does not move, does not look at her, but his fingers intertwine perfectly with hers and she closes her eyes, counts her own breaths and listen to the steady stream of his.
And when she finally feels his eyes on her, feels him move closer to her, she slips back into a peaceful slumber for the second time that night and dreams a true dream of the future instead of the past.
End.
"I think the whole glory of writing lies in the fact that it forces us out of ourselves and into the lives of others."
~ Anderson Sherwood
I've read this two times already and the lump in my throat is so strong that it's almost sure that if i open my mouth I will be crying even harder than I'm now.
I feel kinda bad for not having enough words to describe what I feel about this fic cause you really, really deserves it.
Cloe's realization of what she was doing to her and to Lex,the thruth about how Lex felt all that time. And mainly his anger towards her, his acknowledgement of it and the choice to work that to try and pass that...Chloe and Lex's relatioship just can't get more real than this.No words can't be more sad nor give so much hope than the ones you used.
This was a kick in the stomach, a hard one. Trough the whole storie the kicks keept coming and at some point it really hurted. Character problems and sadness and dispair were mine as well.
It wasn't just a fanfiction. It was a piece of art, one of the most perfects understandings of an completely messed up relatioship in many levels. The kind of, once in a while, we find ourselves in.
I'm usualy too lazy to quote, but this time I couldn't resist.
That's it. The point where she finally undertasnds and welcome what she feeld. Perfect.When he finally does meet her eyes, when he takes the few steps between them and bounds over to her, she knows. Knows that this was what it was suppose to feel like. This was what she had felt all along and it was okay. She recognized it. This was love, and it wasn’t easy, and it sure as hell wasn’t perfect but it was her. And it was Lex. And for then, for right that moment it was enough.
I like this line. It seemed somemewhat necessary, to show the evolution, the progression and that forget all they've went tough it wouldn't make things right. And you've done it perfectly.It wasn’t a new beginning or a fresh start. It wasn’t a do over. It was a continuation of something that would always be flawed. Would never be perfect, but would always be there. Something that was worth fixing.
This kinda reminds me something my friend once said, and I just love that line.That this is it. Everything and everyone else was just practice. Stepping stones to get them to this point in ther lives. They understand that they’ve seen how awful life can get, and dirty towels on the bathroom floor and her strawberry shampoo in his shower isn’t as scary as it used to be.
That's it, there are no more I can use to describe how much this affected me other than this is that kinda of storie that,once in a while you just have to find and read again, and every time you will feel the connection with the characters and the emotion your writing evokes.
I would love to go into a big long thing but it's late and I have to pack, but I am so happy that you updated!! This story just has so many nuances and I'm so glad that Chloe came back...that she was finally able to realize that there was something more to their relationship. I understand why Lex has to leave but you're killing me! I want him to stay and I then they can make more amazing, beautiful love. Just great, update again soon!
Steph*
Gahh. This entire exchange was just wonderfully written. Chloe acknowledging her mistakes and the fact that she's the one who never let him in (which considering who Lex is, is quite the feat). Loved how she started revealing bits of herself to him and how she laid it out to him about just how much she needs him. For a second there I was scared he wasn't going to give her a chance but then he took her in arms and the tears started.I also realized,” she cuts him off, stepping further into his room, “That I know almost everything there is to know about you. I know your favorite color, favorite food. I know that you love it when it rains because it reminds you of your mom and that you like winter better than summer and that in your top nightstand drawer you keep a picture of Lindsay and Claire because you want that but you’re so damn stubborn you won’t admit it,” Chloe smiles sadly towards him, watches him watching her with a blank expression she’s become to used to over the years. “I know all of that about you, and you know nothing about me--”
“It’s not by choice,” he says angrily, taking one, single step closer to her. “I’ve been waiting here for five damn years for you to open up to me Chloe and you wouldn’t do it. I’ve always been here, always been waiting, and all I ever got in return was nothing.”
Lex was right. So incredibly right and it makes her feel awful. Cheap, and she knows she has no one to blame for this mess around her but herself. Chloe has been having this conversation over and over in her head for days, weeks almost and whatever she had imagined-- whatever scenario she had thought up-- it hadn’t gone like this. The situation had never gotten this far out of her control.
But it was now. Was spiraling away from her and she had to do something. Anything. She started speaking so suddenly and rapidly that she even surprised herself.
“I hate the left side of the bed,” she begins when he went to say something further, cutting him off completely. He looks surprised and confused and she ignores it. “I hate it and I never tell you because I always thought it was trivial, and stupid-- but I still hate it. I hate that some mornings the first think you do is pour yourself a glass of scotch and then turn and nag to me about my smoking. I like summer, not winter. I hate the rain, and I really, really hate Lois some days because she has everything I’ve ever wanted-- the chance to have everything I’ve ever wanted-- and she was so quick to want to throw it away. And I really, really don’t like the way I am when I’m not with you,” Chloe lets out a breath she realized she hadn’t been holding in and tries her very best to not let the tears threatening to fall spill over.
