HumbugGirl
19th April 2003, 01:01
Title: Letters From The Dead (1/1)
Author: HumbugGirl
Email: humbuggirl@hotmail.com
URL: http://www.geocities.com/oddfictions or http://www.geocities.com/peacefulempress/home.html
Pairing: Lex/Lana, Lex/Chloe
Rating: PG
Summary: Future fic. Lana sorts through a tangle of memories in the light of a recent event.
Spoilers: None, almost entirely AU after season one of Smallville.
Disclaimer: Okay so I haven’t had the chance to come up with a proper disclaimer yet so you’ll have to put up with the basic ‘none of the characters belong to me, this is a non-profit piece of work just written for fun with praise directed at the creators of Smallville’ kinda thing.
Author’s Notes: 1) Please note I’m a dedicated ChLex but I couldn’t get this idea out of my head. I’m also writing this as a favour for a friend who is trying to prove to me that L/L could actually work. 2) This doesn’t fit with the whole Superman mythos. It’s almost entirely AU.
Feedback: Yes please. Seriously, I’d like to know what you think.
1.
He could own the world if he wanted to. Just a few simple decisions made correctly and he could be the greatest ruler that the world had ever known. He would easily equal any of those great men whose lives he has made such an effort to follow ever since he was young and probably march right past them and on into the history books. He could be anything he wanted to be but he chose this instead.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out as a trembling sigh Lana rose from her bed leaving the man who had shared it with her laid there alone. He did not even so much as stir as the warm figure that had been by his side disappeared. For a moment she paused in the doorway watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, pale and beautiful in the cool moonlight that streamed through the windows of their mountain retreat. Reluctantly she turned away and wandered through into the kitchen where she put on a pot of coffee to heat without worrying about the effect the caffeine would have on her. Sleep hadn’t been threatening anyway. It rarely did anymore. She supposed it was one symptom of a guilty conscious that she should have to suffer through the long nights with nothing but her memories for company. If they had been in the city then she would have found something to occupy her time. There was always a movie showing somewhere, or a bar or club open but out here, in the middle of nowhere, where the next house was nearly forty miles away and the nearest town was a Hicksville affair far beyond her reach she found herself left alone. Even his presence couldn’t make up for it.
Of course it was his fault that they were out here in the first place. It had been his idea to come out to this place in the middle of nowhere for a ‘nice little vacation’ that had gradually turned into a very long, not so vacation-like stay and all because he had been unable to stay in the city where the memories wouldn’t cooperate with his everyday life and leave him alone. But ultimately she supposed she could blame it all on one little letter. It had been just a short note, with Lex’s name and their address hastily scribbled on the front in handwriting that had seem almost familiar but had left her unable to put her finger on who exactly the writer had been. Summer sun had been streaming in through the window to the breakfast room when her lover had sat down at the table and carefully cut open the envelope with a letter opener that she had bought him two Christmases ago and she would never forget the way that the clouds had seemed to gather as he read and the contents of what he read began to sink in.
Lana had discovered later that it was Clark who had sent the note. Seeing his name printed at the bottom, neat and somehow friendly despite all the years that had grown between them it had felt to her as if she was still back in Smallville, leaning over in class to catch a glimpse of whatever it was that he had written for her to see. It reminded her of a time when she thought she had been in love with the handsome farm boy and very few things had seemed to matter at all. The content of the note however was enough to dispel those happy memories and bring in a rush of others, ones that were considerably less pleasant to think about. And as much as she fought the impending rush there didn’t seem to be anything that could hold them back. An entire bottle of vodka had proved that.
His manner of writing had been cool, distanced and clearly displayed his displeasure in having to write to Lex. He had, according to the letter, only done so out of memory for Chloe because he knew that she would have wished for someone to inform Lex of her death. Lana had blanched at reading that line and she wondered how many times Clark had rewritten the letter to find a way to tell Lex that she was gone because, lord knows Lana knew she wouldn’t have been able to do it. But then, why she wouldn’t have been unable to do it was a completely different matter.
And that was when the memories had begun to taunt her, saying that none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for her and all Lana could do was remind herself that the world of ten years ago, when all that had happened had happened, was different from the world of today, the one in which she had to live in now. And it was with that in mind that she had always tried to tell herself that they would never have lasted this long anyway, it was a relationship that had been doomed from the very start.
It had started like a whirlwind, a sudden flash of passion between too people and the gradual realisation that it wasn’t beyond reach from them to satisfy the yearning in each other. Lana had seen it growing; she had spied the odd tender touches between them when they thought no one was looking and the way in which they would watch each other with fascinated, satisfied eyes. She had noticed the manner in which they always seemed to brighten when one or the other of them entered the room and how Chloe would hide secretive little smiles and how Lex seemed so much more relaxed and less defensive than he had been before. It had been an almost miraculous change in the young man and from it Lana thought that she was able to see a whole new side of him. She had never guessed that Chloe’s humanising influence in his life would eventually be what brought their relationship to an end.
