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View Full Version : My Immortal (PG-13) (Completed) - Part 4, 'Always With You' series



Not An Addict
20th November 2003, 07:46
Title: My Immortal
Author: Not An Addict
Rating: PG-13
Category: Songfic, Angst
Pairing: Chloe/Lex
Spoilers: none
Summary: Part Four of the ‘Always With You’ songfic series. Lex tries to deal with his loss.
Disclaimer: Fine, so I still don’t own anything. Jeez, do you have to keep rubbing it in? That’s just mean.
Author’s Note: Ok, remember how I told you that the last one was pretty heavy on the angst? Well . . . this one is worse. It’s the most angst-filled story I’ve written since ‘The Interview’; in fact, this one might even surpass it. It seemed fitting, as this is one of the most beautifully heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard. So hold on to your seats, and . . . well . . . just trust me.



I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears

The penthouse apartment was dark when Lex walked inside, one hand pulling wearily at his tie. The little light that the setting sun let into the rooms only seemed to accentuate the dimness somehow, as though the darkness grew stronger from those small patches of light. He didn’t bother turning on the lights, however, choosing instead to fall into the pattern he had developed over the last weeks. Aimless footsteps took him around the empty space, moving him around lacquered tables and expensively upholstered furniture without a second glance. It was only after he had visited every other room that he finally made his way to the bedroom.

Nothing in the room had changed in the weeks he had been without Chloe. Her clothes had not moved an inch from where she had hung them in the closet. If he walked into the bathroom, he knew he would find her makeup still strewn over the counter. He knew that the maid would have obeyed his orders, and that the towel Chloe had wrapped herself in after her shower would still be where it had fallen on the tiled floor. Lex found himself often reliving that last day, remembering how Chloe had laughed as he carried her, still dripping, back to their bed. The bed he hadn’t slept in since that first night without her. Her scent still clung to the sheets, and he couldn’t bring himself to replace it with solely his own.

In the logical part of his brain, Lex knew that removing her things wouldn’t make Chloe any more gone than she already was. Every night he came home and told himself that he would change a few things, just a few things, that he would finally start letting go. Everyone told him that he needed to let go, needed to mourn. Clark had come by several times with boxes, trying to get Lex to pack up just a few of her things. At one point he had enlisted Lana, her stomach swollen with the child she and Pete were expecting, to come and help. They had tried once with the pretense of packing up some of her winter things to put in storage—Chloe had never been good about rotating her summer and winter clothes. And each time they came, Lex would see the wisdom of what they were doing. There were times that he had even gone so far as to lead them into the bedroom, intending to let them gather her things. But he could never go through with it.

He knew that it was stupid to resist changing things. He had gone through the same thing when his mother died, had tried to keep everything just the way it was when she was there. Then one day he had come home from boarding school and found that his father had eradicated every sign of her from the house, so that there was not a trace of his mother left in any of the rooms, no matter how hard he searched. But he had never forgotten his mother, despite a lack of her physical presence.

With that thought in mind, Lex rose and walked to the closet. He grabbed one of the boxes that Clark had left on a shelf high in the back and turned to Chloe’s side of the huge walk-in space. One hand reached out to touch the jacket of one of her suits, and he wasn’t surprised to see his fingers trembling slightly as they brushed against the cool raw silk. He saw her in his mind’s eye, twirling in front of him to show off the lines, grinning up at him even as she admonished him about wrinkles when he grabbed her. It was the suit he had bought for her when she had the interview with The Planet; he could still see the look of pleasure on her face as she opened the box. An unsteady breath escaped him and he dropped the sleeve he had picked up, squeezing his eyes closed against the pain.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t strip his life of her, because . . . he took another deep, shaking breath and admitted the truth. Because he couldn’t bring himself to believe that Chloe was dead. Because he was afraid that if he gave in and acted as if she were, then it would make it true.

Lex walked from the closet on unsteady legs, letting the cardboard box slip from his fingers to the floor. When he reached the bed he sank down on it and buried his head in his hands. This was getting ridiculous. He didn’t want to live like this anymore, afraid to move on and unable to mourn. It was time he let go, and the first step would be admitting that Chloe was gone. Really and truly gone. He lifted his head from his hands and gave the room one long look.

