PMD
30th April 2008, 20:43
This is dedicated to one of my human muses and best friends online, David. Thank you for being there for me when I needed to bounce a Chlex or Clana idea. Our chats really did help this appear. Enjoy.
Title: Dedicated To David - "Getting Beyond It"
Author: PMD
e-mail: mary.davidson@sympatico.ca
Rating: PG-13
Category: Friendship, Chlex, Clana, Chloe's POV, AU
Spoilers: Anything is fair game up to season 6, and only Jimmy from season 6.
Summary: Chloe is getting beyond it---but not without a little help and understanding.
Disclaimer: To whomever owns Smallville, its characters, any sayings, and the lyrics to Feels Like Tonight, I'm just borrowing them, will give them back, not making any money with their use, so don't sue me.
Archive: To BT2, Electricchlex, SPP, N.S. Forums, and AM's forum for the time being. If anybody else wants it, all they have to do is ask.
Feedback: Yes I would love feedback.
Author Notes: I dedicate this to my best friend, David. I also dedicate this to Lillian, who's a good friend that I've bounced ideas off of; to Jay for looking over pieces; and to Esther whose manips have inspired me over and over again, along with other authors. Enjoy.
Dedicated To David - "Getting Beyond It" - by PMD
Smallville Hospital - Chloe's Room -
I lie in my bed, my throat feeling much better after getting my tonsils out three days ago---finally I can talk freely. However; my head is aching from listening to Clark and Lana for like an hour or more; and my heart breaking, because of watching those two together.
Why couldn't it be me? I can still picture it---Clark coming to the realization that Lana is a fluff ball and no substance. That she's a pretty face and she can have anybody she wants---I swear she's a meteor freak that way. And that she doesn't want Clark because he's lied to her all those years and nobody lies to Lana. Then he runs to me and we---
Okay, so I'm feeling the pain of losing him, when I never really had him; and I'm thinking this way about her because of it. But it just makes me so mad that I have these feelings I can't get rid of and he doesn't even see it. All he sees is her and only her.
"Unrequited love sucks," I whisper, eyes closed, and a quiet sob following afterwards.
"Yes, it does."
I open my eyes and see Lex standing there, flowers in one hand, a tub of double chocolate fudge ice cream in the other. And a sympathetic look on his face.
"Oh no---you can leave right now if you are going to be this way."
He walks in. "What way?"
"Pitying me is not an option, Luthor."
"Ahhhh," he states, putting the flowers down on the desk beside my bed.
I sigh and look away.
"Peace offering?"
I turn to look at him, the ice cream thrust at me.
"What---no spoon?" I quip.
He holds the tub in one hand and brings out two spoons. "Share?"
I grin. "All right. As long as you can tell me one thing, Lex."
"And that is?"
"How I can get past my feelings for Clark?"
I take the ice cream and spoons and watch as he brings a chair over and sits down. He takes the lid off and tries to get a spoon from me but I won't have it.
"First, tell," I state.
He sighs and then:
"Well, there is no way to get past them thoroughly."
I stare at him and groan. "Please say you are kidding."
"Sorry but no."
"You mean I will never find love because of this thing?"
"Oh, you will eventually but you'll never forget your first love, unrequited or not."
I take a spoon and dig in---giving up the other spoon to him. We both eat for a while, pondering what's been said. Then I stop.
"You too?"
He nods, a sad look in his eyes.
Who would facilitate feelings like this from the man who has his heart encased in steel? But then, I've got the key to the door---maybe I only see it.
"Lex, who---"
"---was it?"
"If you can tell me---but if you can't, I'll understand. It wasn't---"
"---Lana?"
I sigh. "Yeah, I guess that's what I was going to say. It's just that she seems to attract men and I seem to repel them---or just end up being their friends."
He takes the ice cream away and puts it by the flowers. "Not always."
"Yeah, we weren't on good terms for a while, were we?"
"Nope but we got past it."
"True."
"And you do have a boyfriend now."
"Jimmy?"
He nods.
"Do you see him here?"
"He's working?"
"We broke up---he couldn't stand how I was around Clark. And I just couldn't hide the feelings anymore. It was just too hard to do."
"And yet Mr. Kent still can't see it?"
"He's in love but not with me."
He puts out his hand and places it on mine. "Chloe, I guess we all have to face facts at some point. No matter what, we can't always get what we want. I'll never have my father's love---"
"---and I'll never have Clark's," I sigh out, feeling the tears in my eyes.
A couple of tears fall and I swipe them away. He just gives me an understanding look.
"But you'll always have his friendship and Lana's."
"And I refuse to lose that," I state.
There's silence for a few minutes until:
"Lex, you actually knew a girl who didn't love you back?"
"Yes, unbelievable as it seems, I did."
I roll my eyes. "Good to know you haven't lost your ego because of unrequited love."
He chuckles at that and then sighs.
"Lex?"
"Yes, Chloe?"
"We don't have to talk about it. Let's just enjoy the ice cream and then maybe play a game of cards."
"No, I want to talk about it. You opened up to me---it's time I did it for myself."
"Okay---but take your time. I'm not going anymore, buddy."
"Buddy?"
"Pal, friend, comrade in arms to take your father down---the one who understands me well."
Lex does the most unexpected thing now---since him telling me to back off in regards to his father. He gets up and leans over to give me a hug. I smile at this gesture and feel his warmth.
"It's going to be okay, Chloe," I hear him whisper.
"I know---it'll hurt a lot at first, but someday, it'll be semi-okay," I whisper back.
He moves away and gives me a genuine smile. Then:
"Hey, Chloe, Lana forgot---"
Lex turns around to see Clark standing there, a puzzled look on his face.
"Lex?"
"Hello, Clark."
"I didn't know you were going to be here."
"Who died and made you my social secretary, Clark," he quips.
Clark laughs and then looks at me. "You okay, Chloe?"
"Clark, he's not the Luthor we have to worry about---right?"
"Oh, yeah, I know that. Lex is okay---I mean, it looks like you've been crying."
"Yeah, Lex can make the girls cry without killing them---right, Lex?"
"It's a gift."
I snort at that. "Or a curse. Okay, what did Lana leave here, Clark?"