Lana had always regretted that she had been a part of the reason why their relationship ended. But back way back when she had seen their relationship as a dying bird, just trying to fly that bit further before it finally run out of strength and plummeted to earth taking both of them with it. It had been heart breaking to see while realising that whatever fire had been burning between them was finally going to turn on it’s self and devour everything that had formed between them so at the time she had thought that what she planned to do was the best for everyone involved. She had thought that she would never be able to look at either of them again without seeing the lingering pain that the death of such a relationship would bring and so, even before she had fully realised it herself, Lana had planned the downfall of the great romance that had existed between them by placing herself in the middle, deciding that the hurt would be less if the break was quick rather an lingering. All it had taken was the manipulation of a few situations. She had taken those friendly arguments that had always existed between them and slowly twisted them and played with them until the two could hardly stand to be in the same room as each other.
He had turned to her for comfort as Lana had expected he would do. It was in her arms that he had lingered when it became clear that Chloe would never again look on him with kind eyes without some memory of his words burning in her mind. And Lana had gathered him to her, telling herself all the while that this was for the best and that any relationship between them would merely show that he knew he could be happy with her. She had told herself that it was for the best because together Lex and Chloe would end up destroying each other.
It was only when they finally left Smallville for good that it became apparent exactly how much Lex pined for the other girl. While in the small town Lana supposed that he was still able to get his Chloe-fix every now and again by seeing her in places they both frequented or through Clark who was still a mutual friend, although by that point he was considerably less friendly towards Lex than he had once been. But in the city he wasn’t comforted by the sight of her on odd occasions and after a while Lana thought that he had finally and completely moved on and it kindled a vague hope within her that was eventually fulfilled. The wedding had been a beautiful affair and she had found herself surrounded by her friends and loved ones, the rich and the famous. Clark had been there, as had a reluctant Pete but although she had been issued an invitation there was no Chloe. Lana had not been surprised and she doubted that Lex had been either. In truth she was relieved. There had been on particular recurring nightmare about Chloe objecting loudly that had been playing loudly in her mind for weeks before hand.
It was only two years later that Lana had discovered that Chloe had indeed had shown up before the wedding. One night, while drunk Lex had confessed everything to her about the single night that the old lovers had spent together before his wedding. Tears had crept into his eyes as he recounted it, dwelling on details that Lana had wanted nothing more than to stop him talking about and finally she had stormed out of the room half wishing that she had never married him in the first place. When he had woken the next morning, head aching with the lingering effects of the alcohol he had consumed, Lex had carefully avoided talking about anything he had said the night before. After a brief ‘good morning’ conversation he had quickly dressed and left the house to go to work. That night he hadn’t returned until late.
It was from that moment that she had first realised that she was always going to come second in his heart and the feeling that discovery brought with it was strange and alien. It was something that she had far from ever expected. After a while their relationship had seemed to return to normal and she once again began to nurture the hope that he would forget about the blonde haired girl that they should both have left behind. For years they had gone on together, appearing to the outside world as a happy couple but Lana knew there was something boiling away beneath the surface.
When she turned twenty-five years old the brunette had discovered that she was unable to have children. They had been trying for years, Lex knowing how badly she wanted to be a mother and Lana secretly wondering whether this wouldn’t be something that would bring them closer together and when they had found out that for some reason the doctors couldn’t quite figure she would never be able to have them Lana had feared he would just take off and leave her. He hadn’t though, maintaining that they never knew what developments in the medical field in the future would prove helpful to them. It had been a surprisingly optimistic approach from him.
A year after that they had received a wedding invitation from Pete, who had apparently decided that settling down with one girl wasn’t such a bad thing after all despite everything that he had ever boasted. Returning to Smallville after the eight year absence had been an emotionally charged event for Lana. Driving through the streets in the back of a limo while the towns people glanced in their direction had been almost fear inspiring and noticing her tense exterior Lex had reached across and laid a gentle hand over hers. The wedding was held at the local church that had been decked out in the most beautiful array of flowers that Lana had ever seen. It seemed only to last seconds and then Pete was married and they were all returned to the Luthor mansion that Lex had offered for use for the reception and which Pete had accepted with very little reluctance.
They hadn’t been at the house longer than ten minutes before Lana spied a small, willowy blonde figure leaving the main party room and disappearing into the rest of the house. She had followed out of curiosity, eventually entering the room that had always been designated Lex’s study behind the woman. Quietly Lana had closed the door and waited for the other woman to make some acknowledgement that she knew the other was there or did something that revealed her purpose for leaving the reception. The blonde wandered around the room, running her hands over the objects with the familiarity of someone who had been there before and eventually pausing as she came across something that was new to her touch. She cut a delicate figure in a deep red skirt and a tight fitting matching top with some sort of patterning on it and high healed shoes that clicking on the floorboards and disguised her petite stature. To Lana she looked overly thin and when she paused to pick up a photograph that the brunette knew contained a photograph of herself on her wedding day she displayed a profile to her that was equally delicate and finely sculpted. It was in that second that Lana finally realised that the pale young woman standing across the room from her was Chloe Sullivan, older and gaunter but still the small blonde reporter that she had known in high school.
“I saw the pictures in a magazine,” Chloe had said very suddenly in the quiet of the room. “But this one is different.”
“We saved some just for us,” Lana replied stepping further into the room but keeping some room between them. Chloe had placed the photograph back down on Lex’s desk then reached into her purse which had been resting beside it and pulling out a packet of cigarettes, one of which she took and lit, inhaling deeply.
