Spoilers: Seasons 1-4
Summary: Chloe remembers and wonders why.
A/N: This is one of those mental fic pop ups that refuse to leave until it's written down. It's supposed to be a letter to Lex. Let me know what you think. I love feedback.
I Remember. . . Why
I remember…
I remember walking into my office, my sanctuary, and there you were. Talking with my best friend about how you liked my theory. You… you, thought I was intelligent and… I remember feeling more proud in that moment than in any other in my life.
I remember when you told me you hoped we’d resume our verbal judo. I was still head over heels for Clark, but I would catch myself trying to figure the rules to “verbal judo” in my spare time. That time used to be spent doodling Clark’s names in little hearts. I ddin’t think too much of it.
I remember feeling what it was like to be truly protected. You were the first one there. You were waiting outside my room, I think you were afraid to go in alone. Afraid of what it would be like to really care for someone again. Of course, that’s only speculation. You finally did enter, after Clark. He never mentioned seeing you waiting so I assume you were off bringing in “the best doctors in Metropolis.” You were going to make them pay for what they did to me. I had to remind myself that I was supposed to be asleep so I wouldn’t throw my arms around you. Thank you for the flowers.
I remember getting an invitation to your wedding. I knew something had to be going on. You wouldn’t invite me. You hardly talked to me. You felt guilty. You probably still beat yourself up for what happened during our that interview. At least that’s what I told myself. I got a little drunk that night. You shouldn’t make alcohol so readily available when teenagers are on the guest list. I was relieved when I found out you were under a “spell.” I don’t think I had ever been that giddy over solving a mystery before.
I don’t remember much from the parasite incident. I wish I did. I hear we had some memorable moments. But I do remember the way you looked at me afterwards. You wouldn’t make it obvious, but I had watched you enough to know your different expressions. Not that there were many. I knew there was difference in the way you looked at Lana and the way you looked at me. She was a girl, a sister. I was… I’m still not sure what I was. It didn’t matter anymore. I was too far gone down a different path by the time I noticed. A path towards your father.
I remember feeling rescued. When you said you could protect me, you would protect me. You also took me to the morgue. Most interesting first date I’ve ever had, I must say. There was always a connection between us. I knew it when you made your vow. It wasn’t because I was Clark’s friend or that I had information that you wanted (although that was part of it). It was because of that connection. I felt it when you grasped my shoulders. I felt it when you kept your hands there even though we weren’t talking anymore.
I remember when you forgot. The fear of what your father would do to you if you had remembered was what made me keep my mouth shut. I knew it wasn’t for the best, but it was what I could do to protect you. When you told me that you would protect me again, I knew then. I would love you forever. No matter what, I would love you. No matter how you felt about me.
I remember feeling trusted. When everyone else in my life did not, you did. You knew about my power. You told me so and yet you still put yourself in the position to tell me what you really wanted from him. I could tell that it was difficult for you. Not because you were telling me against your will-you weren’t-but because you had wanted to say it for so long. And it didn’t feel as good as you thought it would. But I could see the relief. And your discomfort. That’s why I didn’t ask you what I really wanted. How do you feel about me? Do you love me?
I remember finally telling you everything. I knew it was time. Your father wasn’t afraid to erase your memories, but what would he do to me? I was afraid. And I knew you would protect me. You understood why I had done what I did. Not telling you, I mean. You believed me. You didn’t tell me you would protect me, but I could see it in your eyes. I could also see the slight trepidation in not being able to keep your promise. I had faith in you. Someone had to.
I remember being relieved when I saw you in that tunnel. I don’t think I had been happier in my life. You saved me. You protected me. You kept your promise. So why aren’t you here now? Why don’t you return my calls? Why haven’t you given my father his job back? Why is your father living in your guesthouse after what he did to you? Why are you being like this?
I remember coming up on with my own answers to my questions. You’re too busy. You’re still too busy. It slipped your mind, what with almost dying and all. You need to keep your eye on him; you need to make sure he doesn’t have a chance to hurt me. I don’t know. I thought I could answer them all, but I can’t. Why are you being like this, Lex? Why are you acting like I don’t exist anymore?
I remember deciding to stop. You obviously just saw me as a means to an end. Your own personal google, just like Clark. I decided to move on. Not back to Clark, but he’s a welcome distraction. Especially now that I know… But, no, you don’t deserve to know. You’re not his friend. And you’re not mine, either. I used to think we had something deeper (see four or five paragraphs up) but obviously I was wrong. Not the first time. So this is my goodbye to you, Lex. Enjoy your life, keeping everyone at arm’s length. I hope that works out for you.
A/N: I may write Lex's response to this.
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