Title: Down With Santa
Author: Blaire023
Rating: Pg13/Humor
Summary: Chloe gets into a confrontation with a mall Santa.
Disclaimer: The characters belong to the WB and DC. Kris Kringle probably belongs to someone else too. But I control the strings, mwahahaha, dance puppets, DANCE!
Archival: FF.net, N-S.net, S&D, and Bald Truth 2. If you want it, take it. You don't have to ask me.
Chloe rolled her eyes as Lana pulled up short at another shop window. No matter that she'd nearly run into her half a dozen times, following too closely behind, and no matter Lana had yet to find the perfect Christmas present for her boyfriend, Jason. Chloe was partly surprised at Lana's about-face. One second she'd been cool and calculating, the next they were at one of the largest malls in the nation, and Lana had reverted back to her old ways. She'd even spotted the brunette sighing wistfully over a pale pink sweater. Chloe had promptly taken action and pulled her as far away from the offensive garment as possible.
And now she was tired. Tired of walking around four flights of shops. Tired of window shopping for Lana and not being able to actually go into the shops to do any shopping of her own. The trip to Metropolis had been planned, just poorly. They were supposed to be catching up on lost time. Chloe'd been presumed dead for a little over three months, and Lana'd been away in Paris over the summer. Both of their lives had had a dramatic impact on each of them. For instance, Chloe soon came to realize that she couldn't depend on her friends, and while she'd been in touch with Lex, he'd still kept his distance, and she'd had to fend for herself. She'd matured quickly and within a week had been twice as self sufficient.
Lana, however, claimed to have matured, and Chloe could still remember the first and last comment she'd made about Jason to Lana. They'd been sitting in Lana's room above the Talon after some bizarre situation where she, Lana and her cousin, Lois, had all been possessed, and Chloe had commented on why Clark was always the center of everyone's attention, when Jason was just as good looking. Lana had shrugged and smiled and moved busily about the room putting away supplies that looked like they'd been used in the spell that had caused said possession. It was no secret to Lana that Chloe had lost her virginity the summer before last when she'd gone to Metropolis. But Chloe was more than surprised that Lana and Jason hadn't been intimate. Lana claimed that they were intimate, just not having sex. Chloe had snorted out loud. Poor Jason.
As Lana led her into yet another shop, something twinkling caught Chloe's eye. Her head turned in the same direction and she found herself staring over at the mall's 15 foot Christmas tree, complete with ornaments the size of her fist and blinking lights tangled around each limb. But it was the red and white striped candy canes that snagged her interest. Chloe's stomach growled as she eyed the sweet treat. There wasn't a coffee shop anywhere near their corner of the mall, and she feared chocolate wouldn't hit the same spot a nice minty candy cane would. Mmmm, sugar. Lana was still rambling when the loud speaker sounded.
"The Mall will be closing in fifteen minutes." crackle, crackle. "Please collect your purchases and make your way to the nearest checkout, and Thank you for Shopping at The Metropolitan Mall. Located right in the heart of the world's biggest little city, Metropolis." Chloe winced as she heard Lana's shriek from inside the sports shop she'd wandered off into.
"It's perfect!" Chloe turned around to see Lana running straight for the checkout lady, who wore a look of horror on her face at the exuberant on-coming brunette.
Chloe stood patiently outside the sporting goods store, waiting for Lana and occasionally letting her gaze drift over to where the last of the kids in line to see Santa were quickly dropped on the fat guy's lap and were rushed to spit out what they wanted for Christmas. She could hear each 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' as Santa asked whether each individual child had been naughty or nice. Each jolly jiggle of his belly more forced than the last. And all the while Chloe felt bad for the big guy. Although he was probably earning a decent wage. The guy had to get peed on atleast once a day from frightened, or overexcited children. He had to get better than the minimum pay.
Chloe was still mentally debating the pros and cons of seasonal work when Lana came out of the store with her shopping bag held high. "I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner."
Chloe turned toward the excited brunette with arched brows. "Whadya get?"
Lana lowered the bag and opened it with a flourish. "A football!"
Chloe felt the grin tug at the corners of her mouth and tried to hold back a laugh. Poor Jason, indeed. Instead of commenting on the lack of originality for the present she tilted her head toward the towering Christmas tree. "Think I'd have to sit on Santa's lap for a candy cane?"
Lana followed the direction of her eyes and shrugged. "I don't know, why?"
Chloe grinned at her mischieviously and trudged ahead, following the winding rope path to get to the end of the shortened line. When she caught up with the end of it, there were two kids in front of her. The little boy standing beside his mom right in front of her turned around and eyed her owlishly. "You're too big to see Santa." He gasped.
Chloe shook her head. "You're never to big to see Santa, and besides, I just want the candy cane."
