Disclaimer: I do not own the show or characters and make no money writing them.
Spoilers: None, really, it's pretty plotless.
Rating: PG-13, for some random Lex getting himself battered by a whoopie cushion.
A/N: I've been reworking my files and I found a few short pieces that could be forgiven as short stories. I haven't done much to extend the plot, so they are best taken as light Chlexy tableaus.
“This is a bad idea,” Lex Luthor predicted.
He held the door open graciously for Chloe, but she saw his nose wrinkle in distaste. Reaching back for his hand, she smiled at their first gawker and said, "I know, doesn't he look JUST like him? Weird, huh?"
The woman in her late thirties blushed and stared at Lex more. He squirmed and Chloe held his hand tighter. He was going for the door and she wasn't going to let him.
"Sorry, but he really does," the woman said.
Chloe nodded. "With hair it's totally different, but he shaved it for summer and here we are. I think it's sexy, right?"
Lex dragged her rudely away, but not before the woman nodded certainly. The reporter threw her a wave and followed behind. "You didn't die just from walking into a store where you can get twelve of something for a dollar," she comforted him. "Look at you growing as a person." He grumbled something and sneered at a display of gardening tools.
He loved her, very much. He knew the mockery was based in Chloe’s love for him. She let him take her in his private jet to Paris for a weekend, and he let her take him bargain hunting. They were sharing parts of their lives that rarely came up in conversation. They were the very picture of compromise and acceptance.
Except his example of compromise was far better, and he had made a point not to push her into something uncomfortable, whereas Chloe took joy in making him suffer.
"I'm going to get a cart," she told him excitedly. "I haven't been here in months!"
Lex slumped down and actually looked like he might tantrum out and sit on the floor. He picked himself up and looked down at her with an arch expression. "I understand your point. There are many people from many walks of life who use a dollar store and there is no shame in it. Can we go now?"
She looked him over, decided he was going to recover from the experience without a horrible rash of economy literally striking him, and smiled. “No, you haven't taken in the experience. Everything here is a dollar.” Lex looked at her blankly. “Everything! A dollar! One U.S. Dollar!”
He sighed. “People will dump stock if they find out I'm bargain shopping.”
Humming happily, she led him to the carts and rolled one out to lean on it. She pulled out a list he was horrified to see was two pages long.
“Chloe!”
She gave him a dry look and was about to yell his name before she remembered he was frantic to remain anonymous.
“YOU! Behave yourself and this won't take long. Push me and I'll lock myself in the car with a dollar store crossword book and leave you in the parking lot for hours.”
He fell in sullenly behind her as she started on the very first aisle. The cart's squeaky front wheel annoyed him every ten seconds. Her note rustling reminded him he was going to be spending too much time with cheap products resplendent with kitschy appeal. He wasn't the common man, and while he relished the moments of feeling normal with Chloe, he didn't want to be common. She picked up a package of sponges and waved it at him. “Twelve for a dollar,” she crowed.
“That's good,” he muttered. She had mentioned books. If there were books maybe he could hide there and read.
“I'm going to go look at the books,” he ventured, and she waved him to the right.
“Okay, but if you start crying I'm not going to stop shopping until I'm done, so don't even have me paged. I am a ninja. I am lethal grace and thrift combined!”
Lex kissed the top of her head and escaped gratefully. He turned into the next aisle and stopped with alarm. There were children; hundreds and hundreds of children. He'd never seen so many. And they were all unattended. He backed away slowly.
A sullen employee nodded at his horrified expression. “Spring break,” he said. “The parents come to the mall and drop off their kids. I’m supposed to be cleaning that.”
Toys were piled on the floor, and children were plunked down playing with them. Open packages hung empty from pegs. Lex shook his head in astonishment. This was no way to run a business.
“How,” he asked.
“Dunno, man, that’s why I’m over here.” The younger man had made a bower of relative safety in a boxed display of bathroom cleaner sprays. He continued tapping at his cellphone buttons.
Lex had a horrible suspicion. He just knew the gathering of children wasn’t going to spare him any difficulty. He knew they were all brats, replete with sugary foods and destruction. He knew he’d have to go in there.
“The books are there, aren’t they,” he said dully.
“I haven’t been able to get to that end of the aisle in a couple days,” the guy said slowly. “It might be easier if you hit the next lane and slip around the corner that way.”
Nodding his thanks, the billionaire backed away from the prepubescent barbarian hordes. He moved into the next section and found it was almost entirely composed of shampoos and conditioners. Rubbing his head, Lex snarled inwardly how every turn of his dollar store experience was an intricate humiliation. The next time someone accused him of being merciless, he was going to introduce them to Chloe so they could learn the difference between pragmatism without sentiment and sadistic enthusiasm for non-traditional torments.
He found the corner easily, and steadied himself with a slow inhale. He would keep his distance from the children and browse the books. No one would have any motive to hurt him here, and he was blending fairly well. The disdain he felt in his face was echoed by most of the adults who passed along the makeshift childcare aisle.
