Pinky Swear (Promise parody/re-write) PG - Complete

Title: Pinky Swear (Promise parody/rewrite)
Author: Biscuits
Rating: PG-ish, some swearing but no sex
Spoilers: MAJOR spoilers. I’m writing about events that I know of only from spoilers, these episodes haven’t even aired yet. Be warned and thus not pissed at me for spoiling the surprise.
Archive: Ask first, then maybe

A/N: I like people. I love feedback. Therefore if you, a person, leave feedback, I will love you:)

Summary: I was reading about spoilers for the Lexana wedding and baby/lack of baby and I was so horrified that my mind went into a Chlex happy place to protect me from the trauma. This is how my mind rationalized the events that are supposed to occur. It is kind of cracked out and has none of the usual finesse that I strive for when writing. Enjoy.



Lex paced the floor of the church sacristy anteroom that he was supposed to be getting ready in. He’d been ready forty-five minutes ago. The light bounced up at him from his shiny dress shoes, twinkling with every step. He never thought he’d be nervous on his wedding day. He hadn’t been nervous on any of his others.

But then again, he wasn’t actually going to get married. The knot roiling and twisting around in his stomach had more to do with the guest list. One person, specifically, that he was praying would show up.

He had been snide and snotty to Clark for months, baiting him to come by hitting below the belt. He only hoped it worked. He’d been forced to watch as his friend morphed from a geeky, well-intentioned and earnest farm boy into a closed-minded, self-righteous, short-sighted idiot. Lex could change all that today if everything went according to plan, though.

He was kind of ticked at Clark for his reaction after finding out the research he’d been doing. But, Lex was willing to forgive Clark for his adamant resentment and distrust to a certain extent. After all, if he were an alien he’d be pretty fucking paranoid about someone finding out too.

Yes, Lex knew all about the whole meteor shower, spaceship, fake adoption, alien superpowers thing. And when he got really irked at Clark was sometimes tempted to expose him, but then it would screw up his plan. A plan he had hand crafted, and suffered acutely to accomplish all in the name of protecting Clark. And he’d be damned if he’d let the pain he’d endured go to waste because Clark was being especially asinine on a certain day.

Finally. Lucas, his best man knocked lightly and opened the door. “It’s time,” he said bluntly. “Get the lead out, let’s go.”

Walking out past the pews of guests, Lex scanned the rows avidly, searching for a particular face, shoulders tight with tension. He didn’t see Clark, but maybe the lanky, socially inept, college dropout was cleverly hiding behind a pillar or using a pair of classes as an ingenious disguise. Chloe would know, though. She’d be able to tell him a definite yea or nay when she processed down the aisle, although that would be cutting it close.

He nodded tersely at the minister once he was in place. Wagner whooshed from the organ pipes as the wedding processional began. First came the flower girl, who was the daughter of his chef, who cheerfully dug into her basket and plunked down flowers every few feet as she walked down the aisle. There were no bridesmaids, Lana could only rustle up one person to stand up with her: Chloe, who was already pinned down as the maid of honor.

Chloe looked radiant, her hair loosely curled and pinned up. Lex couldn’t hold back the genuine smile that graced his features when she appeared at the end of the aisle. Neither could he stop his breath from catching and his eyes from watering as he mentally flashed through a dozen scenarios in which Chloe would be walking down that expensive sash of red velvet towards his for real. Smiling at him in a white dress instead of a grey one.

She nodded imperceptibly to answer his unvoiced question. Yes Clark was here, or at least, thanks to his super hearing, close enough to overhear the important bits.

It had taken his last reserved of patience and will as he was planning the wedding with Lana to keep from rolling his eyes at the strange color palette she chose and the garish decorations she had in mind.

Speak of the devil.

She looked so pale and pinched walking toward him, like she had smelled something foul or stepped in something squishy. He sighed, painting on a smile, clinging to the relief he would feel when all of this was over.

He gave her an obligatory kiss on the cheek and clasped her cold, clammy hands in his warm, dry ones. He led her the last steps forward to the altar, and together they faced the priest.

Lex tuned out for the predictable, introductory blather about joining two in holy matrimony, but seized upon the moment he was waiting for.

“If anybody here has a reason why these two should not be wed, let them speak now . . .”

“I object!” said Lex, Chloe, and Clark simultaneously.