“Chloe is dead.” Lex sucked in a breath at the sound of his voice and closed his eyes, but let the words echo through the still air. “Chloe is dead,” he repeated, a little more determinedly.

“Oh, please, even I didn’t believe that.” Lex’s eyes snapped open again at the voice, and his heart stilled in his chest at the sight before him. “Come on, Lex, put some feeling into it,” Chloe admonished, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Chloe?” Her lips curled up in a gentle smile when Lex whispered her name, but within seconds he was shaking his head, his eyes still locked on her where she stood across the room. “No. You’re dead.” Chloe rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh, but her gaze was soft when it returned to him, and it was filled with something that looked suspiciously like pity.

“If you really believed that, then I wouldn’t be here.”

“Lex?” Lex’s head whipped around when the bedroom door opened and Clark walked into the room. Just as quickly he turned back to where Chloe had stood, only to see that the space was empty now. “Lex? Are you ok? Didn’t you hear me knocking?”

“No, I . . .” He shook his head, trying to clear it. “Sorry, Clark. I guess I got caught up in my thoughts.” Clark nodded, and the worry on his face, badly masked under an elaborately casual demeanor, wasn’t lost on Lex.

“So . . . is someone here, Lex? I thought I heard you talking to someone.” Lex looked up at his friend; he had rarely flat-out lied too Clark before, but it would probably be best for the former farm boy if he didn’t think his best friend was losing his mind.

“No, Clark. I was going over a speech for my presentation to Axis tomorrow.” And there was certainly no need for Clark to know that Lex hadn’t even thought about the Axis deal for over a week. He would have to work through the night to prepare his presentation and hope that he wouldn’t lose this contract when it had the potential to make or break him. Apparently Clark bought the excuse, or at the very least decided to let it go, as he simply nodded his head and stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“Y’know, Lex . . . maybe after this presentation tomorrow . . . well, maybe it would be a good idea if you went back to Smallville.” Obviously expecting an argument, Clark rushed on. “I mean, you’d be closer to the plant there, and you’d probably be able to concentrate better. I think it would be a really good move for you.”

Lex glanced from Clark to the spot where Chloe had stood and back again, his face impassive. Finally he nodded his head and stood, clapping Clark on the shoulder as he led him from the room.

“I think that’s a good idea.”


*************************


Nothing had really changed at the manor in Smallville in the years since Lex had left. His father had vacated not long after he had, saying that he preferred to keep a closer eye on his son in Metropolis. And while Lex had been back a handful of times while Chloe had visited home, the old stone castle still held an air of empty solitude that he had never noticed when Chloe was beside him. Now, without her, he felt the cold pressing in on him with every breath he took.

At first he thought it would work, thought that if he could abandon the home they had together then perhaps he could finally gain some closure. But she was everywhere here—every step he heard in the corridors set his pulse racing, every blonde head had him whipping around to follow it. He had ordered that the female staff wear caps to cover their hair after he had grabbed one unfortunate upstairs maid, thinking it was Chloe. His every thought was filled with her, and he was coming to realize that he would never be able to escape her no matter where he went. Of course, she wasn’t making it easy on him.

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

“Do you remember when we made love here on the pool table?” Lex turned, drink in hand, to see her perched on the felt-covered surface, bare feet dangling over the side. She grinned at him and hopped off, throwing a backward glance at the table as she did. “And then the next day you had my dad and me over for dinner and he wanted to play a game. I thought I was going to die.” Lex couldn’t help but grin back at her.

“I remember. It was your own fault, though. If you hadn’t shown up in that flimsy excuse for a dress, I might’ve had a fighting chance at keeping my hands off of you.” She quirked an eyebrow at that statement and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Oh really? Because I distinctly remember a certain bald billionaire jumping me once when I had on my sweats.” Lex shrugged and smirked.