Glancing at Lana she said, “I know, it’s practically considered a crime nowadays but I think everyone has got to have at least one vice.”
“I always thought your vice was coffee.”
Chloe had given her a small smile. “I never said I had only one vice.” She looked away again and walked towards the large window behind Lex’s desk. Standing there Lana was stunned to find that stood there she reminded her of Lex.
Taking a deep breath to steady herself she asked, “Was there something you needed, Chloe?”
“No.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I was invited to the wedding, Lana.”
Opening her mouth and then closing it again before finally speaking Lana said, “That’s not what I meant. I meant, what are you doing in here?”
There was a small chuckle from Chloe. “I wanted to get away from the cattle market out there. I didn’t think anyone would bother me in here; in Lex’s little private sanctum.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t worry, Lana. I wasn’t looking for your husband to steal him away.” The words were said a little bitterly but somehow she had still received the impression that Chloe was laughing at her.
Standing straighter Lana had shaken her head a little, causing her dark hair to fall about her face hiding it a little. “I wasn’t suggesting that…”
She had turned slightly and looked over her should at Lana with eyes that were irritatingly mischievous. “No, you weren’t but I know you wanted to.”
“You don’t know very much about me at all Chloe Sullivan,” Lana retorted with and then flushed a little as she realised she sounded like a five year old child.
Chloe laughed and sat down on Lex’s chair. “I know enough about you Lana. I know more than I would like to know. I didn’t come here to get into a fight if that’s what you’re thinking. I came here to celebrate my friend’s wedding and it just so happened that you did as well.”
Sighing and trying to get over the sight of the blonde woman so relaxed in her husband’s chair while raising a cigarette to her lips Lana had finally said, “I don’t want to fight either, Chloe. Just… just close the door when you’re done okay?”
She found Lex standing in the middle of the party room talking with Clark, more amiably so than they had done in the previous years. There was a scotch tumbler in his hand that he was sipping at occasionally and a slight redness to his cheeks that told Lana that it probably wasn’t the first drink he had consumed so far. Apparently friendships were easier once you had a couple of drinks in you. Standing at the side of the room she had taken the time to simply look at her husband and admire the fine figure he cut in the crowd. There were very few people present who could even hope to compare with him among those gathered in the room. Even standing next to Clark he seemed to be something special.
She knew that she would be able to put up with his occasionally wandering eyes because she knew she was in love with him and felt that he was probably in love with her too. She knew that there was always going to be women who looked at Lex as potential prey, someone big and important to land and that even if he did have the occasional affair then they would never last for long because he had too much respect for his own and Lana’s reputations to have them dragged through the rumour mill. Even where Chloe was concerned she knew that there would always be something that stopped him from leaving her as much as he had loved the blonde, did love the blonde. Ultimately Lana knew that she was married to a man who was capable of doing anything, capable of being anything he wanted to be and when he did achieve the greatness he so well deserved then she would be along side him. It made her glee well up in her.
The party had lasted long into the night and it was into the early hours of the next morning before things started to die down. Lana found herself exhausted and not for the first time extremely happy that she had enough money to hire people to clear up the mess that had been made for her. Wandering through the house she had found herself attracted by the sound of voices coming from an upstairs room and had followed the sound of them until she found the right room. They had been sitting together in one of the bedrooms. Just sitting there, not even touching but just beside each other as if that was all they needed. Chloe’s voice had been melancholy and she had been staring at her hands which had been clasped tightly in her lap until the skin had turned mottled white. As she watched, Lana saw her reach into her purse and pull out another cigarette and light it quickly, almost as if it were a life line and then heard Lex’s quiet admonishment of her action.
“You’re one to talk, burying yourself in a whiskey bottle all night long,” Chloe had replied quickly with just the same balance of harshness and kindness that she had always spoken to him to with in the past. There was an air of playfulness to it that Lana had never really been able to understand.
“You’re asking for a case of lung cancer, Chloe.”
“So says Mr-I’m-Gonna-Need-A-New-Liver-Soon. Hell, never mind your liver, you do know alcohol kills brain cells don’t you?”
“Is that why I saw you drinking champagne earlier?”
Chloe scrunched up her nose and said, “That’s entirely different. I’m not sure how it is yet but it is.”
Lex had given a warm burst of laughter and Chloe glanced up and in his direction, a wry little smile coming to her features. Leaning across the blonde lightly placed a kiss on his lips to which the man responded. When it had finished Lex added, “You know I still miss you don’t you?”
“I know. And you know I still miss you don’t you? On the odd occasion that I care to think about you that is which just about happens to be all the time still.”
A strange expression passed over Lex’s face and he looked up to find Lana standing quietly in the doorway. He stood quickly, nearly upsetting the woman who was perched on the bed beside him who also looked towards the door, the expression on her face startled and surprised. Nothing was said. Lex simply looked once more at Chloe with sad blue eyes and then left the room, walking past his wife without even the briefest acknowledgment. Chloe had sat there, making no sign that she was going to move and eventually Lana had found herself getting fed up of waiting and said, “Let yourself out when you’re done,” before turned and leaving the room.