"Ah---let me look."
We watch him glance around the room and then hear him shout, "There it is."
He walks over and picks up her belonging. Then he puts it in his pocket and walks back to us.
"Tell him," Lex says.
"Tell me what?" Clark asks.
"No."
"Tell him," Lex states.
"No!" I say.
"Chloe?" Clark asks me.
I look at Lex who gestures to him. And then I look at Clark.
"Clark---I love you," I finally blurt out.
"I love you too, Chloe."
Silence for a few minutes and then:
"And?" Lex asks, trying to get him to go further.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, guys, but I gotta go. Lana is waiting."
He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. Then he backs away, shakes Lex's hand, and walks out the door.
"See, oblivious to everything but Lana. You know, I won't get over him totally but it's time to move on."
Lex has this look on his face. "What?"
"Ah, Chloe, remember the dance Clark took you too?"
"Yes."
"Well, I said he should make a decision---you or Lana. Maybe he wasn't ready for it and it should have happened later on. He might have picked you instead."
"Maybe---I guess we'll never know. But it doesn't matter now---at least I'm not going to die from a broken heart---"
"Or have that somebody kill someone because of it."
My eyes widen and then go to normal. "Kill someone?"
He sighs and sits down. "Remember when that guy kidnapped me?"
"Which time?"
"Okay---the first year your father went to work for me---Club Zero ring a bell."
"Yes. Oh, when you guys got that body part---okay, what about it?"
"My unrequited love killed her fiancé and then herself, because of me."
I have looked at him before, sorry about something he's done---but he's tortured now and I know that Lionel has something to do with part of it.
"How'd it happen and what part did Lionel have in what happened?" I ask.
"How'd you---oh forget I ask. All bad things come from my father."
He takes a deep breath and I put my hand over his. Then:
"I was in love with a beautiful woman---full of life and vigor---she was so---well, it didn't matter what she was. I found out she was engaged and well, I was at that age and time in my life when what I wanted, I got, no matter what. And it fell into my hands, when I found out her fiancé was cheating on her."
"So, you told her this to make her see him for the rat he was and the hero you were. Or in this case, the not so heroic person you were."
He nods.
"And?"
"I took her to Zero that night---I knew he couldn't resist the girls there. And I was right---we found him with two of them and he tried to kill me. But she killed him instead."
"Oh, Lex, I'm so sorry."
"It's my fault she did it, Chloe. I was so jealous that he had her and yet he fooled around. I wanted her myself---I wanted to show her that I was the love she was looking for all her life. But, even after what happened, I let her down with telling her and let her down by not being there for her."
"Ahhhh---the father enters."
"Yes---I was told to stay away from her. And I did---and she killed herself---and then her brother came after me. Chloe, I loved her but I destroyed her in the process. Don't---"
"---do the same? I won't, Lex. I promise."
He looks at the wall and I can see him replaying what happened. I pat his hand and he looks back.
"Lex, you haven't always been so upstanding---I know that. I've lived through some of it too---I mean I trusted you for a while---then we were enemies---but now, you've changed. You've backed away from what your father wanted. And I'm hoping I'm a small part of that. You know, I will try to Tell Clark how I feel once more and if he doesn't feel the same, I'll move on. But I think I'll need yours and Lana's help. He just can't seem to get it without both of you there."
He smirks at me. "Imagine that---the cupid gets to be the anti-cupid now."
I roll my eyes and then:
"Young man, visiting hours are over."
"All right---I was just leaving. Chloe, I hear you are going home tomorrow. How would you like a ride in a limo---to the Kent Farm?"
I nod my head yes. He leans down and kisses my forehead. Then he backs away.
"I'll see you at 11 then."
I nod.
He turns around and walks to the door and out. The nurse walks in, smiling.
"Nice boyfriend there."
"Oh, he's just my friend---even better than a boyfriend."
"Whatever you say, young lady. Whatever you say."
~
The Kent Farm - The Next Day
I stare at Lex, the car having stopped for a few minutes. I smirk at him.
"Where's the party?"
"What party?"
"Oh don't play dense---Clark does it better."
He smiles at me. "You knew about the surprise party?"
"Lex, I'm empathic---I could feel the excitement jumping off of you."
"So, that's why I haven't been able to hide anything from you the past year or so."
"That and you are transparent as glass to me, Luthor. Remember---we weren't always on talking terms because of it. But you changed---not a cuddly bunny or anything but better than you were before."
"Gee thanks. Driver, we'll be leaving now."
"What---but what about my party?" I pout.
I give him the puppy dog stare that Clark has perfected and he sighs. "All right---but act surprised. Oh and before we go, Lana wants to see us---then Clark---"
"Oh God---she knows."
"She's not as dense as Mr. Clark Kent, I guess."
I groan. "Driver---let's go, shall we."
"Chicken."
"Jerk."
"Chloe---you'll have to face her---might as well be now."
I sigh. "Do I have too?"
He opens the door and gets out. He offers me his hand and I take it, exiting the car.
"Come with me---please."
He nods his head. "Of course---I want to see the fireworks."
I hit him on his arm and he smiles. "Kidding."
I roll my eyes and then we walk towards the barn, to meet with Lana.
~
The Loft
"Lana?" I ask.
I take the final steps and see her over at the loft window.
"Lana?"
She turns around and smiles at me. "Chloe---how are you doing?"
"Okay---if you forgive me."
She walks towards us and Lex states, "I'll leave you two ladies alone, shall I?"
She nods to him and I grasp at his hand. "Stay."
He leans in, whispering, "Courage, Chloe. It's going to be okay. I won't be far."
He backs away and I let go of his hand. "Okay."
He smiles and then goes back down the stairs.
"Lana---do you know?" I ask, after we sit down.
"Yes, I do."
"You know that I've always loved Clark and yet have never said a thing about it?"
"I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. Besides, I figured one day you would come forward and say something."
"I did---and Clark said I love you too---but it sounded like a friend."
"Clark!"
I hear a scrambling of feet on the stairs and I grin. "Beck and call is he?"
She grins. "Yep."
He's there now, Lex following behind. We stand up and walk towards them both.
