Title: Agony
Rating: R
Category: Angst
Summary: Chloe can’t let go of the past. Her eternal love won’t allow her to move on.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters of Smallville.
A/N: I wrote this a while ago. I’m a little unsure about it but thought I should just give it a shot. :o I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this weird short angsty fic.
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-Anyone who limits her vision to memories of yesterday is already dead.-
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Along with being a hypocrite, everyone in this world is also a contradiction. Although it can be said that Lex Luthor is a king among men...he is still a man. Thick cords of stone can represent the reach of his will. He’s strong, hard as steel...and as ruthless as...can be. Yet...at times...my Lex can be as delicate as the weak withered petals of a dead flower. Can be...everyone can be so many things in life.
I don’t really know why I’m saying this. I’m full of confusion. Even the thoughts in my head reflect the undercurrent that lies beneath Lex and my relationship...lied...or lies. I’m chuckling softly as my throat constricts almost painfully, I’m not really sure we even have a relationship. Our relationship was always mixed up, confused.
Regardless of that, I was distinctly proud of one thing for sure. In a certain way, Lex and I never played games with each other. We didn’t lie to each other no matter how brutal or sappy the truth was. But...we did have battles of wit though. We were both guilty of using our intelligence, using clever ways to engrave deep wounds into each other. Most couples during fights yell what ever nonsense falls out of their mouth in the heat of anger. We...well-planed jibes fell out of our mouths in anger. Our hurt forced us to the point of cruelty against one another. And when we were in the passion of blissful love...it was, well, bliss. Our relationship is definitely confusing...or was confusing.
The music of happiness is dancing everywhere around me. If I were self-centered, I would say that the reason behind everyone’s joy was the sole intention to mock, hurt me. I tried...I truly tried with all my heart, well what’s left of it anyway, to appear content, even happy. However, things rarely go as we’d like. My heart was being held together by the strings I had carefully sewn into it. I thought that I’d done more than a good job...but tonight I learned how wrong I was, how ignorant I was. Every time their perfect picture flew before my eyes, it was like one of the strings got caught up in their expensive heels and they pulled them loose as they gracefully glided away.
I had politely excused myself and am currently residing behind my shelter. Magnificent wide arcs that flowed to a small hallway hide me from everyone’s view. I’d convinced my legs to drive at a walking pace as the appreciated hideout presented itself. But now...I can’t stop myself from looking back. Sadness was already consuming me but I desperately ached for the tiny spark of happiness that lit when I set eyes on him. When I could see him in person after months of absence.
Like a sneaky child, my head innocently peaked from behind the wall. It didn’t take long to find him. His presence has always drawn attention. There was confusion again. I couldn’t understand why the pain in my chest was suddenly producing tears. Was it because I was seeing him after such a long time? The strings were pulling so hard. So, so hard.
The demanding urge to peel the skin off my back with my nails leaped up as his strong and unscarred hand slid smoothly across the small of her back. I’m trying to convince myself that it could be the luminous lights that cause their eyes to shine as they gaze at each other.
Chloe laid on her stomach on the plush couch as she corrected some paper. The rain was beating hard against the window. The droplets of the pouring rain and the crackling of the fire filled the room with a soothing natural music. She heard as Lex moved behind her but didn’t turn to see why.
A surprised gasp escaped her mouth as the small of her back tingled from a tongue sliding across a portion of skin and teeth quickly sinking into it a moment later. She turned around and sat up. Giggling at Lex’s innocent expression, she playfully reprimanded, "Lex!"
Lex grabbed at her waist and pulled her onto his lap. "What?" His fingers danced along her bare, still slightly tingling back. Her giggles died down into a smile by the lure of his pale-colored eyes. She stared into their beauty, amazed at experiencing her soul betraying her own body to drown into his at such a simple action.
"Nothing." She caught the beginning of a smile right before their lips met. His tongue slowly glided into her mouth just as their bodies flushed tightly together.
I snatched myself away from the scene of desolation. My back rested against the comfort of the wall once again. My fingers squeezed over the fancy crystal-cut glass in my hand, reminding me of its content.
Everyone can also be a masochist.
I took a long sip of the amber liquid. My throat stubbornly strained to capture the coughing fit desiring to explode. I’d allowed myself my rare choice of poison for this occasion- brandy.
Chloe pulled away from his lips, she murmured, "Mmm...you taste good." Her eyes opened lazily.
A teasing smirk graced Lex’s face and an eyebrow rose, "It’s actually brandy. If I had known before how much you like it, I would have offered you some."