“So I’ve never been much of a fighter.” The smirk faded from his face and he lifted the tumbler of scotch to his lips, letting the harsh liquid burn his throat. “I wish you’d leave.” From the corner of his eye he saw the look of hurt that overtook her face.

“But . . . I don’t want to leave.”

“Damn it, Chloe!”

She flinched away from his voice and the loud crash of glass thrown against the wall. Lex automatically moved to hold her, to comfort her; he stopped after one step, gazing at the hand he still held out to her. Shaking steps took him to the couch where he sank into the creaking leather. He felt her come up beside him, felt her presence as real as if she were actually standing there.

“You’re gone.” He heard the way his voice shook and could do nothing to stop it, didn’t care enough to even try. “You’ve been gone for forty-three days. I keep trying to let go of you, but I can’t. I see you everywhere I go, no matter what I do. And it’s torture because you’re not really here; I want so much to reach out and hold you, but I can’t because you’re not real.”

“Lex . . . I wish I knew what to tell you to take away all this pain. I wish that I could tell you that I’m gone, that I’m at peace.” Lex lifted his head to see the pain in his heart reflected on Chloe’s face. “But I can’t, because that’s not what you believe.”

“It hurts so much not having you with me.” His voice was a whisper now, barely audible. “And the pain isn’t going away. It hurts just as much today as it hurt the first night I spent without you.”

“Lex?” He turned at the sound of Clark’s voice, knowing full well that Chloe would be gone when he looked back. His friend was hovering in the doorway, a look of uncertainty marring his features. Despite himself, Lex felt his lips turn up in a smirk.

“Clark. You’re awfully dressed up for this visit.” The tall young man glanced down at himself, looking sheepish when he realized what he was wearing.

“I just got back from my Ledger internship. Mr. Donaldson insists we always dress appropriately.” Lex shook his head in amusement.

“Clark Kent in a suit. Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get used to that.” He rose and walked to the small bar, his hand wavering between decanter and water bottle before finally deciding on the water. A glance over his shoulder showed Clark still standing in the doorway, hands once again in his pockets. “Can I get you something?”

“No, I’m good.” Lex followed Clark’s eyes to the smashed glass and amber liquid lying against one wall. Rather than answer Clark’s unspoken question, Lex took a long pull from the blue bottle he held.

“So what can I do for you, Clark?

“I just stopped by to see how you were doing.” Lex let out a sigh and turned to face his friend again.

“Look, Clark, I realize you mean well. But I did manage to get by for years without these little checkup visits of yours.” The younger man nodded and let his gaze drift down to the floor.

“You never used to talk to yourself, either.” His eyes lifted in time to see Lex’s jaw tense and his fingers tighten on the bottle he held. “I just think that maybe . . . maybe you should talk to someone. A professional.” A sharp, sardonic bark of laughter escaped from Lex’s throat and earned a shocked look from Clark.

“Like I said, I know you mean well. But I’m not going to talk to a shrink. Now I think it’s time you got going, Clark. I have some work I have to do.”

With that Lex settled himself behind his desk and began to shuffle through paperwork, never looking up until he heard Clark leave the study. Once the door clicked quietly closed he tossed the papers back down on his desk and leaned his head in his hands. Maybe Clark was right. Maybe it was time he talked to someone about this.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

It hurt to think about forgetting her, almost as much as it hurt to remember. It had gotten to the point where the pain was the only thing in his life that felt real anymore. If he were honest with himself he would admit that he was afraid to lose that pain, afraid that he would slip into the bleak, empty darkness that threatened at the edge of his vision.

He knew it would never really happen, though he didn’t know whether to be grateful or terrified by that fact. He would never forget her, true. His heart wouldn’t let him. But he would never really be able to let go of the pain, either. Everything about her, everything he loved would stay with him until he died, no matter what he did. Everyone told him to give it time, that time would ease the sting of loss. But there was simply too much to remember, too many things firmly embedded in his memory that he knew, deep down, that all the time in the world would never be able to touch.