Clark stands there, staring at us both. "You wanted me?"
"Chloe has something to say to you, Clark."
He looks at me, like a questioning puppy. "Chloe?"
I look at Lex who encourages me again. Then Lana, who does the same. How did I end up with two such good friends? I could be a real handful at times---irritating even.
I sigh and look into his baby blues, still questioning.
"Clark---I love you," I say once more.
"And I love you too," he answers back.
I notice I'm not saying it right---which is why he's answering it the same way. Either that or he really is as dense as a London Fog.
"No---Clark---I am in love with you."
He stands there, stunned for a moment---looking at Lex and Lana, who nod their heads. Then he's back to me.
"Like Pete was in love with you?"
I nod.
"Oh God, Chloe---I'm so---I'm sorry---I mean, I love you but---"
"---you aren't in love with me," I sigh out.
"That's why you were so understanding of Pete's feelings," he states the obvious.
I nod.
"Chloe, I wish I were but it's---"
"---always been Lana. I know that now. That's why I'm going to do the hardest thing I've ever done and back away."
"You're not leaving town are you, Chloe? Because I would miss you and our friendship. But I would understand if you had too---it must be painful seeing me with Lana."
"Could be worse---could be Lois," I quip, using my caustic wit to hide the pain once more.
"Chloe!" they all admonish.
I sigh and walk closer to Clark. "No, I'm not leaving town---but I am leaving the Daily Planet. I've decided to stay right here and get a job on the Ledger. And I might not see you guys for a while but I'll still be here if you need me. I don't want this to ruin our friendship---please, it can't ruin it, right?"
He pulls me into his arms and whispers, "Never."
I back away, seeing tears in his eyes and feeling them in mine. I kiss his cheek and move away, joining Lex. I watch as Lana walks over and into his arms.
I look up at Lex and I know why he went after her---to get Clark coming forward and saving her once more.
He's looking at me now and whispers, "Don't even tell him that---I want him to feel like a hero, saving her from the villain."
"What villain? I don't see one here," I quip.
He chuckles. "I once was lost but now am found."
"Was blind but now I see," I answer back.
"Chloe?"
I look at Clark. "Yes?"
"Still want to come to the party?"
"For a short while---I'm tired so I guess I shouldn't stay long."
"That the only reason?"
"Of course, Clark."
"Okay, well, I guess we better go first and allow you the entrance you deserve."
"Walking in with my lipstick on Lex's mouth---from kissing of course," I quip.
Clark shakes his head. "I will never understand your sense of humor, Chlo."
"And you never will," Lex quips.
The other two just shake their heads and leave us alone at the loft. I walk over to the window, watching them walk across to the house and sigh.
"I did it," I state.
"How do you feel?"
"Sad---in pain---lonely," I answer.
He comes closer and puts his arm around my shoulders. "At least you're alive to feel it---to see them together---even if it'll be painful for a while. I will never see Amanda ever again---to say I'm sorry to her about what happened. And Chloe---you will never be lonely--"
"---as long as you are here."
I look up to his enigmatic smile---something I saw when we took down his father, those years ago. And saw more often in that summer of help and hiding.
"I love you, Lex."
"But are you in love with me?"
"Don't push your luck, Buddy. Maybe in time---but you know, there is that cute guy at the bakery---he's been giving me extra buns."
He pulls away and takes my hand, leading me to the party---laughter in our wake.
~
A Year Later - The Luthor Mansion
This year has been painful and yet enlightening.
Clark and Lana are married now and it was hard at first to watch her go down the aisle towards him. But I couldn't let her down---I'm her best friend and maid of honor. So, as I looked behind them both and saw Lex doing the same, I saw such admiration and respect from him, the pain started to fade and was replaced by something else---him.
I remembered the dance we shared at the wedding. The name of the song---whether it was fast or slow---didn't matter. It was just the fact that I felt safe in his arms---knew he would catch me if I stumbled. Knew that this was where I was supposed to be.
I remembered looking at him, seeing a calm I had never seen before and wondering, does he feel the same.
Is it just friendship that kept us together this past year---him helping me with my issues with Clark---me keeping him company?
All those movie dates at his mansion---the shopping at Metropolis to find the perfect tie for him. Yes, I got him wearing more ties---not sure if it worked because he was tired of my nagging him or if it was something else. He does look good in them though.
How did he feel? I didn't know but I knew one thing---the pain had turned into an ache quicker because of him---or mainly him. No---him---I had fallen in love with another friend---would I be able to get beyond this pain if he didn't feel the same. Cause it would hurt even more.
"Miss?"
I blink away the memories and look at myself in the bath room mirror. James is behind me.
"Are you okay, Miss? Master Lex wondered if you had fallen into the toilet."
I snort. "No---you can tell him the toilet isn't contaminated with reporter cooties."
He chuckles at that. And then there's a warm smile. "You are nervous, Miss."
He just states it straight out. Pretty empathic.
I turn around. "You are pretty astute there, James."
He walks up to me. "Miss, it's going to be okay."
"You know something I don't know, James?"
He just gives me an enigmatic smile. "Are you ready, Miss?"
"Is Lex's bane ready?"
Lex had asked me to host this party to keep at least one brunette away from him. I had complied and now I'm standing in one of his many washrooms, asking James if she's here or not.
"Bane?" he asks me.
"The brunette he's using me to deflect."
"Ahhhh---I don't know, Miss. He has so many of them---not sure which one it is."
I sigh and look down at the ground.
His hand under my chin brings me back to him. "The master would like to talk to you in the study before you head towards the ball room."
"Okay."
I turn back around, to check my appearance. I'm wearing a black dress that shows off my attributes beautifully. I'm also wearing the teardrop necklace he gave me, and almost gave Clark a heart attack. Green but it's not a meteor fragment---its emerald.
Clark got back at him though---the old bucket of water over the door---except not water---molasses. Took forever to scrub it off his scalp.
I smile at that and see the girl I once was---before dealing with meteor freaks; keeping secrets; fighting the bad guys; dealing with somebody who didn't love me back.
I frown.
"Miss, are you okay?"
Once more, I'm thinking about the fact that I'm in love with another friend who might not be in love with me.