She lightly seized his lower lip between her teeth and tugged it briefly. "I know that. What I meant is that the stinging sensation makes your...taste more tangible. It might be weird, but whatever. Your kiss was more biting and it was like your essence filled me."
"I like the sound of that," he said. "And speaking of, I have the sudden urge to fill you another way."
"Your urges are always sudden."
"What can I say? Your sensuality is the cause for my erraticism."
Now her eyebrows lifted, "Those words could easily be mistaken for others...and, of course that was your purpose."
The stinging in my lungs was joined by the newly sprouted water stinging my eyes. My face contorted painfully. Why was this happening now? Never once had I broken down, even shed a single tear in public. Why now?
Before gravity could increase the power of its shackles and attract the depressing weight in me down, a voice jarred me from my thoughts.
"Chloe..."
I waited for a second, to make sure my voice came out at least unbroken. "Yeah?"
His mouth opened, and closed in hesitancy, "Do you want to leave?"
I rolled my heads upward to meet his gaze, "No...it’s okay," my voice was almost convincing. A sad smile stretched my gloss-covered lips, "Aren’t you going to ask if I’m okay?"
His face grew into something mingled with seriousness and sadness, "I know you’re not."
My head began to nod on its own accord. Another rush of helplessness burst through me. My heart grew tender and weak simultaneously. Apparently, I was being so obvious that my dear friend, Captain Oblivious, could read my emotions like a book. I guess it didn’t really help that I’d taken up refuge behind this wall. And, I would have to give him some credit. Age had definitely lessened the dense factor. I straightened my posture- a useless attempt at control in front of a friend who knew better. I opened my mouth in hopes of dispersing a sarcastic, witty remark. Instead, my throat felt as if it were convulsing.
I couldn’t remove the small, whisper-like tone, "No...I’m not okay, Clark." I shook my head, "I’m not." At least the water works didn’t demand to fall from their pools. I sniffled and thought of the pathetic picture I must have made.
A fleeting expression of reluctance sprang across Clark’s face, "Chloe...do you think you can handle going over and congratulating them?"
A small, dry, gasp-like sob flew from my mouth. His kindness inadvertently led to unkindness. Or maybe he was proving that I really wasn’t okay. His face displayed the honesty of the word sorry coming from his mouth.
Clark placed his hands on my shoulders, "I’m so sorry, Chloe. We should just go. It would be okay. You’re not okay to be here." His hands fell away only to gently take a hold of my hand and pull me back into the bright world full of people. I stopped him before we left the large arc. I backed up until the wall of the arc hit my back, my temporary comfort. I was now in everyone’s sight so I had to be very careful of my emotions.
"No, Clark, I’m not going to run away. I-I came here and now I’ll have to deal with that decision," I was satisfied that my voice was growing stronger. Maybe it had to do with the mask in front of the public. "If he’s happy...th-then I...it would be so much easier if I got over this now. I can’t ignore it anymore." This was the time where my soul was roaring against my words. Yes, I could ignore it. No, I wasn’t going to be fine. No, I’m not happy without him.
As if by some coincidence, precise timing, or something- I glanced at the dance floor just for a single second. And in that single second, I caught his eye.
My breath caught in my throat.
He acknowledged me right away. A corner of his lips lifted ever so slightly to form the tiniest of smirks, almost undetectable but I could tell. I could always tell.
I had never wanted to blacken his soul.
His hands pulled her a little closer. A little closer as his gaze continued to strangle me. The sharp knife didn’t stab my heart brutally. Instead, it ran excruciatingly along my midriff. Slow, patient, deep cuts across- left to right.
Left to right.
Left to right.
The lovers laid facing each other in their peaceful bed with only the cover of the thin silk sheet shielding their bare bodies. Lex brushed some of Chloe’s hair from her flushed cheek.
The air held a slight chill, but the internal heat burning in them both fought against it.
"You take my breath away," his voice was soft and silky, caressing her mind.
I quickly averted my gaze. This is a game to him. I shouldn’t be familiar with this game since we’ve never taken part in them, but...I am. I love him so much it hurts. I’ve always wondered how people could hold truth to that statement. Love is a wonderful thing. So how can it ever hurt to love someone so much?
Everyone can be naive at times.
"Chloe..."
Clark voice snaps me out of my personal black hole again. I look up at him. Clark. So kind, sweet, simple...so uncomplicated. Over these past forsaken months, so many times I’ve wished that I wished to want to be with Clark. But...it’s impossible to think of, let alone want, someone else other than Lex. He is my world. I don’t care if people might snicker at the pathetic thought of me making my world so small. That’s not how I see it. I can see Lex in everything I see, do, be...and who can ever think that the word ‘small’ could pertain to Lex Luthor?