He was a Luthor. Nothing stopped him from travelling anywhere and doing anything. He could climb mountains or swim through underwater caves. He could plunge into the wilderness in a crashing jet and survive unscathed. He had tempted fate with drugs, drinking, assignations with wives of politicians, his own wives and a political bid. He was dating a woman whose uncle had promised satellite surveillance would track him down and target him for a patriot missile should Chloe voice the mildest complaint about her relationship. He had Lionel Luthor as a single parent for the latter part of his childhood and all through a troubled adolescence.
Ready, Lex swung around the corner with a no-nonsense posture. He squared his shoulders and moved gracefully between other shoppers. He saw the book section, and approached it with confidence. His hands uncurled from the instinctive fists he had made, and his back loosened from the defensive hunch.
That was when his foot hit a soft, rubbery item – sending him pinwheeling his arms into a fall. There was a tiny girl under his feet – complete with a tousled blonde mop almost the shade of Chloe's hair - and he struggled to avoid crushing her. He lost his balance with a sickening jolt. There was nothing in the aisle to grab and hold himself up. With the accompanying sound of fake flatulence, Lex Luthor came to his end – at least of dollar store shopping.
He focused on the yellowed ceiling tiles, and sighed loudly as the entire field of view filled with young, curious faces. A thousand children observed his beleaguered state, not one of them in the presence of a responsible adult.
“Are you hurt, mister,” one of them asked. His small mouth was fixed in a serious pout. “I learned first aid in scouts.”
A little girl with a Spiderman t-shirt dug in a furry purse and came up with a colourful bandage. She peeled back the paper and stuck it to his uninjured hand. A feverish throb in his ankle told Lex he was going to have to get some help beyond a group of concerned young citizens. He scooted back and sat up, his head surrounded by finger puppets and tubs of what he had to assume were fake toxic waste.
“I will give five dollars to the first one to find this lady in the store and bring her here,” he said, giving it his best ‘final offer’ tone.
A wallet photo of Chloe was studied and passed around. Having effectively set a bounty on his girlfriend’s head, he stretched his legs out and poked at the whoopee cushion that had nearly killed him. He could just imagine those headlines.
The flurry of children stomped away, leaving only a few little ones behind. The girl who had bandaged him placed the end of a plastic stethoscope over his leg, regarding him seriously as she listened to his fake heartbeat. By the time Chloe was hauled to his side, Lex had allowed a toy blood pressure cuff to be fastened over his watch.
Shaking off the frankly frightening energy of the children, Chloe stared as Lex nodded thanks at the little ringleader. He handed over a five dollar bill and there was a group cheer. Their mission was completed, and they wandered back to being a living analog of entropy.
“Lex, I hesitate to ask, but what happened,” she muttered. Despite her attitude, Chloe knelt down next to him and divested him of the cheap plastic medical apparatus.
“I wasn’t meant to be here,” he intoned with severity. “I told you this felt like a bad idea.”
His small, serious ‘doctor’ patted his hand and turned to Chloe. “He’s embarrassed because he fell down,” the little girl said. She pointed to the whoopee cushion. “He should have an x-ray. I had to have an x-ray when I fell on my skates.”
Chloe picked up the fart toy, and grinned at the little girl who was trying to help. She had to work hard to keep her tone appropriately sympathetic. “That’s too bad. Did you have to wear a cast?”
Lex cleared his throat and twitched his injured leg. “Not to interrupt, but I’m pretty sure I really do need an x-ray,” he said dourly. “Otherwise I would not be lying on this floor. I never want to come here again.”
His girlfriend pushed his pant leg up and frowned at the swelling ankle. “Oh, Lex, I don’t know how you did it, but I wouldn’t even let you come here again. The dollar store tried to finish your off, and I kind of like you.”
She kind of liked him, he thought. Kind of. Great. He risked his neck discount shopping and Chloe had yet to be completely sold.
Then Chloe kissed him quickly, as she leaned over to clear some of the toys away from his feet, and Lex felt his ankle get a little better. She smiled at him, humour tamped down in her sparkling eyes.
“You’re a nice boyfriend,” she told him. “Don’t be grumpy. You never have to come here again.”
His entirely-deserved satisfaction was deflated when she tucked her two page list into her pocket, and said blithely, “I'll come back another day without you.”
Her tone was simply informative, perhaps a little conciliatory – Chloe really did mean to return to the den of unsafe walking conditions and preteen hooligan gangs. She obviously thought Lex's accident was a simple miscalculated step, which could have happened anywhere. He knew himself to be uncommonly graceful and capable of avoiding most falls. The dollar store was a dangerous, hazardous place and he couldn't let her go there without anyone to watch over her.
“Or I could bring Lois,” she said, seemingly reading his wordless snarl. “If you're trying to talk your way out of coming with me to protect me, she's the best solution. Otherwise I'll have to take my chances all alone in this thrifty purgatory.”
The leading sparkle in her gaze told him she thought he'd accompany her before he let that happen. Lex thought she was giving herself too much credit to even have him considering another day like he was having, but then Chloe’s hair flicked across his cheek softly. He was a fool, but he’d get her to go to Brazil for Carnival in exchange.
Besides, his ankle was less painful and he was nearly certain it was just a sprain.
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Originally Posted by kitten
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