I sigh. "I'm okay---just pondering my next story for the Ledger."
I turn around to see his offered arm. I take it and we walk out the door towards Lex's study.
We stop, I back away, and he opens the door.
I gasp and then look at James. "I believe he is in love with you too, Miss Chloe."
I give him a dazzling smile and kiss his cheek. "Thanks, James. You've made my night."
"Now, make his lifetime, Miss."
I nod and walk into the room, the door closed behind me.
I glance around the room, candles lit everywhere. The scent of vanilla, cinnamon, and pine filling the air. Like in a forest at Christmas time.
"It's so---"
"---beautiful," I hear a male voice finish for me.
I watch him walk out of the shadows---and remember the shadows that Clark and I led him out of.
Clark had walked away once upon a time but came back full force. It wasn't his fault---Lex didn't feel like he deserved his friendship anymore, so he pushed him away. But the two guys made up and they were well on their way to being a one/two punch against the evil in this world.
I did leave him behind at one point but something made me want to give him a second chance---or was that a third or fourth one. Yeah, the man can be as irritating as I can be at times.
That something was my ability to be empathic---to understand where he stood and feel what he felt because of it. So, we were friends and I counted on it this past year. And it seems we're taking the next step tonight.
He touches my hand and I blink.
"Where were you?"
"The past."
He takes my hand now and we walk into the center of the room.
"Let’s think about the present and the future to come."
I nod. Then:
"Lex, I love you."
"You love me or are in love with me?"
He's very empathic too, it seems.
"Both."
He smiles. And then turns, taking something out of his pocket. It clicks on the CD player and I hear the strains of a song we danced to at the Kent’s wedding.
He puts it back in and backs away. "Can I have this dance?"
I glance around and look back at him. "I guess so, since you are the only person in this room."
"Clark's right---you have a weird sense of humor, Sullivan."
"Just matches yours, Luthor," I quip before going into his arms and dancing.
"You, you got me
Thinking it'll be alright.
You, you told me,
"Come and take a look inside."
You believed me,
In every single lie.
But I, I failed you this time."
I few years ago, I caught a glimpse that nobody else ever had of Lex Luthor. His solemn wish to have his fathers love and the agony that it would never happen.
He didn't ask me to take a deep look inside, but I took it because I couldn't understand why he stayed around that man---allowed him to poison himself but I understood now, even though others wouldn't---unless they really saw the deep hurt inside his eyes---which he only allowed me to see.
I believed him---that he would protect me---that he would be there for me forever. But after that summer of hiding, he ignored me---and in that single lie, it hurt like hell. But I came to understand, it was for my protection that he did it. But he failed me---because he needed my protection from his father too.
"And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight,
Tonight."
He was broken inside---I saw it in the glances at the Talon---or when I spied him in his car, as I stood on the other side of the road. The times he couldn't hide with a distained look on face.
In the end, he finally got over ignoring me and the hate we felt for a while. And tried to make it up to me---all which leads to this night, with me dancing with him.
"I was waiting
For the day you'd come around.
I was chasing,
And nothing was all I found.
From the moment you came into my life,
You showed me what's right."
Yes, he waited for me to get beyond my anger and mistrust---maybe finally getting his father out of our lives was what turned it around. Maybe he and Clark becoming best buds helped it---or Lana forgiving him for hurting all of us. Whatever reason, I did come around and stayed around this time.
He kept chasing for something and he didn't know it but it wasn't power but powerful friends to help him find himself again. To get off the dark path and back to the light. And the moment we all came back into his life, we showed him what was right. But maybe it was born from a seed sown all those years ago---that took a while to blossom for him.
"And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight."
He's still broken inside but he's starting to mend---or he wouldn't have had the courage to take this next step with me now.
He's still trying to make it up to me and so many others---in regards to pushing us away or allowing his darkness to hurt us all. But he's made it up to Clark and Lana and now he's doing it for me too.
"I never felt like this before.
Just when I leave, I'm back for more.
Nothing else here seems to matter.
In these ever-changing days,
You're the one thing that remains.
I could stay like this forever."
He's never felt like this before, even with Helen---neither have I. The years of going back and forth---not leaving the other alone---coming back for more---be it good or bad times between us. Nothing else seemed to matter but being within each other's sights.
In those changing days of like, hate, admiration, etc---I was the one thing that seemed to remain in his life. And even though there were hard times---I think I would have stayed forever, no matter how he felt; or I felt.
"And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I want to do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight. (feels like tonight)
Tonight. (feels like tonight)
'Cause there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you.
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight."
As the song finished, he backs away, turning off the CD.
"I asked for that song that night."
"I thought the bride got to pick?"
"That's the first dance---this was the second, Sullivan."
"I thought that was the groom’s choice?"
"Clark?"
"Oh, okay. Yeah it would take him forever to choose a song from his large collection of music."
He laughs and I join him. Then it gets serious.
"Lex, why did you pick this song?"
"Because I wanted to say I was sorry for all the times I hurt you, intentionally or not. Because I wanted a chance with you, even though I still feel I don't deserve it, for all I've done in the past."
I shake my head. "Men---think they don't deserve love. And I thought some women were insecure."
"Chloe, I'm serious."
"I know---I am too. I'm scared, Lex."
"Of me?"
"No---of screwing up."
He smiles at me---that Lex smile that says it's going to be okay; even if I screw up, he'll still love me.
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For not judging me my trespasses; for not thinking I'm too irritating; for letting me take my time in this relationship---just for loving me, no matter what."
"Well, I'm far from perfect. I might not be evil but I can do some nasty things to get a company."
"I've heard most business men are cutthroat---a prerequisite sometimes for saving a company---or taking a bad business man down."
"True but let's not talk business tonight. Let's learn how it feels to get beyond it and find true love; a love we never expected to find."
"And yet never leaving that first love behind, no matter if it was unrequited or not. For through it, we've learned how hard it can hurt and now to find out love can heal that hurt too."
"Yes lets," he states, as he leans down to give me a kiss, our first real kiss---gentle, demanding, soft and sweet.
Yes, tonight is truly about getting beyond it into something wonderful and new. And very much lasting.
