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westwingwolf
12th September 2007, 07:02
Title: WikiBumped
Author: westwingwolf
Rating: R for Dark Humor
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even my sanity.
Summary: Chloe and Lex get revenge for something that was submitted to Chlexipedia.
AN: Thanks again to nonky for letting me play with the Littlefoots. If you haven't done so, please read WikiBattle, WikiBaby, and WikiBigotry to understand where this Chlex is at. Also read nonky's Bald Buddies for a much better version of this Chlex.



The Luthor and Littlefoot families had experienced much happiness over the year. Chloe had a relatively calm pregnancy and birthing experience. Certainly there had been yelling and the promise to damage some essential anatomy of Lex. She wasn’t Katie Holmes.

But other than that, the only real problem came in preparation for the birth when the hospital refused to allow Stu, Nosy and the kids into the room. Lex had a fit and proclaimed that he would buy the hospital in order to change the rules. He stopped when Chloe explained that the doctors weren’t being prejudice to guinea pigs, it just wasn’t healthy. The doctor even had to promise to buy a skinny pig for her niece in order to get Lex to concede to the logical explanation.

After that, his suggestion of a home birth was immediately shot down by Chloe who wanted real doctors and drugs.

Of course there was also the problem of their daughter’s new name. Lex had insisted on christening her Cavia Wikitoria Luthor in honor of their loveable pets who couldn’t be present for the birth and the free encyclopedia that brought them together.

Chloe only agreed because Lex was being sentimental and she didn’t want to push him to the point where he would sue for divorce and get sole custody of the pigs. He’d never take her child away from her, but the piggies were a different story all together.

Plus, she had convinced him to use the nickname Tory to prevent teasing when it came time for her to enter school. Of course, the idea of their precious daughter leaving home and going to school had forced Lex into such a state of despair that Chloe had to remind him the girl was just a few hours old.

During the months of Chloe’s pregnancy, Nosy had given birth to two more litters. Lex refused to give any of the babies away, even when Chloe promised that he could do background checks on perspective owners. He cited that a family needed to stay together and the babies needed both of their parents.

Lex had gotten very lucky due to that statement, but Stu was forced to live in a separate cage to give Nosy a much needed rest. At least this time, he had Ben and some of his other male pups to keep him company.

Lex chose to work from home so he could be near his family and only went into the office or made business trips when absolutely necessary. He did own the company, so he could make the rules. Besides, the only reason he was a workaholic before was because he didn’t have a family and now he did. He loved not having to wait for the end of the day before he could see Chloe. He wouldn’t miss one moment of Tory’s development. He made sure that Stu’s chess and poker skills were still up to snuff. And he never felt guilty when he’d stop work for the day to see what was new on Chlexipedia.

For the most part, the site was still the same. Except that he had set up a filter for keywords on subjects that could not be created, edited or deleted without his approval. Among these were his, Chloe’s, Tory’s, Stu’s, Nosy’s, Ben’s, Mandy’s, the newest members of the Littlefoots’ names and guinea pigs and skinny pigs in general.

Upon checking the updates, he found that a submission for the skinny pig page had been made. Which read as such:

These things are the ugliest things I’ve ever seen. Who would want a pet that does not have long beautiful hair like mine? And it bit me! It must be evil if it wants to bite me. I bet they are all meteor freaks and from Smallville which is why they tried to kill me. I know baldness is an effect of the meteors that killed my parents. We need to get rid of all these evil things that do harm to me and remind me of that terrible time in my life. Except for my meteor rock necklace, I can keep that because I’ve suffered so much.

Even if Lex hadn’t installed the illegal tracking devices for web servers or if she hadn’t chosen such an uncreative screenname as LanaLang, Lex still would have known who the poster was. He went in search of his wife to explain the situation and plot their revenge.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Are you sure this will work?” Lex asked for what Chloe was certain for the twentieth time that hour.

“Lex, I know you like to think you are an evil genius, but I know what will push Lana over the edge. Now just relax, keep to the plan, and Lana will suffer for what she said about Stu. I promise.” Chloe gave him a kiss and pushed him towards the sound proof room where the piggies were currently hiding. She didn’t want to let Lana in her home but sacrifices had to be made and for this to work Lana couldn’t know about their choice of pets.

She quickly checked to make sure everything was in place. She may have gone overboard with the candles, but it added to the atmosphere. The board was centered on the table. “Lex! Let’s check to make sure the remote for the oracle works!”