“What?!” Lana gasped, shooting accusing stares at all three of them. “I knew I couldn’t trust you. Everybody leaves me, just like my parents did!” She started to cry quietly into her bouquet.

Clark, who had zipped out of the woodwork at the last, crucial moment, was standing next to Lex. He moved as though to go comfort Lana and console her, but Lex’s arm across his chest stopped him temporarily.

“Wait,” Lex said. He addressed the guests. “Sorry for the inconvenience folks but there won’t be a wedding today. Please leave,” he said cheerfully.

From their position in the front row Lionel and Martha looked at each other and shrugged. “I really should stay and support Clark in his time of need,” said Martha.

“Do you want to go back to the barn and keep almost flirting with each other yet not crossing the line and besmirching Jonathan’s memory by actually doing any thing?” asked Lionel hopefully. “I can promise you ambiguity and unresolved sexual tension.”

“Okay,” said Martha. “Kids will be kids anyway. Let’s go”

“Thanks,” Lex said as people, including the priest, businessmen and Lionel and Martha filed out of the building. Lex turned back to the wedding party. “There’s something I want all of you to hear.” He faced Clark. “I need to confess something to you.”

“I am not in love with Lana—“ he began, but Clark interrupted him.

“You’re in love with me,” Clark said as though as he had finally solved a sudoku set after much time and effort. “Jeez, why does this always happen to me? Lana, Alicia, Chloe, Bessie the Cow, and now you”

“Shut up for a minute, Clark,” Lex said. “I am not in love with you either. I’m in love with Chloe. I have been ever since we started secretly fucking three years ago.”

“You love me?” asked Chloe, ducking around a still-sobbing Lana to look into Lex’s eyes. “I love you too,” she said, wrapping her arms around him and reaching up on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on him. He reciprocated eagerly for a moment before breaking away.

“I’m sorry, but I have to explain this to Clark. Can you sit with Her and try to make her shut up?” he asked, gesturing his head in Lana’s direction.

“Lana is a manipulative shrew who uses men and despite how much she complains about her circumstances waits for a man to come and save her from herself,” he told Clark without preamble. “Spending time with her changed you from the earnest, good-hearted guy who saved my life and was willing to give me a chance to the obnoxious, self-centered moron you are today.

“At first I tried pushing you two together in hopes that it would get her out of your system. But that didn’t work. And despite the terrible things she’s done, like the murder of Jason’s mother and attempted murder of that vapid Lake woman, you still worship her.” Lex ran his palms over his head in exasperation.

“Chloe was the one who finally came up with an idea to open your eyes to her true self so you could stop throwing your life away on her. It called for sacrifices on her part and on mine.

“When Lana came to me for help about Jason and his mother and later about the second meteor shower and you I pretended that I was slowly warming up to her, as was her intent. I allowed myself to seem captivated by her ‘goodness,’ captivated by the promise of total honesty between us even as I widened the wedge between us so her betrayal of you would be that much more profound.

“She led us both on and played us against each other. I played along, hoping you would see how shallow and manipulative her feelings were if she could cast you aside and then ran headfirst into a relationship with your rich and powerful ex-friend.

“You still ran to her rescue every time. I don’t really want to see her come to physical violence—“

“I kinda do,” Chloe voiced from the peanut gallery where she was wrestling with a pinched-faced, unhappy and squirrelly Lana.

Lex broke off to smile at her before continuing. “Still, your dedication to her was excessive. When nothing else worked I took drastic measures.”

“You slept with her and got her pregnant!” Clark exclaimed, desperate to cling to his fury.

Lex shuddered. “No I did not. I never had sex with her. I didn’t touch her at all unless it couldn’t be avoided. There was no baby.”

Lana and Clark looked up at him in shock.

“I paid a scientist to expose Lana to hormones that made her seem pregnant, both in symptoms and enzyme levels that those home pregnancy tests check for.” Thy continued to look at him with shock, though now tinged with a bit of horror and disgust.

“Evil genius, here,” Lex said, waving a hand at his general person. “Remember?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Clark lamely.

“It was supposed to show you that even with a life-changing event like motherhood on the horizon Lana was still playing us against each other, professing her love for us both without being honest with either of us. I proposed to force her hand, so that she couldn’t hide in the middle between us. It was also supposed to be a wake up call for you so that you’d move on.