The End.
Title: Dedicated To David - "Getting Beyond It"
Author: PMD
e-mail: mary.davidson@sympatico.ca
Rating: PG-13
Category: Friendship, Chlex, Clana, Chloe's POV, AU
Spoilers: Anything is fair game up to season 6, and only Jimmy from season 6.
Summary: Chloe is getting beyond it---but not without a little help and understanding.
Disclaimer: To whomever owns Smallville, its characters, any sayings, and the lyrics to Feels Like Tonight, I'm just borrowing them, will give them back, not making any money with their use, so don't sue me.
Archive: To BT2, Electricchlex, SPP, N.S. Forums, and AM's forum for the time being. If anybody else wants it, all they have to do is ask.
Feedback: Yes I would love feedback.
Author Notes: I dedicate this to my best friend, David. I also dedicate this to Lillian, who's a good friend that I've bounced ideas off of; to Jay for looking over pieces; and to Esther whose manips have inspired me over and over again, along with other authors. Enjoy.
Dedicated To David - "Getting Beyond It" - by PMD
Smallville Hospital - Chloe's Room -
I lie in my bed, my throat feeling much better after getting my tonsils out three days ago---finally I can talk freely. However; my head is aching from listening to Clark and Lana for like an hour or more; and my heart breaking, because of watching those two together.
Why couldn't it be me? I can still picture it---Clark coming to the realization that Lana is a fluff ball and no substance. That she's a pretty face and she can have anybody she wants---I swear she's a meteor freak that way. And that she doesn't want Clark because he's lied to her all those years and nobody lies to Lana. Then he runs to me and we---
Okay, so I'm feeling the pain of losing him, when I never really had him; and I'm thinking this way about her because of it. But it just makes me so mad that I have these feelings I can't get rid of and he doesn't even see it. All he sees is her and only her.
"Unrequited love sucks," I whisper, eyes closed, and a quiet sob following afterwards.
"Yes, it does."
I open my eyes and see Lex standing there, flowers in one hand, a tub of double chocolate fudge ice cream in the other. And a sympathetic look on his face.
"Oh no---you can leave right now if you are going to be this way."
He walks in. "What way?"
"Pitying me is not an option, Luthor."
"Ahhhh," he states, putting the flowers down on the desk beside my bed.
I sigh and look away.
"Peace offering?"
I turn to look at him, the ice cream thrust at me.
"What---no spoon?" I quip.
He holds the tub in one hand and brings out two spoons. "Share?"
I grin. "All right. As long as you can tell me one thing, Lex."
"And that is?"
"How I can get past my feelings for Clark?"
I take the ice cream and spoons and watch as he brings a chair over and sits down. He takes the lid off and tries to get a spoon from me but I won't have it.
"First, tell," I state.
He sighs and then:
"Well, there is no way to get past them thoroughly."
I stare at him and groan. "Please say you are kidding."
"Sorry but no."
"You mean I will never find love because of this thing?"
"Oh, you will eventually but you'll never forget your first love, unrequited or not."
I take a spoon and dig in---giving up the other spoon to him. We both eat for a while, pondering what's been said. Then I stop.
"You too?"
He nods, a sad look in his eyes.
Who would facilitate feelings like this from the man who has his heart encased in steel? But then, I've got the key to the door---maybe I only see it.
"Lex, who---"
"---was it?"
"If you can tell me---but if you can't, I'll understand. It wasn't---"
"---Lana?"
I sigh. "Yeah, I guess that's what I was going to say. It's just that she seems to attract men and I seem to repel them---or just end up being their friends."
He takes the ice cream away and puts it by the flowers. "Not always."
"Yeah, we weren't on good terms for a while, were we?"
"Nope but we got past it."
"True."
"And you do have a boyfriend now."
"Jimmy?"
He nods.
"Do you see him here?"
"He's working?"
"We broke up---he couldn't stand how I was around Clark. And I just couldn't hide the feelings anymore. It was just too hard to do."
"And yet Mr. Kent still can't see it?"
"He's in love but not with me."
He puts out his hand and places it on mine. "Chloe, I guess we all have to face facts at some point. No matter what, we can't always get what we want. I'll never have my father's love---"
"---and I'll never have Clark's," I sigh out, feeling the tears in my eyes.
A couple of tears fall and I swipe them away. He just gives me an understanding look.
"But you'll always have his friendship and Lana's."
"And I refuse to lose that," I state.
There's silence for a few minutes until:
"Lex, you actually knew a girl who didn't love you back?"
"Yes, unbelievable as it seems, I did."
I roll my eyes. "Good to know you haven't lost your ego because of unrequited love."
He chuckles at that and then sighs.
"Lex?"
"Yes, Chloe?"
"We don't have to talk about it. Let's just enjoy the ice cream and then maybe play a game of cards."
"No, I want to talk about it. You opened up to me---it's time I did it for myself."
"Okay---but take your time. I'm not going anymore, buddy."
"Buddy?"
"Pal, friend, comrade in arms to take your father down---the one who understands me well."
Lex does the most unexpected thing now---since him telling me to back off in regards to his father. He gets up and leans over to give me a hug. I smile at this gesture and feel his warmth.
"It's going to be okay, Chloe," I hear him whisper.
"I know---it'll hurt a lot at first, but someday, it'll be semi-okay," I whisper back.
He moves away and gives me a genuine smile. Then:
"Hey, Chloe, Lana forgot---"
Lex turns around to see Clark standing there, a puzzled look on his face.
"Lex?"
"Hello, Clark."
"I didn't know you were going to be here."
"Who died and made you my social secretary, Clark," he quips.
Clark laughs and then looks at me. "You okay, Chloe?"
"Clark, he's not the Luthor we have to worry about---right?"
"Oh, yeah, I know that. Lex is okay---I mean, it looks like you've been crying."
"Yeah, Lex can make the girls cry without killing them---right, Lex?"
"It's a gift."
I snort at that. "Or a curse. Okay, what did Lana leave here, Clark?"
"Ah---let me look."
We watch him glance around the room and then hear him shout, "There it is."
He walks over and picks up her belonging. Then he puts it in his pocket and walks back to us.