Back in the hidden room, her partner in crime looked at his monitor and toggled the remote to spell out “Chloe is a sex goddess” on the Ouija board.

“Thank you but you don’t have to try so hard. We’re both going to get victory sex when this works. Now check the sound system and the smoke machine.”

When everything was in working order, they checked to make sure that Tory was still sleeping soundly. Soon after, they heard a knock at the door and Lex left to hide back in the secret room.

Chloe had barely opened the door when Lana rushed through without saying hello. “Okay, let’s get started. I can’t wait to talk to my parents again.”
It hadn’t taken much effort to manipulate Lana into the idea of a séance. Just one lunch and by the end, Lana had believed it was her idea. Of course, she prided herself on being so smart and open to new ideas.

Chloe was happy that she didn’t have to make inane small talk and they could start right away, but she was pissed that Lana hadn’t even thought to ask about Tory. However, this was for the best. Tory deserved to live in a world where she never had to experience the poison of Lana’s presence.

“Sit down and we can start to commune with the other realm.” She led Lana to the table, then lit the candles and turned off the lights.

“Take my hands, close your eyes, and concentrate on your parents. Think of your happiness memory of them.”

Lana seemed to be experiencing pain while she tried to think. “I don’t really remember much. I was only three when they died.”

Chloe wanted to snark that then maybe Lana shouldn’t have been so devastated but she kept quiet and said, “Then just try to think about how happy they made you and don’t speak. Too many voices will block the connection.” That and she didn’t want to hear Lana’s whining voice anymore.

Chloe took some deep breaths and tried those fake relaxation techniques that she had seen on countless psychic programs. “Spirits, oh spirits, come to me. We wish to speak to the dead. We wish to speak the parents of Lana Lang. Are you with us, spirits?”

At that moment, Lex started the fog machine and began toggling the remote.

Since Chloe had never bothered to close her eyes, she knew exactly when to tell Lana to open her eyes. “Lana! Look!” She pointed to the Ouija board where the oracle had started moving.

Lana began saying the letters. “W. E. R. H. E. R.E. What does werhere mean?”

Chloe rolled her eyes both at Lana’s stupidity and Lex’s laziness. It was just two more letters for Pete’s sake. “I think they mean ‘We are here.’ Are you Lana’s parents?” The pointer moved to the ‘yes’ option. “Do you have anything you want to say to Lana?” The pointer circled around the ‘yes’ option. “You may speak freely here.”

At that moment, Lex played the prerecorded message. It was too much effort to write everything out through the board. A manipulated voice with a spooky edge filled the room. “Lana, we are happy to be here. We had planned to give you up for adoption because you were such an annoying child. You always wanted us to tell you how pretty you were and how much you were loved. We couldn’t stand it anymore. The meteor was actually going to miss us, but we made the move to make sure it pancaked us. Please stop trying to contact us. We don’t want you. You were a mistake made during that time that I spent away from your father. That’s what you always represented. You were not meant to happen.”

Lex turned off the fog machine and the player. In the main room, Chloe had turned on the lights and blew out the candles while Lana had set there stunned. “Lana, are you going to be okay?” She was worried that she would have to sit through another bout of Lana’s sob story.

“They didn’t want me.” Lana said this in disbelief but then, as she was prone to do, her emotion quickly changed to anger. “Well if they didn’t want me, then I’m going to make sure they suffer.”

“What are you going to do?” Chloe tried her best to keep the hope out of her voice but she suspected she wasn’t doing a good job.

“I’m going to make sure they are stuck with me for the rest of their lives!” Lana declared with conviction.

“They’re dead.”

“Well, forever then.” She got out of her seat, opened the door and didn’t look back.

Lex opened his door and smiled at Chloe. “How long do you think we’ll have to wait?”

“Not too long, when Lana wants to do something, she does it without giving it enough thought to realize how dumb it is. When she leaves the building, she’ll probably step out in front of a bus, so she can go to the grave thinking the bus is to blame for being in her way.”

Sure enough, Lana’s death had made the humor news portion of Chlexipedia because she had stayed alive just long enough to talk about buses powered by meteor rocks bent on killing her.

The End

zho9
13th September 2007, 00:05
Cavia Wikitoria LOL. Poor kid... I think Lex went a little over the edge on this one. Oh, but, Lana's demise was just plain hilarious!

skauble
13th September 2007, 05:47
ROTFLMAO!

This was perfect. It really hit the bloodthirsty spot that was whipped up last night.