"Umm...," I took a deep breath. I can zip up the strong suit, though it probably was a little worn out. "Yeah, I can handle it. It would be polite to just congratulate them now." In response, Clark lifts his arm like a true gentleman and I place my arm over it. I appreciate him not pushing his concern. I think I might have broken if the chance to run away veered its tempting head.
Oh God...how could I do this? At a distance, the heartache was a strong buzz. Now, It was horribly growing in power as I approached its source. The graceful couple had exited the dance floor for a rest. Flowing ‘thank you’s’ sang from their mouths at everyone’s ‘congrat’s.’ Oh...how it hurt. Water was prickling my eyes and I calmed the panic before it worsened.
We finally came to a stop in front of them. Adorning bright smiles, they looked stunning. Did Lex and I ever look that good? I’m rotting in shame as I discover that my eyes refuse to look at them...at him.
"Hello Clark, Chloe," Lex greeted. A sliver of surprise follows his words. A ‘Miss Sullivan’ would have been fitting for this scene.
"Hello," his fiancé joyously greeted.
Honestly, there was no jealously at being in her presence. I’d gotten over that a while ago. It was just pure agony that filled me. I should have been the one standing next to Lex- smiling as if I’d received all the happiness in the world.
Levers of pride picked my head up. It would seem more sad if I wouldn’t even be able to look up as I spoke to them. He fixed his stare on me. Smiling. Always smiling. I would have given anything I had at that moment for him to wrap his arms around me and declare over and over again that he was mine. Only mine. Not to say that I’m his, I’ve been his for a long time.
Savior Clark performed his job by breaking the silence, "We just wanted to come over and congratulate you both on the engagement." My hand clutched his arm tighter. It was nice to know that I could squeeze as hard as I needed and it wouldn’t hurt him.
"Congratulations," reluctantly...gratefully the smile appeared on my face.
Lex’s smile flickered into a smirk for a brief flash. I know that I have every right to hate him, despise him. But I can’t. I was at fault too. After the initial fight, I’d given up. I felt too broken up to take arms and stomp forward. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn’t have had to see this day. Perhaps if I was strong enough, the world would be calling me his wife.
Lex was dressed as usual, in a stylish black suit and tie, a white pristine shirt underneath. His arm rested casually around her waist. He sipped at his champagne glass and continued to watch me.
It was at the discomfort I felt then that I began to utter the regrettable words. I turned slightly to her, "You both look..." I hesitated for a second.
She smiled widely again, "So in love, right?" She giggled or laughed, something in between. I can’t be disgusted because I would have most likely done the same thing- been unbashful in my happiness. "If I weren’t already in love with him, I would have been convinced that I was from so many people telling us that." She glanced up at Lex and gave him an adoring smile. I almost came undone from having to resist yelling ‘have mercy on me.’
Chloe’s legs felt weak. Despite the lack of strength, her legs still clung to his waist. Lex moved their adjoined bodies to the bed and sat down. His long arm laid vertically on her back, his palm flat on her sweaty skin, supporting her up as her head fell back in ecstasy.
His head fell forward to rest on her slender neck, "God, I love you." The fingers on her back clung to her skin harshly. And her fingers dug into him just as desperately.
"Will you excuse me? I need to go the ladies’ room." I didn’t wait for anyone’s response, just hightailed out of there. I slipped through the cracks of the crowd and sought out the restroom.
After making sure my eyes weren’t blood-shot, I wandered around a little. The hotel was amazing in décor. It was a tall building with seemingly endless floors. This ballroom was situated on the tenth floor. It was an odd placing but worked well with isolation from the busy bottom floors.
At the end of the ballroom in a hidden corner, I saw a small staircase. I probably shouldn’t have gone up there, but...curiosity has always been a sort of pain-killer for me. I went up five flights of stairs before I came upon something interesting. It was a small, yet very lavish sitting room. Also another odd thing for a sitting room to be here. I pushed two tall glass doors at the end of the room and walked through. Odd yet again, but beautiful. It was a balcony. On the railing, a few intricately designed pots of roses stood.
As I made my way toward the railing, my purse accidently slipped from my hand.
Lex silently bent down to pick up her fallen purse. He handed it to her and walked past her. Chloe let her eyes linger on his retreating form as she stood still before following his footsteps. Lex entered his room, pulling off his jacket. He dropped it onto the single couch chair near the large window. Chloe came in a few seconds later. She paused as she looked at Lex, taking in his demeanor. She walked toward him, slinging her long coat and purse onto the bed as she past it.