"Tell him," Lex says.
"Tell me what?" Clark asks.
"No."
"Tell him," Lex states.
"No!" I say.
"Chloe?" Clark asks me.
I look at Lex who gestures to him. And then I look at Clark.
"Clark---I love you," I finally blurt out.
"I love you too, Chloe."
Silence for a few minutes and then:
"And?" Lex asks, trying to get him to go further.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, guys, but I gotta go. Lana is waiting."
He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. Then he backs away, shakes Lex's hand, and walks out the door.
"See, oblivious to everything but Lana. You know, I won't get over him totally but it's time to move on."
Lex has this look on his face. "What?"
"Ah, Chloe, remember the dance Clark took you too?"
"Yes."
"Well, I said he should make a decision---you or Lana. Maybe he wasn't ready for it and it should have happened later on. He might have picked you instead."
"Maybe---I guess we'll never know. But it doesn't matter now---at least I'm not going to die from a broken heart---"
"Or have that somebody kill someone because of it."
My eyes widen and then go to normal. "Kill someone?"
He sighs and sits down. "Remember when that guy kidnapped me?"
"Which time?"
"Okay---the first year your father went to work for me---Club Zero ring a bell."
"Yes. Oh, when you guys got that body part---okay, what about it?"
"My unrequited love killed her fiancé and then herself, because of me."
I have looked at him before, sorry about something he's done---but he's tortured now and I know that Lionel has something to do with part of it.
"How'd it happen and what part did Lionel have in what happened?" I ask.
"How'd you---oh forget I ask. All bad things come from my father."
He takes a deep breath and I put my hand over his. Then:
"I was in love with a beautiful woman---full of life and vigor---she was so---well, it didn't matter what she was. I found out she was engaged and well, I was at that age and time in my life when what I wanted, I got, no matter what. And it fell into my hands, when I found out her fiancé was cheating on her."
"So, you told her this to make her see him for the rat he was and the hero you were. Or in this case, the not so heroic person you were."
He nods.
"And?"
"I took her to Zero that night---I knew he couldn't resist the girls there. And I was right---we found him with two of them and he tried to kill me. But she killed him instead."
"Oh, Lex, I'm so sorry."
"It's my fault she did it, Chloe. I was so jealous that he had her and yet he fooled around. I wanted her myself---I wanted to show her that I was the love she was looking for all her life. But, even after what happened, I let her down with telling her and let her down by not being there for her."
"Ahhhh---the father enters."
"Yes---I was told to stay away from her. And I did---and she killed herself---and then her brother came after me. Chloe, I loved her but I destroyed her in the process. Don't---"
"---do the same? I won't, Lex. I promise."
He looks at the wall and I can see him replaying what happened. I pat his hand and he looks back.
"Lex, you haven't always been so upstanding---I know that. I've lived through some of it too---I mean I trusted you for a while---then we were enemies---but now, you've changed. You've backed away from what your father wanted. And I'm hoping I'm a small part of that. You know, I will try to Tell Clark how I feel once more and if he doesn't feel the same, I'll move on. But I think I'll need yours and Lana's help. He just can't seem to get it without both of you there."
He smirks at me. "Imagine that---the cupid gets to be the anti-cupid now."
I roll my eyes and then:
"Young man, visiting hours are over."
"All right---I was just leaving. Chloe, I hear you are going home tomorrow. How would you like a ride in a limo---to the Kent Farm?"
I nod my head yes. He leans down and kisses my forehead. Then he backs away.
"I'll see you at 11 then."
I nod.
He turns around and walks to the door and out. The nurse walks in, smiling.
"Nice boyfriend there."
"Oh, he's just my friend---even better than a boyfriend."
"Whatever you say, young lady. Whatever you say."
~
The Kent Farm - The Next Day
I stare at Lex, the car having stopped for a few minutes. I smirk at him.
"Where's the party?"
"What party?"
"Oh don't play dense---Clark does it better."
He smiles at me. "You knew about the surprise party?"
"Lex, I'm empathic---I could feel the excitement jumping off of you."
"So, that's why I haven't been able to hide anything from you the past year or so."
"That and you are transparent as glass to me, Luthor. Remember---we weren't always on talking terms because of it. But you changed---not a cuddly bunny or anything but better than you were before."
"Gee thanks. Driver, we'll be leaving now."
"What---but what about my party?" I pout.
I give him the puppy dog stare that Clark has perfected and he sighs. "All right---but act surprised. Oh and before we go, Lana wants to see us---then Clark---"
"Oh God---she knows."
"She's not as dense as Mr. Clark Kent, I guess."
I groan. "Driver---let's go, shall we."
"Chicken."
"Jerk."
"Chloe---you'll have to face her---might as well be now."
I sigh. "Do I have too?"
He opens the door and gets out. He offers me his hand and I take it, exiting the car.
"Come with me---please."
He nods his head. "Of course---I want to see the fireworks."
I hit him on his arm and he smiles. "Kidding."
I roll my eyes and then we walk towards the barn, to meet with Lana.
~
The Loft
"Lana?" I ask.
I take the final steps and see her over at the loft window.
"Lana?"
She turns around and smiles at me. "Chloe---how are you doing?"
"Okay---if you forgive me."
She walks towards us and Lex states, "I'll leave you two ladies alone, shall I?"
She nods to him and I grasp at his hand. "Stay."
He leans in, whispering, "Courage, Chloe. It's going to be okay. I won't be far."
He backs away and I let go of his hand. "Okay."
He smiles and then goes back down the stairs.
"Lana---do you know?" I ask, after we sit down.
"Yes, I do."
"You know that I've always loved Clark and yet have never said a thing about it?"
"I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. Besides, I figured one day you would come forward and say something."
"I did---and Clark said I love you too---but it sounded like a friend."
"Clark!"
I hear a scrambling of feet on the stairs and I grin. "Beck and call is he?"
She grins. "Yep."
He's there now, Lex following behind. We stand up and walk towards them both.
Clark stands there, staring at us both. "You wanted me?"
"Chloe has something to say to you, Clark."
He looks at me, like a questioning puppy. "Chloe?"