He knew she was in the room again without having to look. He could smell her in the air, feel her warmth even where he sat.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

“I remember the first time I ever saw you cry.” He lifted his head from his hands and regarded the figure seated in the chair in front of him. “You were leaving the Talon after a run-in with Clark and Lana. There you were, tough-as-nails reporter Chloe Sullivan, the girl with no fear, and you were leaving the place with tears running down your face, looking as if your heart had just been broken.” The face before him registered shock, which only grew as he continued to speak. “Even then, all I wanted to do was to gather you up in my arms, hold you until you stopped crying. Even then I couldn’t stand to see you cry.”

“I never knew anyone saw me that day,” she whispered, a faint blush creeping over her features. He smirked slightly even as he let his eyes roam over her, drinking her in.

“That was always the problem. You never thought that anyone saw you.” Stormy blue eyes met hazel ones, refused to let go. “But I always did.” She nodded, a sad smile playing on her lips.

“You always did, Lex.”

He rose and walked to the window, watched the early evening creeping once more over the manor grounds.

“I wonder if I’ll ever forget the little things that keep popping into my mind. If I’ll ever see a spider without automatically thinking, ‘I should kill that before Chloe sees it.’” He glanced over his shoulder at her, shot another smirk at her. “I remember the first time I found out about that particular phobia of yours, too.”

“Hey, a fear of spiders is completely understandable when there are spiders with a bite poisonous enough to kill a man three times my size.” Lex couldn’t help but chuckle at her defensive tone.

“Chloe, the spider couldn’t have been more than a centimeter big, and it was halfway across the room.”

“Even so. Those things can jump, you know.” She glared at him. “And it didn’t exactly help things when you borrowed Pete’s rubber spider to scare me with, either.” Her glare faded to a warm smile. “But you were always there to get rid of the real ones, too. You were always there for me when I really needed you.” Lex smiled sadly and turned back to the window.

“I didn’t always hold your hand because I thought it would help you, Chloe. I held it because I couldn’t let go.”

“I know. But I still love you for it.”

A small alarm on his desk began to sound, a high-pitched beeping that filled the entire room. Lex glanced back at it, not surprised to see the chair in front of his desk sitting empty. His eyes returned to the window; the darkness that had finally fallen outside played with the light from the room, leaving him staring at his own reflection in the glass. As the alarm ended, Lex closed his eyes against the familiar pang that shot through his heart, his whispered voice the only sound in the now-silent room.

“Welcome to day forty-four.”


**************************


“Tell me why you fell in love with me.”

Her voice startled him, and Lex looked up to see her sitting on the whitewashed railing, the late-afternoon sun shining through her hair. He sat on the creaking porch swing in front of her, gently rocking back and forth as he watched her. Her forehead creased in that adorable half-scowl of frustration she always wore when he didn’t answer her questions right away.

“Lex.” His lips tilted up at the slight whine in her voice. Satisfied that he was paying attention, her scowl turned to a grin. “Tell me why you fell in love with me.”

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light

“You were . . . bright.” One slender eyebrow quirked up in disbelief.

“You’re kidding me, right? You’re saying you fell in love with me because I possessed some modicum of intelligence?” Lex chuckled and shook his head.

“Not that kind of bright.” His gaze traveled over her face as he paused, trying to put his feelings into words. “Everything had always been dull before. Dark, muted colors that seemed to sap the life out of everything. And then suddenly there you were; and you had this light that seemed to reach out and touch everything around you. I noticed it the first time I met you, and seeing it became something of a craving. I literally couldn’t get enough of you.”

He stood, moved to stand next to her. His hands braced on the porch railing as he gazed out over the Kent farm, listening to the sounds of the happy family coming from the house behind him.

“Then there was that whole mess with Clark and Lana, and that light you had seemed to go away. I thought I could deal with not having it around, thought I could find it in someone else.” He shook his head, marveling at his own foolishness. “But I never could. So finally I just gave up trying. I was like a junkie, trying to get a fix of you whenever I could. All that time being around you, I started to notice things.” He glanced over at her, saw her watching him in amazement. “I started seeing the different parts of you that made up the glow you had. Your intelligence, your wit, your loyalty. And the more I saw, the more I wanted to see.”