"Lex..."
He closed his eyes in tension and his hand flew to his head. He rubbed his forehead, willing the headache to seep out. Chloe observed him with concerned eyes. He never really handled headaches well. His hand dropped away and he turned to look at her.
"I don’t like seeing you like this- aggravated and angry. But I’m not really sure what I can say to make it better." She wanted to touch him, in any way. But she understood that he sometimes needed his personal space. "You’re the one I’m with because I want to be. I love only you." He continued to watch her quietly, his expression wavering between strained and guarded. "I can’t give you solid proof but...there it is. Now...thinking of being with someone else other than you...it makes my skin crawl in a bad way."
He didn’t say anything. A minute of silence stretched around them before he let an exhausted sigh out and sat down on the chair. He ran his hands over his face then looked up at her.
"I’m sorry, Chloe," he paused. "I know...I know all of that. Th-this is me. Your one condition to becoming a couple was that I show you all of me. You wanted the good and the bad...everything." She sat down on her knees on the floor beside him causing him to look down as he spoke. "I want to get over this, and I will in time. Just by being here you help. You help make my insecurities disappear. And...this is one of them. I love you and know that you love me too. Regardless...I do occasionally get irrationally jealous."
She laid a hand on his knee, hoping he didn’t mind. He didn’t as he bent down and she eagerly lifted to meet his lips.
I picked up my purse and moved to the railing. It wasn’t that far up and had a decent view. I shivered and rubbed the goose-bumps on my arms. The only protection I had against the chilly air was my silk, off-the-shoulder dress. Maybe the cold could distract me from the thoughts that plagued my mind. Maybe.
Hopefully.
Tear’s were forming in Chloe’s eyes but not falling. Lex’s words...voice was so cold and dead. "Lex...you have to understand..."
His fiery eyes whirled back at her and she felt like flinching, "Understand what, Chloe?" He roared at her. "My entire desk is covered with pictures of you laughing and smiling at that guy, of him kissing you places you promised only I could, of your naked body lying in his sweaty sheets. How the hell do you plan to talk your way out of this?" His eyes blazed, not dying down for a single second.
She looked miserable. She had to make him understand. Make this all go away. He had to see the truth. She tried to carry a stern voice but her strength was failing her, "They’re lies, Lex. They’re all lies. Some-someone slipped something into my drink. I don’t remember anything from that night. Everything that you see in those pictures was against my will. Lex, y-you have to believe me," her pleading voice mirrored the emotions in her eyes. "I...I-I was r..."
"Don’t!" His command stopped her immediately. "I can’t believe you," he said incredulously. "How can...how can you stand here and continue to lie to me so blatantly?" For a brief moment, it seemed like he’d walk over and hit her from the sheer anger that was radiating off him. "You’re disgusting. And it doesn’t seem like you have any shame either." He grabbed a manilla folder off of a table behind him and threw it at her feet. Chloe didn’t pick it up knowing that he would spit out the contents. "It’s solid proof," he was mocking her, cruelty was poking its head out. "Hospital reports. There were no toxins found in your system, Chloe." He wasn’t smirking yet, he was hurting too much to be viciously cruel.
"I’m not lying, Lex! Someone must have changed the results," she tried to reason with him. Her faith was dimming. "You should know that anything in the world is for sale."
She was so, so tired.
His lips tightened, a tiny melancholic smile flickered on his face. "That’s not all. You took a...rape kit in means of proving your version of the story. It proved nothing, Chloe. It was all consensual."
Chloe clenched her fists, Lex was letting whoever had done this win. He wasn’t believing in her. The possibilities were open up wide in front of him but he was turning a blind eye to them.
"I wasn’t ripped up inside because I was fucking unconscious." This was it. It was hopeless. Everything around them was drowning. She was running the race even though she could see only loss at the finish line.
Even though Lex felt sick at her callous words, his face didn’t reveal it. "We’re over, Chloe. You can pack up your few things now or come back for them later- preferably when I’m gone." He spoke with such finality that she couldn’t fight back.
It had been too much for me. What happened that night at the club...Lex’s refusal three days later, I broke down. My love for Lex is endless. So many times I thought I was weird for loving...needing him that much. Back then, I often frightened myself over how much I truly loved him. After he basically told me to get out of his life, I ran away and never looked back. His simple spoken words that night broke my heart into pieces. I was too weak to fight back. I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive the bruises. There was also the definite anger. Lex had abandoned me. He believed the world instead of me.
I sigh, my breath flowing visibly as fog across the air.
I still love him though.
Still want him more than ever.
The End.