I look at Lex who encourages me again. Then Lana, who does the same. How did I end up with two such good friends? I could be a real handful at times---irritating even.
I sigh and look into his baby blues, still questioning.
"Clark---I love you," I say once more.
"And I love you too," he answers back.
I notice I'm not saying it right---which is why he's answering it the same way. Either that or he really is as dense as a London Fog.
"No---Clark---I am in love with you."
He stands there, stunned for a moment---looking at Lex and Lana, who nod their heads. Then he's back to me.
"Like Pete was in love with you?"
I nod.
"Oh God, Chloe---I'm so---I'm sorry---I mean, I love you but---"
"---you aren't in love with me," I sigh out.
"That's why you were so understanding of Pete's feelings," he states the obvious.
I nod.
"Chloe, I wish I were but it's---"
"---always been Lana. I know that now. That's why I'm going to do the hardest thing I've ever done and back away."
"You're not leaving town are you, Chloe? Because I would miss you and our friendship. But I would understand if you had too---it must be painful seeing me with Lana."
"Could be worse---could be Lois," I quip, using my caustic wit to hide the pain once more.
"Chloe!" they all admonish.
I sigh and walk closer to Clark. "No, I'm not leaving town---but I am leaving the Daily Planet. I've decided to stay right here and get a job on the Ledger. And I might not see you guys for a while but I'll still be here if you need me. I don't want this to ruin our friendship---please, it can't ruin it, right?"
He pulls me into his arms and whispers, "Never."
I back away, seeing tears in his eyes and feeling them in mine. I kiss his cheek and move away, joining Lex. I watch as Lana walks over and into his arms.
I look up at Lex and I know why he went after her---to get Clark coming forward and saving her once more.
He's looking at me now and whispers, "Don't even tell him that---I want him to feel like a hero, saving her from the villain."
"What villain? I don't see one here," I quip.
He chuckles. "I once was lost but now am found."
"Was blind but now I see," I answer back.
"Chloe?"
I look at Clark. "Yes?"
"Still want to come to the party?"
"For a short while---I'm tired so I guess I shouldn't stay long."
"That the only reason?"
"Of course, Clark."
"Okay, well, I guess we better go first and allow you the entrance you deserve."
"Walking in with my lipstick on Lex's mouth---from kissing of course," I quip.
Clark shakes his head. "I will never understand your sense of humor, Chlo."
"And you never will," Lex quips.
The other two just shake their heads and leave us alone at the loft. I walk over to the window, watching them walk across to the house and sigh.
"I did it," I state.
"How do you feel?"
"Sad---in pain---lonely," I answer.
He comes closer and puts his arm around my shoulders. "At least you're alive to feel it---to see them together---even if it'll be painful for a while. I will never see Amanda ever again---to say I'm sorry to her about what happened. And Chloe---you will never be lonely--"
"---as long as you are here."
I look up to his enigmatic smile---something I saw when we took down his father, those years ago. And saw more often in that summer of help and hiding.
"I love you, Lex."
"But are you in love with me?"
"Don't push your luck, Buddy. Maybe in time---but you know, there is that cute guy at the bakery---he's been giving me extra buns."
He pulls away and takes my hand, leading me to the party---laughter in our wake.
~
A Year Later - The Luthor Mansion
This year has been painful and yet enlightening.
Clark and Lana are married now and it was hard at first to watch her go down the aisle towards him. But I couldn't let her down---I'm her best friend and maid of honor. So, as I looked behind them both and saw Lex doing the same, I saw such admiration and respect from him, the pain started to fade and was replaced by something else---him.
I remembered the dance we shared at the wedding. The name of the song---whether it was fast or slow---didn't matter. It was just the fact that I felt safe in his arms---knew he would catch me if I stumbled. Knew that this was where I was supposed to be.
I remembered looking at him, seeing a calm I had never seen before and wondering, does he feel the same.
Is it just friendship that kept us together this past year---him helping me with my issues with Clark---me keeping him company?
All those movie dates at his mansion---the shopping at Metropolis to find the perfect tie for him. Yes, I got him wearing more ties---not sure if it worked because he was tired of my nagging him or if it was something else. He does look good in them though.
How did he feel? I didn't know but I knew one thing---the pain had turned into an ache quicker because of him---or mainly him. No---him---I had fallen in love with another friend---would I be able to get beyond this pain if he didn't feel the same. Cause it would hurt even more.
"Miss?"
I blink away the memories and look at myself in the bath room mirror. James is behind me.
"Are you okay, Miss? Master Lex wondered if you had fallen into the toilet."
I snort. "No---you can tell him the toilet isn't contaminated with reporter cooties."
He chuckles at that. And then there's a warm smile. "You are nervous, Miss."
He just states it straight out. Pretty empathic.
I turn around. "You are pretty astute there, James."
He walks up to me. "Miss, it's going to be okay."
"You know something I don't know, James?"
He just gives me an enigmatic smile. "Are you ready, Miss?"
"Is Lex's bane ready?"
Lex had asked me to host this party to keep at least one brunette away from him. I had complied and now I'm standing in one of his many washrooms, asking James if she's here or not.
"Bane?" he asks me.
"The brunette he's using me to deflect."
"Ahhhh---I don't know, Miss. He has so many of them---not sure which one it is."
I sigh and look down at the ground.
His hand under my chin brings me back to him. "The master would like to talk to you in the study before you head towards the ball room."
"Okay."
I turn back around, to check my appearance. I'm wearing a black dress that shows off my attributes beautifully. I'm also wearing the teardrop necklace he gave me, and almost gave Clark a heart attack. Green but it's not a meteor fragment---its emerald.
Clark got back at him though---the old bucket of water over the door---except not water---molasses. Took forever to scrub it off his scalp.
I smile at that and see the girl I once was---before dealing with meteor freaks; keeping secrets; fighting the bad guys; dealing with somebody who didn't love me back.
I frown.
"Miss, are you okay?"
Once more, I'm thinking about the fact that I'm in love with another friend who might not be in love with me.
I sigh. "I'm okay---just pondering my next story for the Ledger."
I turn around to see his offered arm. I take it and we walk out the door towards Lex's study.
We stop, I back away, and he opens the door.