The coffee was made and Lana took a cup with her out onto the veranda after grabbing one of the warm blankets that they kept in the living room. Curling on one of the recliners on the decking she sipped at the hot liquid and tried to remember the last time that she had actually spoken about Chloe with her husband. It had to have been the year before, perhaps when they were in London and while flicking through the television channels Lex had come across the BBC World Service. There Chloe had been in a pristine suit, standing with some man who sounded like he might be Welsh discussing something to do with the UN summit meeting. Lana hadn’t really listened and had instead glanced back and forth between the pale blonde figure on the enormous television screen and her husband who had been seated on the couch listening with undisguised interest.
“She’s always going to be there you know,” he had said without turning away from the screen then glancing back at it.
Sitting down adjacent to him Lana had replied, “I know.”
“Good. I loved her, Lana. Some part of me still does. You can’t possibly understand what it was like to go all those years without so much as an ounce of honest affection from anyone who didn’t have an ulterior motive about latching onto my money and then to come across it from likes Chloe who didn’t care about such things as that. She cared for me, not for the money I had or the status.”
Something in Lana’s heart had cracked because she knew that the words he spoke were true. All her life she had known that there was someone watching out for her. People had loved Lana Lang for the person she was, not what she represented and it destroyed her to know that Lex had never experienced the same feelings and securities that knowledge had brought with it. Chloe had indeed been a lifeline to the man, drawing him away from the impending cynicism about people that had been threatening to control him. Lana had never tried to deny that but she had thought all along that maybe Chloe hadn’t been the only one. Hadn’t she shown Lex love and compassion as well?
Perhaps it wasn’t the same thing to Lex. She might have been kind to him, she might always have acted in his best interests and backed him in everything he had ever done with his life but the pale young blonde girl from his past would always be his first true love. For the longest time Lana had thought that she could deal with that, she could put it aside and forget about it even if he couldn’t but now she wasn’t so sure. She would never be able to forget the look of pure anguish that had rushed to his features on reading that she was dead and for the first time in as long as she could remember, sat there on the veranda with the stars still glistening overhead, Lana wondered whether she had done the right thing all those years ago.
A noise from behind her, near the house, startled the brunette and she shifted slightly so that she could see the figure who was stood in the middle of the French doors. Lex looked ill. He had pulled on a t-shirt that had once been black but now had dulled to a washed out grey to protect against the cool of the mountain air and was standing with his arms crossed against his chest. Even across the distance between them Lana could see that he appeared to be even paler than usual and that the dark rings around his eyes seemed to be worse than ever.
A daunting sensation began to grow in her heart as he stepped outside and approached her, eventually perching sideways on the other recliner so that he could look at her. There was something nervous about his posture; a characteristic that Lana knew was rare for the man now seated across from her. In all the years that she had known him Lana figured that she could have just about counted on one hand all the times she had seen him in such a state before and for her it was unsettling, disturbing in what it told her about the conversation that was to come.
“I rang Clark when you were out today,” he said and to Lana it sounded like a confession. “I wanted, needed to find out how it happened.”
Nodding and swallowing at the same time Lana then asked, “What did he say?”
“It was cancer; apparently the same type that her mother died of. She was ill with it for years but never told anyone until it had progressed too far to hide anymore. When it got bad she finally told Clark and he looked after her for the last couple of months before… Well, you know before what. Anyway, he’s sending me some letters that she wrote before she died. There’s one for you and one for me and a whole stack of ones that she’s apparently been writing ever since she found out she was ill.”
“Why didn’t she send them before?”
“I don’t know. I wish she had done.” He fell silent, tapping his bare feet on the decking for a few minutes and wringing his hands together while he elbows were rest on his knees. She could tell just by looking at him that he was building up to something and the thought frightened her. Lana tucked her feet up closer to her body and hugged her legs. “We don’t work anymore do we?” he said finally. The question was clearly rhetorical but he still glanced up at her face to make sure she was not going to make a reply. When she said nothing he continued, “We haven’t worked for a while Lana and its making us both miserable. You can’t live with what I’m feeling at the moment and what I’m going through… I can’t live without it. I need to mourn and you can’t let me.”
Taking a deep breath Lana said, “Maybe we just need a little time apart.”
He met her eyes with his and there was something in the depths of those blue orbs that scared her. “No, I don’t think so.”
Lord God what was he going to do? A shiver of fear ran through her and suddenly Lana could see a chasm before them that she was nearly certain was bottomless and in her mind she knew that if she let him go now then he was going to fall and there would be no saving him. “But what if…” She found she was unable to finish because looking into those eyes she knew she wasn’t the person to pull him back. He’d just drag her down into his personal hell with him because there was something in him that wanted to do so. “Don’t do this, Lex. You don’t have to.”
“You always meant so well didn’t you?” he asked gently and reached across to cup the side of her face and run his thumb over her cheek. When he drew away again Lana could see that there was a tiny trail of water on his hand and realised that a tear must have escaped her eye. “You’re too good for me.”
Shaking her head the brunette said, “No I’m not.”
“I’m going to leave in the morning and head back to the Metropolis. I thought that you could go to the house in Smallville so you can be near your family. I’ll have your letter sent there for you.”
“I’ll wait for you there,” she told him.