The mother in front of her put her hand on her child's head and redirected his attention back to where Santa was. Chloe shifted from foot to foot, impatiently waiting for her turn to tell the mall Santa what she wanted for Christmas.
After ten long minutes she was finally up next. Chloe gaped in disbelief as the guy in the Santa suit stood up and turned his back on her. When his elves started packing up she stomped her foot and cupped her hands around her mouth. "What about me?"
Santa turned around and looked at her, then after confering with his minions waved her forward. He sat back down with a sigh and pat his knee. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" He ground out between clenched teeth. "What would you like for Christmas...."
Chloe cut him off with her hand chopping through the air beside her face. "Nuh, uh. First off, you're Santa, so get rid of the attitude. Secondly, there's no way in the north pole I'd sit on your lap, and thirdly, you didn't even ask if I've been naughty or nice." Under her breath she added, "Imposter."
Santa Claus stood up and brushed the legs of his red velvet pants with his white gloves, then leaned in toward the blonde chick in front of him. "You listen to me, you little snot nosed brat. I've been here since 6 am, I've got a fat suit on under two pounds of thickly lined velvet because pillows just don't cut it anymore. I've had kids cough on me, cry on me, throw up on me, freak out on me, and at least once a day I get pissed on. So why don't you and your flighty little friend," He pointed over to where Lana was standing with her millions of shopping bags and a patented blank smile on her face, "get the hell out of my mall and go bother some other Santa Claus." After he finished growling out his sentence Chloe glared right back at him and without thinking about it her hand whipped out and she pulled his glasses off his face. Holding them out of his reach, she grinned evilly at him.
"All I want is a candy cane, I've been here since the mall opened this morning, I've been dragged through every store here, atleast twice, while my flighty little friend," She pointed with the stolen spectacles over at Lana, "has rambled on and on about how blow jobs don't count as losing your virginity. Do I care if she swallows? No! Do I care about how great her boyfriend is and that I'm *still* alone? No! Do I care if she finds her wonderful boyfriend who loves her so much he doesn't mind if she doesn't give him a peice of ass the best fucking Christmas gift ever? NO! I can't say I do. All day I've been walking, dodging old people with walkers, mothers in strollers who can give a shit less if they run over your toes with their fifty pound toddler riding shotgun, and doing my damndest at pulling little miss slut-slut away from everything and anything pink since it's now the new black. Do I look like a woman who needs to take shit from a stupid little mall Santa Claus? NO!!!!" Chloe's tirade ended on a whoosh of breath. She knew from experience her face was bright red, and by the way the Santa imposter was staring at her, she knew her face was as red as his velvet lined outfit. She tossed him his glasses, and then sucked in a deep breath, "Now give me a fucking candy cane!"
The Santa stared at her for a few seconds before shaking his head and muttering under his breath about crazy broads. Chloe watched in ire inspired awe as he lightly shoved an elf out of his way. "I'm not getting paid enough for this crap." He grumbled and Chloe saw red. He wasn't just ignoring her and her rant. He wasn't going to give up the candy cane. Chloe felt her nostrils flare as rage consumed her and she flew at the Santa, knocking him down and into a stack of presents almost as tall as herself. The empty cardboard boxes, wrapped with Christmasy paper came tumbling down on top of them. She got a hold of a boot buckle just as something hard smacked her in the back of her head. She heard voices, but barely over her own harsh breathing as she grabbed for a velvet pantleg and pulled hard, bringing the Santa down on top of her and a few empty boxes. A bow poked her in the eye and a black boot swung out at her just as she raised her hands in front of her face. A second later Chloe was hauled up out of the mess by the back of her shirt. Her arms still swinging at the Santa standing only a few feet away from her.
"Chloe." An arm wrapped around her stomach and lifted her off her feet, the momentum carrying her backward with the solid body still behind her. "Chloe."
"Let me at him." She mumbled then when she saw the Santa look up at her she screamed, "GIVE ME MY CANDY CANE YOU LITTLE BITCH!"
Lex's warm breath fanned across her ear as he laughed softly behind her. She sure did have a mouth on her. "Chloe, stop it, you're kicking me."
Her heel struck his shin again and she craned her head around to look back at the person holding her captive. Her hazel eyes connected with gray-blue ones and she felt the heat drain from her face. "Shit." She groaned and closed her eyes even as Lex laughed again.
"CRAZY BITCH!"
Chloe's eyes popped back open at the sound of the harrassed Santa's voice.
"I'M GONNA HAVE YOU ARRESTED!"
Chloe groaned again and settled down, allowing Lex to gently lower her feet to the floor. When she had calmed he kept on arm across her stomach and leaned his chin on her shoulder, putting his face right beside hers. "Should I call my lawyer?"
Chloe squeezed her eyes shut and grumbled under her breath and Lex decided he had never laughed as much in one day as he had in all his life.
TBC...
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