Of course, it's a given that normally I'm the most gentle of souls, but who can resist a good Lana killing?




But other than that, the only real problem came in preparation for the birth when the hospital refused to allow Stu, Nosy and the kids into the room. Lex had a fit and proclaimed that he would buy the hospital in order to change the rules.


LMAO I can just see a little piggy curled up on Chloe's tummy riding out the contractions with her.




Chloe only agreed because Lex was being sentimental and she didn’t want to push him to the point where he would sue for divorce and get sole custody of the pigs. He’d never take her child away from her, but the piggies were a different story all together.

Plus, she had convinced him to use the nickname Tory to prevent teasing when it came time for her to enter school. Of course, the idea of their precious daughter leaving home and going to school had forced Lex into such a state of despair that Chloe had to remind him the girl was just a few hours old.


Lex is *so* cute when he's all nutty and obsessive. :)




During the months of Chloe’s pregnancy, Nosy had given birth to two more litters. Lex refused to give any of the babies away, even when Chloe promised that he could do background checks on perspective owners. He cited that a family needed to stay together and the babies needed both of their parents.


It's a good thing that Lex has so much money, because I think they'll need to leave the penthouse and move to a sprawling estate where the piggies can roam free pretty soon.




These things are the ugliest things I’ve ever seen. Who would want a pet that does not have long beautiful hair like mine? And it bit me! It must be evil if it wants to bite me. I bet they are all meteor freaks and from Smallville which is why they tried to kill me. I know baldness is an effect of the meteors that killed my parents. We need to get rid of all these evil things that do harm to me and remind me of that terrible time in my life. Except for my meteor rock necklace, I can keep that because I’ve suffered so much.

Even if Lex hadn’t installed the illegal tracking devices for web servers or if she hadn’t chosen such an uncreative screenname as LanaLang, Lex still would have known who the poster was. He went in search of his wife to explain the situation and plot their revenge.



First of all - Hell no! How does the pink squirrel get off insulting any of God's truly cute creatures??? Case in point -

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v701/Major_Miner_II/Sarah/sp100.gif

And secondly, I noticed how she slipped in the dis on Lex with that bald crack.

Die! Die! Die!

Of course I mean that in the nicest way possible.

And kudos to Lex for the illegal tracking devices. He's so sexy when he's evil.




Lana began saying the letters. “W. E. R. H. E. R.E. What does werhere mean?”

Chloe rolled her eyes both at Lana’s stupidity and Lex’s laziness. It was just two more letters for Pete’s sake. “I think they mean ‘We are here.’ Are you Lana’s parents?” The pointer moved to the ‘yes’ option. “Do you have anything you want to say to Lana?” The pointer circled around the ‘yes’ option. “You may speak freely here.”


:rofl: Lex *is* a lazy ass. I'll just assume that he was as eager as the rest of us to see Lana die.




At that moment, Lex played the prerecorded message. It was too much effort to write everything out through the board. A manipulated voice with a spooky edge filled the room. “Lana, we are happy to be here. We had planned to give you up for adoption because you were such an annoying child. You always wanted us to tell you how pretty you were and how much you were loved. We couldn’t stand it anymore. The meteor was actually going to miss us, but we made the move to make sure it pancaked us. Please stop trying to contact us. We don’t want you. You were a mistake made during that time that I spent away from your father. That’s what you always represented. You were not meant to happen.”


OMG! ROTFLMAO!!! That must have been nearly orgasmic for Lex. And her parents threw themselves under the meteor on purpose??? LMAO Why do I think that Lex may have actually stumbled on the truth there.




“I’m going to make sure they are stuck with me for the rest of their lives!” Lana declared with conviction.

“They’re dead.”

“Well, forever then.” She got out of her seat, opened the door and didn’t look back.


You go get 'em, Lana. Hey, I'm actually supportive of Lana for once.




Sure enough, Lana’s death had made the humor news portion of Chlexipedia because she had stayed alive just long enough to talk about buses powered by meteor rocks bent on killing her.


Hey, Lana's death made the humor section in Chlexipedia just like it did here!

Lovely story. It makes me wish I were a bus driver.

~Sarah~

P.S. Hope the wanton Lana violence made you feel better. :)

superag
16th September 2007, 04:07
OMG. You just out and out killed her. No beating around the bush here. This was really vindictive - good job!

Avalanche
16th September 2007, 04:43
Lana death is always a thing of beauty. It warms me to the very bottom of my heart...it surely does.