Standing up Lex looked down at her. “I won’t be joining you.” He left, walking back into the house and Lana knew from the sounds she could hear from inside that he had gone into the spare bedroom instead of the one they shared.
“I’ll still be waiting,” she murmured feeling tears threatening to roll down her cheeks once more.
THE END
So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of good health
And good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trail
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while
I hope you had the time of your life
‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’ ~ Green Day
Author: HumbugGirl
Email: humbuggirl@hotmail.com
URL: http://www.geocities.com/oddfictions or http://www.geocities.com/peacefulempress/home.html
Pairing: Lex/Lana, Lex/Chloe
Rating: PG
Summary: Future fic. Lana sorts through a tangle of memories in the light of a recent event.
Spoilers: None, almost entirely AU after season one of Smallville.
Disclaimer: Okay so I haven’t had the chance to come up with a proper disclaimer yet so you’ll have to put up with the basic ‘none of the characters belong to me, this is a non-profit piece of work just written for fun with praise directed at the creators of Smallville’ kinda thing.
Author’s Notes: 1) Please note I’m a dedicated ChLex but I couldn’t get this idea out of my head. I’m also writing this as a favour for a friend who is trying to prove to me that L/L could actually work. 2) This doesn’t fit with the whole Superman mythos. It’s almost entirely AU.
Feedback: Yes please. Seriously, I’d like to know what you think.
1.
He could own the world if he wanted to. Just a few simple decisions made correctly and he could be the greatest ruler that the world had ever known. He would easily equal any of those great men whose lives he has made such an effort to follow ever since he was young and probably march right past them and on into the history books. He could be anything he wanted to be but he chose this instead.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out as a trembling sigh Lana rose from her bed leaving the man who had shared it with her laid there alone. He did not even so much as stir as the warm figure that had been by his side disappeared. For a moment she paused in the doorway watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, pale and beautiful in the cool moonlight that streamed through the windows of their mountain retreat. Reluctantly she turned away and wandered through into the kitchen where she put on a pot of coffee to heat without worrying about the effect the caffeine would have on her. Sleep hadn’t been threatening anyway. It rarely did anymore. She supposed it was one symptom of a guilty conscious that she should have to suffer through the long nights with nothing but her memories for company. If they had been in the city then she would have found something to occupy her time. There was always a movie showing somewhere, or a bar or club open but out here, in the middle of nowhere, where the next house was nearly forty miles away and the nearest town was a Hicksville affair far beyond her reach she found herself left alone. Even his presence couldn’t make up for it.
Of course it was his fault that they were out here in the first place. It had been his idea to come out to this place in the middle of nowhere for a ‘nice little vacation’ that had gradually turned into a very long, not so vacation-like stay and all because he had been unable to stay in the city where the memories wouldn’t cooperate with his everyday life and leave him alone. But ultimately she supposed she could blame it all on one little letter. It had been just a short note, with Lex’s name and their address hastily scribbled on the front in handwriting that had seem almost familiar but had left her unable to put her finger on who exactly the writer had been. Summer sun had been streaming in through the window to the breakfast room when her lover had sat down at the table and carefully cut open the envelope with a letter opener that she had bought him two Christmases ago and she would never forget the way that the clouds had seemed to gather as he read and the contents of what he read began to sink in.
Lana had discovered later that it was Clark who had sent the note. Seeing his name printed at the bottom, neat and somehow friendly despite all the years that had grown between them it had felt to her as if she was still back in Smallville, leaning over in class to catch a glimpse of whatever it was that he had written for her to see. It reminded her of a time when she thought she had been in love with the handsome farm boy and very few things had seemed to matter at all. The content of the note however was enough to dispel those happy memories and bring in a rush of others, ones that were considerably less pleasant to think about. And as much as she fought the impending rush there didn’t seem to be anything that could hold them back. An entire bottle of vodka had proved that.
His manner of writing had been cool, distanced and clearly displayed his displeasure in having to write to Lex. He had, according to the letter, only done so out of memory for Chloe because he knew that she would have wished for someone to inform Lex of her death. Lana had blanched at reading that line and she wondered how many times Clark had rewritten the letter to find a way to tell Lex that she was gone because, lord knows Lana knew she wouldn’t have been able to do it. But then, why she wouldn’t have been unable to do it was a completely different matter.
And that was when the memories had begun to taunt her, saying that none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for her and all Lana could do was remind herself that the world of ten years ago, when all that had happened had happened, was different from the world of today, the one in which she had to live in now. And it was with that in mind that she had always tried to tell herself that they would never have lasted this long anyway, it was a relationship that had been doomed from the very start.
It had started like a whirlwind, a sudden flash of passion between too people and the gradual realisation that it wasn’t beyond reach from them to satisfy the yearning in each other. Lana had seen it growing; she had spied the odd tender touches between them when they thought no one was looking and the way in which they would watch each other with fascinated, satisfied eyes. She had noticed the manner in which they always seemed to brighten when one or the other of them entered the room and how Chloe would hide secretive little smiles and how Lex seemed so much more relaxed and less defensive than he had been before. It had been an almost miraculous change in the young man and from it Lana thought that she was able to see a whole new side of him. She had never guessed that Chloe’s humanising influence in his life would eventually be what brought their relationship to an end.