I gasp and then look at James. "I believe he is in love with you too, Miss Chloe."
I give him a dazzling smile and kiss his cheek. "Thanks, James. You've made my night."
"Now, make his lifetime, Miss."
I nod and walk into the room, the door closed behind me.
I glance around the room, candles lit everywhere. The scent of vanilla, cinnamon, and pine filling the air. Like in a forest at Christmas time.
"It's so---"
"---beautiful," I hear a male voice finish for me.
I watch him walk out of the shadows---and remember the shadows that Clark and I led him out of.
Clark had walked away once upon a time but came back full force. It wasn't his fault---Lex didn't feel like he deserved his friendship anymore, so he pushed him away. But the two guys made up and they were well on their way to being a one/two punch against the evil in this world.
I did leave him behind at one point but something made me want to give him a second chance---or was that a third or fourth one. Yeah, the man can be as irritating as I can be at times.
That something was my ability to be empathic---to understand where he stood and feel what he felt because of it. So, we were friends and I counted on it this past year. And it seems we're taking the next step tonight.
He touches my hand and I blink.
"Where were you?"
"The past."
He takes my hand now and we walk into the center of the room.
"Let’s think about the present and the future to come."
I nod. Then:
"Lex, I love you."
"You love me or are in love with me?"
He's very empathic too, it seems.
"Both."
He smiles. And then turns, taking something out of his pocket. It clicks on the CD player and I hear the strains of a song we danced to at the Kent’s wedding.
He puts it back in and backs away. "Can I have this dance?"
I glance around and look back at him. "I guess so, since you are the only person in this room."
"Clark's right---you have a weird sense of humor, Sullivan."
"Just matches yours, Luthor," I quip before going into his arms and dancing.
"You, you got me
Thinking it'll be alright.
You, you told me,
"Come and take a look inside."
You believed me,
In every single lie.
But I, I failed you this time."
I few years ago, I caught a glimpse that nobody else ever had of Lex Luthor. His solemn wish to have his fathers love and the agony that it would never happen.
He didn't ask me to take a deep look inside, but I took it because I couldn't understand why he stayed around that man---allowed him to poison himself but I understood now, even though others wouldn't---unless they really saw the deep hurt inside his eyes---which he only allowed me to see.
I believed him---that he would protect me---that he would be there for me forever. But after that summer of hiding, he ignored me---and in that single lie, it hurt like hell. But I came to understand, it was for my protection that he did it. But he failed me---because he needed my protection from his father too.
"And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight,
Tonight."
He was broken inside---I saw it in the glances at the Talon---or when I spied him in his car, as I stood on the other side of the road. The times he couldn't hide with a distained look on face.
In the end, he finally got over ignoring me and the hate we felt for a while. And tried to make it up to me---all which leads to this night, with me dancing with him.
"I was waiting
For the day you'd come around.
I was chasing,
And nothing was all I found.
From the moment you came into my life,
You showed me what's right."
Yes, he waited for me to get beyond my anger and mistrust---maybe finally getting his father out of our lives was what turned it around. Maybe he and Clark becoming best buds helped it---or Lana forgiving him for hurting all of us. Whatever reason, I did come around and stayed around this time.
He kept chasing for something and he didn't know it but it wasn't power but powerful friends to help him find himself again. To get off the dark path and back to the light. And the moment we all came back into his life, we showed him what was right. But maybe it was born from a seed sown all those years ago---that took a while to blossom for him.
"And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight."
He's still broken inside but he's starting to mend---or he wouldn't have had the courage to take this next step with me now.
He's still trying to make it up to me and so many others---in regards to pushing us away or allowing his darkness to hurt us all. But he's made it up to Clark and Lana and now he's doing it for me too.
"I never felt like this before.
Just when I leave, I'm back for more.
Nothing else here seems to matter.
In these ever-changing days,
You're the one thing that remains.
I could stay like this forever."
He's never felt like this before, even with Helen---neither have I. The years of going back and forth---not leaving the other alone---coming back for more---be it good or bad times between us. Nothing else seemed to matter but being within each other's sights.
In those changing days of like, hate, admiration, etc---I was the one thing that seemed to remain in his life. And even though there were hard times---I think I would have stayed forever, no matter how he felt; or I felt.
"And it feels like tonight.
I can't believe I'm broken inside.
Can't you see that there's nothing that I want to do,
But try to make it up to you?
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight. (feels like tonight)
Tonight. (feels like tonight)
'Cause there's nothing that I wanna do,
But try to make it up to you.
And it feels like tonight.
Tonight."
As the song finished, he backs away, turning off the CD.
"I asked for that song that night."
"I thought the bride got to pick?"
"That's the first dance---this was the second, Sullivan."
"I thought that was the groom’s choice?"
"Clark?"
"Oh, okay. Yeah it would take him forever to choose a song from his large collection of music."
He laughs and I join him. Then it gets serious.
"Lex, why did you pick this song?"
"Because I wanted to say I was sorry for all the times I hurt you, intentionally or not. Because I wanted a chance with you, even though I still feel I don't deserve it, for all I've done in the past."
I shake my head. "Men---think they don't deserve love. And I thought some women were insecure."
"Chloe, I'm serious."
"I know---I am too. I'm scared, Lex."
"Of me?"
"No---of screwing up."
He smiles at me---that Lex smile that says it's going to be okay; even if I screw up, he'll still love me.
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For not judging me my trespasses; for not thinking I'm too irritating; for letting me take my time in this relationship---just for loving me, no matter what."
"Well, I'm far from perfect. I might not be evil but I can do some nasty things to get a company."
"I've heard most business men are cutthroat---a prerequisite sometimes for saving a company---or taking a bad business man down."
"True but let's not talk business tonight. Let's learn how it feels to get beyond it and find true love; a love we never expected to find."
"And yet never leaving that first love behind, no matter if it was unrequited or not. For through it, we've learned how hard it can hurt and now to find out love can heal that hurt too."
"Yes lets," he states, as he leans down to give me a kiss, our first real kiss---gentle, demanding, soft and sweet.
Yes, tonight is truly about getting beyond it into something wonderful and new. And very much lasting.
The End.