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I also realized,” she cuts him off, stepping further into his room, “That I know almost everything there is to know about you. I know your favorite color, favorite food. I know that you love it when it rains because it reminds you of your mom and that you like winter better than summer and that in your top nightstand drawer you keep a picture of Lindsay and Claire because you want that but you’re so damn stubborn you won’t admit it,” Chloe smiles sadly towards him, watches him watching her with a blank expression she’s become to used to over the years. “I know all of that about you, and you know nothing about me--”
“It’s not by choice,” he says angrily, taking one, single step closer to her. “I’ve been waiting here for five damn years for you to open up to me Chloe and you wouldn’t do it. I’ve always been here, always been waiting, and all I ever got in return was nothing.”
Lex was right. So incredibly right and it makes her feel awful. Cheap, and she knows she has no one to blame for this mess around her but herself. Chloe has been having this conversation over and over in her head for days, weeks almost and whatever she had imagined-- whatever scenario she had thought up-- it hadn’t gone like this. The situation had never gotten this far out of her control.
But it was now. Was spiraling away from her and she had to do something. Anything. She started speaking so suddenly and rapidly that she even surprised herself.
“I hate the left side of the bed,” she begins when he went to say something further, cutting him off completely. He looks surprised and confused and she ignores it. “I hate it and I never tell you because I always thought it was trivial, and stupid-- but I still hate it. I hate that some mornings the first think you do is pour yourself a glass of scotch and then turn and nag to me about my smoking. I like summer, not winter. I hate the rain, and I really, really hate Lois some days because she has everything I’ve ever wanted-- the chance to have everything I’ve ever wanted-- and she was so quick to want to throw it away. And I really, really don’t like the way I am when I’m not with you,” Chloe lets out a breath she realized she hadn’t been holding in and tries her very best to not let the tears threatening to fall spill over.
She hates crying. Has done it so much in the past few months that she honestly doesn’t think she has any tears left. And she is so tired, so tired of pretending. Pretending to be alright, pretending that she doesn’t love Lex. Tired of lying to herself when she manages to convince herself that San Francisco was even an option. Because it wasn’t, she knew it all along, she was only just now acknowledging it.
Better late than never, she thinks again like she had months earlier, but still knows it may not be enough. Not for him.
“I hate it, Lex,” Chloe says tearfully, “I hate needing you the way I do. And I’ve tried not to, tried to push you away, but I’m still here. I still came back and that’s got to mean something, right? I mean, it has to. It has to, Lex, because I just can’t do this anymore.”
Lex look just as exhausted as she felt, looked tired, and worn, and used and Chloe realizes she knows those feelings too well. He shuffles his feet, rocks back and forth on his heels, avoids her eyes.
“And I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry-- and I never say that and actually mean it,” she pauses and laughs ruefully, “Because I am hardly ever sorry about anything. But I am, Lex,” Chloe chokes on his name, her throat suddenly dry, eyes burning. “I am sorry, you have to know that.”
When he finally does meet her eyes, when he takes the few steps between them and bounds over to her, she knows. Knows that this is what it is suppose to feel like. This is what she had felt all along and it is okay. She recognizes it. This is love, and it isn’t easy, and it sure as hell isn’t perfect but it is her. And it is Lex. And for now, for right that moment it was enough.
Gahh. This entire exchange was just wonderfully written. Chloe acknowledging her mistakes and the fact that she's the one who never let him in (which considering who Lex is, is quite the feat). Loved how she started revealing bits of herself to him and how she laid it out to him about just how much she needs him. For a second there I was scared he wasn't going to give her a chance but then he took her in arms and the tears started.
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Neither one of them say anything. Can’t think of anything really to say. They just stand there and bask in the presence of one another. Drawing strength from each other, drawing love from one another and knowing that with that love and that strength they can rebuild the cracked foundation beneath them, the bridges that seemed to have been burned over the last months.
It wasn’t a new beginning or a fresh start. It wasn’t a do over. It was a continuation of something that would always be flawed. Would never be perfect, but would always be there. Something that was worth fixing
I think I loved this especially. Something about the way you said it that's just so beautiful and real and describes their relationship so perfectly.
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[It’s easier to do this now, the both of them know.
Easier for her to lie next to him, millimeters away and not feel as far away as she used to. Easier to see his eagerness to walk away. Easier to lose him completely because she has experienced and understands the idea of loss better now. Easier for him to see her readiness to make it work and know what he has to do to achieve it. Easier for him to look at her and see her dear face and know that she and what they have isn’t going anywhere any time soon.
“I know,” she says quietly and reaches her hand out for his and because his is already there waiting she knows they both understand everything better.
That this is it. Everything and everyone else was just practice. Stepping stones to get them to this point in ther lives. They understand that they have seen how awful life can get, and dirty towels on the bathroom floor and her strawberry shampoo in his shower isn’t as scary as it used to be.
It’s a welcomed sight and they are both now just realizing it. It is a little late in the game, sure, but the game is still going strong and that is what matters the most.
They unconsciously move towards each other at the same time-- tiny movements that look like nothing but mean everything. She pulls the sheet up over them both with her free hand, the other resting firmly in his. He does not move, does not look at her, but his fingers intertwine perfectly with hers and she closes her eyes, counts her own breaths and listen to the steady stream of his.
And when she finally feels his eyes on her, feels him move closer to her, she slips back into a peaceful slumber for the second time that night and dreams a true dream of the future instead of the past.
Loved that even though Lex feels he needs time to get over being angry at that they both realise that this it for them and that their future is together. A truely excellent story from start to finish. You've done an awesome job.