She hates crying. Has done it so much in the past few months that she honestly doesn’t think she has any tears left. And she is so tired, so tired of pretending. Pretending to be alright, pretending that she doesn’t love Lex. Tired of lying to herself when she manages to convince herself that San Francisco was even an option. Because it wasn’t, she knew it all along, she was only just now acknowledging it.
Better late than never, she thinks again like she had months earlier, but still knows it may not be enough. Not for him.
“I hate it, Lex,” Chloe says tearfully, “I hate needing you the way I do. And I’ve tried not to, tried to push you away, but I’m still here. I still came back and that’s got to mean something, right? I mean, it has to. It has to, Lex, because I just can’t do this anymore.”
Lex look just as exhausted as she felt, looked tired, and worn, and used and Chloe realizes she knows those feelings too well. He shuffles his feet, rocks back and forth on his heels, avoids her eyes.
“And I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry-- and I never say that and actually mean it,” she pauses and laughs ruefully, “Because I am hardly ever sorry about anything. But I am, Lex,” Chloe chokes on his name, her throat suddenly dry, eyes burning. “I am sorry, you have to know that.”
When he finally does meet her eyes, when he takes the few steps between them and bounds over to her, she knows. Knows that this is what it is suppose to feel like. This is what she had felt all along and it is okay. She recognizes it. This is love, and it isn’t easy, and it sure as hell isn’t perfect but it is her. And it is Lex. And for now, for right that moment it was enough.
I think I loved this especially. Something about the way you said it that's just so beautiful and real and describes their relationship so perfectly.Neither one of them say anything. Can’t think of anything really to say. They just stand there and bask in the presence of one another. Drawing strength from each other, drawing love from one another and knowing that with that love and that strength they can rebuild the cracked foundation beneath them, the bridges that seemed to have been burned over the last months.
It wasn’t a new beginning or a fresh start. It wasn’t a do over. It was a continuation of something that would always be flawed. Would never be perfect, but would always be there. Something that was worth fixing
Loved that even though Lex feels he needs time to get over being angry at that they both realise that this it for them and that their future is together. A truely excellent story from start to finish. You've done an awesome job.[It’s easier to do this now, the both of them know.
Easier for her to lie next to him, millimeters away and not feel as far away as she used to. Easier to see his eagerness to walk away. Easier to lose him completely because she has experienced and understands the idea of loss better now. Easier for him to see her readiness to make it work and know what he has to do to achieve it. Easier for him to look at her and see her dear face and know that she and what they have isn’t going anywhere any time soon.
“I know,” she says quietly and reaches her hand out for his and because his is already there waiting she knows they both understand everything better.
That this is it. Everything and everyone else was just practice. Stepping stones to get them to this point in ther lives. They understand that they have seen how awful life can get, and dirty towels on the bathroom floor and her strawberry shampoo in his shower isn’t as scary as it used to be.
It’s a welcomed sight and they are both now just realizing it. It is a little late in the game, sure, but the game is still going strong and that is what matters the most.
They unconsciously move towards each other at the same time-- tiny movements that look like nothing but mean everything. She pulls the sheet up over them both with her free hand, the other resting firmly in his. He does not move, does not look at her, but his fingers intertwine perfectly with hers and she closes her eyes, counts her own breaths and listen to the steady stream of his.
And when she finally feels his eyes on her, feels him move closer to her, she slips back into a peaceful slumber for the second time that night and dreams a true dream of the future instead of the past.
I tried to drown my sorrows, but the little buggers learned how to swim.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was really amazing. I don't really have words except for that, amazing, and beautiful.
I know I said it before, but there's this authentic feeling to it, like it's real, with the 'not everything is always perfect' feel.
Thank you for having written this splendid fiction.
Alright, I wanted to adress a quick issue now instead of later because due to Real life complications I won't be around much for the next week or two. I have recieved quite a few PM's concerning a sequel or continuation of this story, and as much as I loved writing this story, I am going to have to say the answer is a definite no.
I know I didn't give you all the happy Chlex ending that you were looking for, but this was honestly the best that I could do. I must have written three different endings to this story, draft after draft, and after a lot debate and editing I chose this one. I said once that if I had changed one thing this story wouldn't be the type of story I wanted it to be, and if I had given them a happily ever after it would have ruined this story plain and simpe. That wasn't the message I was trying to send, and it just would not have fit after everything I had put these two characters through. The point of this installment was to show that not all problems can be fixed, but some can be and when you find the right person it is always worth it to try.
Anyway, that is all I'm going to say. I'm going to follow the lead from an author I have great respect for (I hope she doesn't mind) and say that I'm not going to defend this story any more than I already have, because I believe a story should be able to stand on its own.
Sorry folks, no sequel, no continutation. And *looks pointedly at Gina, Libby and 'Belle* I regret to inform you that I am hell bent on being a graduate of Brown Medical School this time next year. Sorry, girls.
I can tell you that I am hard at work on updates for both "Everything" (I know, don't fall over in shock or anything) and "Missing". You will see them all as soon life slows down a little bit.
Thank you all for everything,
June
"I think the whole glory of writing lies in the fact that it forces us out of ourselves and into the lives of others."
~ Anderson Sherwood
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