Lana had always regretted that she had been a part of the reason why their relationship ended. But back way back when she had seen their relationship as a dying bird, just trying to fly that bit further before it finally run out of strength and plummeted to earth taking both of them with it. It had been heart breaking to see while realising that whatever fire had been burning between them was finally going to turn on it’s self and devour everything that had formed between them so at the time she had thought that what she planned to do was the best for everyone involved. She had thought that she would never be able to look at either of them again without seeing the lingering pain that the death of such a relationship would bring and so, even before she had fully realised it herself, Lana had planned the downfall of the great romance that had existed between them by placing herself in the middle, deciding that the hurt would be less if the break was quick rather an lingering. All it had taken was the manipulation of a few situations. She had taken those friendly arguments that had always existed between them and slowly twisted them and played with them until the two could hardly stand to be in the same room as each other.
He had turned to her for comfort as Lana had expected he would do. It was in her arms that he had lingered when it became clear that Chloe would never again look on him with kind eyes without some memory of his words burning in her mind. And Lana had gathered him to her, telling herself all the while that this was for the best and that any relationship between them would merely show that he knew he could be happy with her. She had told herself that it was for the best because together Lex and Chloe would end up destroying each other.
It was only when they finally left Smallville for good that it became apparent exactly how much Lex pined for the other girl. While in the small town Lana supposed that he was still able to get his Chloe-fix every now and again by seeing her in places they both frequented or through Clark who was still a mutual friend, although by that point he was considerably less friendly towards Lex than he had once been. But in the city he wasn’t comforted by the sight of her on odd occasions and after a while Lana thought that he had finally and completely moved on and it kindled a vague hope within her that was eventually fulfilled. The wedding had been a beautiful affair and she had found herself surrounded by her friends and loved ones, the rich and the famous. Clark had been there, as had a reluctant Pete but although she had been issued an invitation there was no Chloe. Lana had not been surprised and she doubted that Lex had been either. In truth she was relieved. There had been on particular recurring nightmare about Chloe objecting loudly that had been playing loudly in her mind for weeks before hand.
It was only two years later that Lana had discovered that Chloe had indeed had shown up before the wedding. One night, while drunk Lex had confessed everything to her about the single night that the old lovers had spent together before his wedding. Tears had crept into his eyes as he recounted it, dwelling on details that Lana had wanted nothing more than to stop him talking about and finally she had stormed out of the room half wishing that she had never married him in the first place. When he had woken the next morning, head aching with the lingering effects of the alcohol he had consumed, Lex had carefully avoided talking about anything he had said the night before. After a brief ‘good morning’ conversation he had quickly dressed and left the house to go to work. That night he hadn’t returned until late.
It was from that moment that she had first realised that she was always going to come second in his heart and the feeling that discovery brought with it was strange and alien. It was something that she had far from ever expected. After a while their relationship had seemed to return to normal and she once again began to nurture the hope that he would forget about the blonde haired girl that they should both have left behind. For years they had gone on together, appearing to the outside world as a happy couple but Lana knew there was something boiling away beneath the surface.
When she turned twenty-five years old the brunette had discovered that she was unable to have children. They had been trying for years, Lex knowing how badly she wanted to be a mother and Lana secretly wondering whether this wouldn’t be something that would bring them closer together and when they had found out that for some reason the doctors couldn’t quite figure she would never be able to have them Lana had feared he would just take off and leave her. He hadn’t though, maintaining that they never knew what developments in the medical field in the future would prove helpful to them. It had been a surprisingly optimistic approach from him.
A year after that they had received a wedding invitation from Pete, who had apparently decided that settling down with one girl wasn’t such a bad thing after all despite everything that he had ever boasted. Returning to Smallville after the eight year absence had been an emotionally charged event for Lana. Driving through the streets in the back of a limo while the towns people glanced in their direction had been almost fear inspiring and noticing her tense exterior Lex had reached across and laid a gentle hand over hers. The wedding was held at the local church that had been decked out in the most beautiful array of flowers that Lana had ever seen. It seemed only to last seconds and then Pete was married and they were all returned to the Luthor mansion that Lex had offered for use for the reception and which Pete had accepted with very little reluctance.
They hadn’t been at the house longer than ten minutes before Lana spied a small, willowy blonde figure leaving the main party room and disappearing into the rest of the house. She had followed out of curiosity, eventually entering the room that had always been designated Lex’s study behind the woman. Quietly Lana had closed the door and waited for the other woman to make some acknowledgement that she knew the other was there or did something that revealed her purpose for leaving the reception. The blonde wandered around the room, running her hands over the objects with the familiarity of someone who had been there before and eventually pausing as she came across something that was new to her touch. She cut a delicate figure in a deep red skirt and a tight fitting matching top with some sort of patterning on it and high healed shoes that clicking on the floorboards and disguised her petite stature. To Lana she looked overly thin and when she paused to pick up a photograph that the brunette knew contained a photograph of herself on her wedding day she displayed a profile to her that was equally delicate and finely sculpted. It was in that second that Lana finally realised that the pale young woman standing across the room from her was Chloe Sullivan, older and gaunter but still the small blonde reporter that she had known in high school.