A wistful smile came over his face and he turned to look over the farm again, though he didn’t really see anything he was looking at.

“I’m not sure when I fell in love with you. It was more of a sudden realization—thinking to myself, ‘I’m in love with Chloe,’ and immediately replying with, ‘Of course.’”

But now I’m bound by the life you left behind

“Lex.” Her voice had him turning towards her again, and he saw the sadness etched on her features. “You want so much to let go of me. Why don’t you?” His head shook in automatic denial, pushing away her words even before she had finished.

“I can’t. The life we had together . . . it was the happiest time of my entire existence. You can’t ask me to let go of that.”

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

His eyes pleaded with her, searching her face for understanding.

“You’re everywhere I go. I haven’t had a dream for months that hasn’t had you in it. I dread going to sleep each night because it hurts so much to wake up and find that you’re not there. These times that I have with you, when we can talk . . . I know they’re not real. But they’re all I have.”

He glanced at the house where the Kents’ laughing voices rang out from the kitchen.

“Liz came by the other day.” His eyes returned to her and he tried for a smile. “You seem to have made nothing but friends who insist on checking up on me.” He glanced from her to the house and back again. “I heard her and Clark in the other room. They’ve both heard me talking to you. Apparently they think I’m losing my mind.” He shook his head. “And maybe I am. But if it means keeping you with me . . . I'm not sure I care.”

“But I'm not with you, Lex. You know that.” Her voice was gentle, but the pain still stung him at her words. When he tried to protest, she continued to speak. “You said it yourself—I’m not real. You call me up when you’re feeling moments of doubt, but it’s keeping you from letting yourself really feel; because you’re afraid that if you really let yourself feel, you’ll have to face that I’m gone. If you want to learn the truth, Lex, you have to let go of this version of me.”

“I don't know if I can.”


*************************


“So did you enjoy dinner with the Kents?”

Lex glanced over to see her leaning back on the bed, and tried to ignore the rush of desire he felt at seeing her there.

“It was . . . odd.” He loosened his tie and hung it in the closet. “Jonathan Kent being almost sympathetic . . . I didn't know whether to be grateful or to start checking for meteor rocks.” Her chuckle sounded behind him and Lex had to brace himself against the doorway, closing his eyes as the sound washed through him.

“Lex?” Worry in her voice now, and he shook his head.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

“It's too much.”

Her footsteps neared him; her voice was closer now.

“What are you talking about? What's too much?”

“This. You.” He turned to face her, saw her gazing up at him with a look of mournful understanding. “You're not her.” His hand reached out, stopped inches from her cheek. “And I can't keep pretending that you are.”

“No,” she whispered. “You can't.”

“It's true, I've been holding on to you because . . .” Lex fought back tears, trying his best to compose himself. “Because I don't want to have to face a world without her in it. But every time I remind myself that you're not really here, it hurts just a little bit more. And it's never going to stop hurting unless I face the truth.”

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

“You'll be all right, Lex.” Tears were streaming down her face now, and it tore at Lex's heart not to be able to wipe them away. “You've made it this far on your own, whether you realize it or not.” Lex tried for a smirk, though he was afraid it came out as more of a grimace.

“Sixty-seven days and counting. What's a few more decades, right?”

“You'd be surprised at what you have inside of you.” Her hand reached out to his chest, and when he closed his eyes he swore he could almost feel her touch. “You just have to let yourself feel it.”

This time when he opened his eyes and saw her gone, he knew she wouldn't be coming back.

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I’ve been alone all along

He took a deep breath and faced the empty room. He was alone, and he was beginning to understand that he had always been that way. At last, he could begin to let go.

As he undressed and prepared for bed, Lex tried to convince himself that eventually, some day, he would truly believe that Chloe was gone.