“But again, whatever hold Lana has on you is stronger than logic and reason and sense. So I actually had to go so far as to take her to the altar before I could use this opportunity to try to drill my point home,” finished Lex.

“But you used me,” accused Lana, indignant.

“You used me too. And you used Clark. And you killed people,” retorted Lex. “Besides, I’m not completely cruel. Lucas here,” he pulled Lucas forward, who had up till that point been standing in the background snickering softly under his breath. “Lucas is vapid, and shallow, and manipulative just like you. Plus he’s rich, intelligent, and recently staged a coup to try to seize my company. You two deserve each other.”

Lana brightened immediately, jumping up, all lingering traces of sadness vanished, and dragging Lucas out of the church behind her.

Once the door had banged shut behind them, Lex addressed Clark once again. “Let’s cut the crap. You’re an alien. With superpowers. I’ve known for a while. No, Chloe didn’t tell me, she wouldn’t betray your secret like that. I’m not going to tell anyone and now that you no longer believe that the sun shines out of Lana’s butt, I hope we can be friends again. But not right now. Now I can finally be with Chloe officially, in public and it doesn’t have to be a secret anymore.”

“But, I thought she was with Jimmy,” Clark said, not quite processing all that Lex’s rapid-fire speech had told him.

“Nope,” Chloe answered, rising from the pew to walk over and stand next to Lex. He snuck an arm around her waist and she pillowed her head against his shoulder. “Jimmy’s gay. I should give you his number, you two could really hit it off.”

Clark flushed. “Me? Oh, I’m not gay,” he said nervously, fingering his collar. “I like girls and breasts and . . . Ok. What’s the number?”

“I’ll email it to you,” said Chloe, pressing herself closer to Lex.

“What about your first public appearance as a couple? This isn’t in public. We’re alone,” said Clark, confused.

“Clark, how bout you exercise your super speed and pay Jimmy a visit right now?” suggested Lex with an unsubtle glare towards the door.

“Right,” he said.

A split second later Chloe kissed Lex, darting her tongue out to see if she could taste the relief and happiness he felt. She pulled back. “You look so hot in a tux,” she said huskily.

“Do you want to marry me?” Lex said, looking shocked that he’d said the words aloud.

“God, yes,” answered Chloe without hesitation. “Do you want to go fuck?”

“God, yes.”



THE END



A/N: I have been slowly but surely working away at the next Empire update. Most of it is written but I haven’t had the time to type it up yet. I’m aiming for really soon. Like this weekend soon, but sadly I can’t absolutely guarantee.

This was excellent!

Lex's telling off Clark for his blindness towards Lana is just beautiful--if only this would actually happen:D

And of course Chloe and Lex have been having a secret relationship this entire time--the signs are all there.:grin3:

But I feel bad for Lucas--what did he do to wind up with Lana?;)

That was excellent, too bad it won't really happen.

I loved it! There are some things in this fic that I can almost pretend could be the route SV is going, like the secret Chlex paring and Lex knowing about Clark the whole time. At the very least that all of this was done to piss Clark off. Despite how Promise goes, at least we have this fic to cherish. Love the idea of Jimmy and Clark, but like Kit I feel bad for Lucas, no one deserves that but I see the need for Lana to move on to her next guy.

'IF Only' are the only words running through my mind right about now... If Only... If Only...

It doesn't hurt to dream

I absolutely loved it!! Most especially the Chlex being together for the past three years---and in love---part. <g> Great job!!

A resounding "Amen!" to everything Lex said about Lana. :worship:

That was one serious wake-up speech. Too bad the only things that registered in her squirelly brain was that she was used.

HEL-LO! Selective hearing alert! :shocked:

I wish that would happen in the upcoming episode. It would surely explain a lot of inconsistencies and WTF's, and have almost every story arc come full circle...Like the ChLex-summer-in-the-safehouse plot AlMiles admitted that they "forgot" about. :bang:

If only it would happen like that, than it would certainly make up for what the show has done so far. Poor Lucas though, getting hooked up with that lol

Great fic
:)
I laughed a lot when Clark wanted Jimmy's number
:D

Awesome. Always glad to see the pink squirrel put in her place.

Oh this was absolutely wonderful!!! I loved it :D

This made me giggle over and over.:P

Thanks pointing all the things that are ever so true about these people that they act like aren't real.

Lmao omg loved it was so funny