“I saw the pictures in a magazine,” Chloe had said very suddenly in the quiet of the room. “But this one is different.”
“We saved some just for us,” Lana replied stepping further into the room but keeping some room between them. Chloe had placed the photograph back down on Lex’s desk then reached into her purse which had been resting beside it and pulling out a packet of cigarettes, one of which she took and lit, inhaling deeply.
Glancing at Lana she said, “I know, it’s practically considered a crime nowadays but I think everyone has got to have at least one vice.”
“I always thought your vice was coffee.”
Chloe had given her a small smile. “I never said I had only one vice.” She looked away again and walked towards the large window behind Lex’s desk. Standing there Lana was stunned to find that stood there she reminded her of Lex.
Taking a deep breath to steady herself she asked, “Was there something you needed, Chloe?”
“No.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I was invited to the wedding, Lana.”
Opening her mouth and then closing it again before finally speaking Lana said, “That’s not what I meant. I meant, what are you doing in here?”
There was a small chuckle from Chloe. “I wanted to get away from the cattle market out there. I didn’t think anyone would bother me in here; in Lex’s little private sanctum.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t worry, Lana. I wasn’t looking for your husband to steal him away.” The words were said a little bitterly but somehow she had still received the impression that Chloe was laughing at her.
Standing straighter Lana had shaken her head a little, causing her dark hair to fall about her face hiding it a little. “I wasn’t suggesting that…”
She had turned slightly and looked over her should at Lana with eyes that were irritatingly mischievous. “No, you weren’t but I know you wanted to.”
“You don’t know very much about me at all Chloe Sullivan,” Lana retorted with and then flushed a little as she realised she sounded like a five year old child.
Chloe laughed and sat down on Lex’s chair. “I know enough about you Lana. I know more than I would like to know. I didn’t come here to get into a fight if that’s what you’re thinking. I came here to celebrate my friend’s wedding and it just so happened that you did as well.”
Sighing and trying to get over the sight of the blonde woman so relaxed in her husband’s chair while raising a cigarette to her lips Lana had finally said, “I don’t want to fight either, Chloe. Just… just close the door when you’re done okay?”
She found Lex standing in the middle of the party room talking with Clark, more amiably so than they had done in the previous years. There was a scotch tumbler in his hand that he was sipping at occasionally and a slight redness to his cheeks that told Lana that it probably wasn’t the first drink he had consumed so far. Apparently friendships were easier once you had a couple of drinks in you. Standing at the side of the room she had taken the time to simply look at her husband and admire the fine figure he cut in the crowd. There were very few people present who could even hope to compare with him among those gathered in the room. Even standing next to Clark he seemed to be something special.
She knew that she would be able to put up with his occasionally wandering eyes because she knew she was in love with him and felt that he was probably in love with her too. She knew that there was always going to be women who looked at Lex as potential prey, someone big and important to land and that even if he did have the occasional affair then they would never last for long because he had too much respect for his own and Lana’s reputations to have them dragged through the rumour mill. Even where Chloe was concerned she knew that there would always be something that stopped him from leaving her as much as he had loved the blonde, did love the blonde. Ultimately Lana knew that she was married to a man who was capable of doing anything, capable of being anything he wanted to be and when he did achieve the greatness he so well deserved then she would be along side him. It made her glee well up in her.
The party had lasted long into the night and it was into the early hours of the next morning before things started to die down. Lana found herself exhausted and not for the first time extremely happy that she had enough money to hire people to clear up the mess that had been made for her. Wandering through the house she had found herself attracted by the sound of voices coming from an upstairs room and had followed the sound of them until she found the right room. They had been sitting together in one of the bedrooms. Just sitting there, not even touching but just beside each other as if that was all they needed. Chloe’s voice had been melancholy and she had been staring at her hands which had been clasped tightly in her lap until the skin had turned mottled white. As she watched, Lana saw her reach into her purse and pull out another cigarette and light it quickly, almost as if it were a life line and then heard Lex’s quiet admonishment of her action.
“You’re one to talk, burying yourself in a whiskey bottle all night long,” Chloe had replied quickly with just the same balance of harshness and kindness that she had always spoken to him to with in the past. There was an air of playfulness to it that Lana had never really been able to understand.
“You’re asking for a case of lung cancer, Chloe.”
“So says Mr-I’m-Gonna-Need-A-New-Liver-Soon. Hell, never mind your liver, you do know alcohol kills brain cells don’t you?”
“Is that why I saw you drinking champagne earlier?”
Chloe scrunched up her nose and said, “That’s entirely different. I’m not sure how it is yet but it is.”
Lex had given a warm burst of laughter and Chloe glanced up and in his direction, a wry little smile coming to her features. Leaning across the blonde lightly placed a kiss on his lips to which the man responded. When it had finished Lex added, “You know I still miss you don’t you?”
“I know. And you know I still miss you don’t you? On the odd occasion that I care to think about you that is which just about happens to be all the time still.”