END PART FOUR

autumngold
20th November 2003, 08:18
:crygreen: Ok, I hope your happy! :crygreen: I haven't cried this much in a long time! :crygreen: What a beautifully written piece!! Why does Chloe have to be gone? Please, please make the next story not be in the angst section!! :crygreen: I don't think I want to cry this much again!! :chlexsign1:

star del mar
20th November 2003, 08:26
I've read the other parts already and I hadn't commented but this part was absolutely heart wrenching....really well written but dammit you made me cry! :crygreen: It was amazing though highly depressing, can't help but feel really bad. keep up the good work

§åß®îNå
20th November 2003, 09:36
This piece is magnificent!

You know? this is the first time a fic makes me cry. Excellent work, im speechless.

drina
20th November 2003, 12:49
This is so beautifully written, and it's so heartwrenching too. :crygreen:

I hope against hope, like lex, that chloe will still be alright.

scifichick774
20th November 2003, 15:43
*shakes head* He'll never let her go - nor should he. More soon please.

hfce
20th November 2003, 17:04
:crygreen: :crygreen: :crygreen: :crygreen:




Hope :crygreen:

Susie Q
21st November 2003, 01:52
This is a wonderfully written and really quite beautiful piece and I can't help but feel appreciative, but dammit it just depresses the hell out of me. http://www.angelfire.com/emo2/emoticons0/images/Animated_Pleeaasseee.gif

Author's Note: So hold on to your seats, and . . . well . . . just trust me.
I'm tryin', I'm tryin'...but you're killing me here.

Czech Angel
21st November 2003, 02:55
Damn it. I need MORE tissue now :crygreen: Even though these sequels seem to get sadder and more depressing everytime I can't stop myself fom reading. I love it.

vardaquareien
23rd November 2003, 11:04
OHhhhhh! That was so beautiful, yet so heartwrenchingly, excruciatingly, horribly sad!!!! The way he kept talking to her was just beautiful, yet his final realisation that it just wasn't her....awww I just can't find the words!!! You write angst so unbelievably well!!!

....I still say she's not dead though!!!

happy bunny
24th November 2003, 03:05
:crygreen: :crygreen:

So beautiful and so heart wrechingly depressing. This has got to be one of the best fics I've ever read.

Please keep it coming, even if it's going to still be this angsty, I like having my heart ripped in two, honest.

Clannadlvr
3rd December 2003, 09:57
Once again, I listened to the song as I read, which of course made me cry even HARDER!!

what an amazing saga...bracing myself for part 5 :crygreen:

sara_noele
5th December 2003, 15:07
You got me crying...I love that song...Lex talking to Chloe....Crying the whole time... :crygreen: :crygreen:

txalb
6th November 2005, 21:36
This is just too painful. Lex’s refusal to accept the fact that she is gone and his own personal “ghost.” Wow!

The fact that he is counting the days that she is gone, the fact that the conversations he continues to have with her “ghost” are so realistic, and the fact that the “ghost” was so resistant to leaving are just some of the things that makes this such a great fic. It was really painful to watch him attempt to let go.

Ant then there was that kernel of hope you threw out with mentions of some “truth.” Hmm, I wonder what that could be. I guess I’ll just have to read on and find out for myself.

Thanks.

txalb

Donutte
10th November 2005, 13:30
There you go... You made me cry... Really cry... Sob even... *wipes tears away* And OMG, that song... This story is so like "Chicken Soup for the Soul"... *wipes away more tears*... I've not cried like this in so long... *sigh*

P.S. Off to look for more. OMG, I must be a masochist...

starmoon
11th November 2005, 20:25
i like this part but it makes me sad to think chloe is gone and now lex is all alone.

spaceboi's pixie
29th November 2005, 15:20
great fic , not happy at the monent am very sad you made me cry lol hope lex can let chloe go so he can heal himself and chloe can be in peace tina

Kaimore
17th December 2005, 15:25
Oh my God that was great! So sad. I had the song playing in the backround, it totally added to the mood. I liked the days. 67 days and counting.

malugargula
6th March 2013, 03:54
Even sadder than part 3 But so beautiful

phillydragonldy
28th January 2015, 00:28
Omg in crying so hard. Lex dreaming of her, seeing her. So sad and beautiful.

Ami Rose
4th February 2021, 10:26
Dry throat... trying not to cry