A strange expression passed over Lex’s face and he looked up to find Lana standing quietly in the doorway. He stood quickly, nearly upsetting the woman who was perched on the bed beside him who also looked towards the door, the expression on her face startled and surprised. Nothing was said. Lex simply looked once more at Chloe with sad blue eyes and then left the room, walking past his wife without even the briefest acknowledgment. Chloe had sat there, making no sign that she was going to move and eventually Lana had found herself getting fed up of waiting and said, “Let yourself out when you’re done,” before turned and leaving the room.
The coffee was made and Lana took a cup with her out onto the veranda after grabbing one of the warm blankets that they kept in the living room. Curling on one of the recliners on the decking she sipped at the hot liquid and tried to remember the last time that she had actually spoken about Chloe with her husband. It had to have been the year before, perhaps when they were in London and while flicking through the television channels Lex had come across the BBC World Service. There Chloe had been in a pristine suit, standing with some man who sounded like he might be Welsh discussing something to do with the UN summit meeting. Lana hadn’t really listened and had instead glanced back and forth between the pale blonde figure on the enormous television screen and her husband who had been seated on the couch listening with undisguised interest.
“She’s always going to be there you know,” he had said without turning away from the screen then glancing back at it.
Sitting down adjacent to him Lana had replied, “I know.”
“Good. I loved her, Lana. Some part of me still does. You can’t possibly understand what it was like to go all those years without so much as an ounce of honest affection from anyone who didn’t have an ulterior motive about latching onto my money and then to come across it from likes Chloe who didn’t care about such things as that. She cared for me, not for the money I had or the status.”
Something in Lana’s heart had cracked because she knew that the words he spoke were true. All her life she had known that there was someone watching out for her. People had loved Lana Lang for the person she was, not what she represented and it destroyed her to know that Lex had never experienced the same feelings and securities that knowledge had brought with it. Chloe had indeed been a lifeline to the man, drawing him away from the impending cynicism about people that had been threatening to control him. Lana had never tried to deny that but she had thought all along that maybe Chloe hadn’t been the only one. Hadn’t she shown Lex love and compassion as well?
Perhaps it wasn’t the same thing to Lex. She might have been kind to him, she might always have acted in his best interests and backed him in everything he had ever done with his life but the pale young blonde girl from his past would always be his first true love. For the longest time Lana had thought that she could deal with that, she could put it aside and forget about it even if he couldn’t but now she wasn’t so sure. She would never be able to forget the look of pure anguish that had rushed to his features on reading that she was dead and for the first time in as long as she could remember, sat there on the veranda with the stars still glistening overhead, Lana wondered whether she had done the right thing all those years ago.
A noise from behind her, near the house, startled the brunette and she shifted slightly so that she could see the figure who was stood in the middle of the French doors. Lex looked ill. He had pulled on a t-shirt that had once been black but now had dulled to a washed out grey to protect against the cool of the mountain air and was standing with his arms crossed against his chest. Even across the distance between them Lana could see that he appeared to be even paler than usual and that the dark rings around his eyes seemed to be worse than ever.
A daunting sensation began to grow in her heart as he stepped outside and approached her, eventually perching sideways on the other recliner so that he could look at her. There was something nervous about his posture; a characteristic that Lana knew was rare for the man now seated across from her. In all the years that she had known him Lana figured that she could have just about counted on one hand all the times she had seen him in such a state before and for her it was unsettling, disturbing in what it told her about the conversation that was to come.
“I rang Clark when you were out today,” he said and to Lana it sounded like a confession. “I wanted, needed to find out how it happened.”
Nodding and swallowing at the same time Lana then asked, “What did he say?”
“It was cancer; apparently the same type that her mother died of. She was ill with it for years but never told anyone until it had progressed too far to hide anymore. When it got bad she finally told Clark and he looked after her for the last couple of months before… Well, you know before what. Anyway, he’s sending me some letters that she wrote before she died. There’s one for you and one for me and a whole stack of ones that she’s apparently been writing ever since she found out she was ill.”
“Why didn’t she send them before?”
“I don’t know. I wish she had done.” He fell silent, tapping his bare feet on the decking for a few minutes and wringing his hands together while he elbows were rest on his knees. She could tell just by looking at him that he was building up to something and the thought frightened her. Lana tucked her feet up closer to her body and hugged her legs. “We don’t work anymore do we?” he said finally. The question was clearly rhetorical but he still glanced up at her face to make sure she was not going to make a reply. When she said nothing he continued, “We haven’t worked for a while Lana and its making us both miserable. You can’t live with what I’m feeling at the moment and what I’m going through… I can’t live without it. I need to mourn and you can’t let me.”
Taking a deep breath Lana said, “Maybe we just need a little time apart.”
He met her eyes with his and there was something in the depths of those blue orbs that scared her. “No, I don’t think so.”
Lord God what was he going to do? A shiver of fear ran through her and suddenly Lana could see a chasm before them that she was nearly certain was bottomless and in her mind she knew that if she let him go now then he was going to fall and there would be no saving him. “But what if…” She found she was unable to finish because looking into those eyes she knew she wasn’t the person to pull him back. He’d just drag her down into his personal hell with him because there was something in him that wanted to do so. “Don’t do this, Lex. You don’t have to.”
“You always meant so well didn’t you?” he asked gently and reached across to cup the side of her face and run his thumb over her cheek. When he drew away again Lana could see that there was a tiny trail of water on his hand and realised that a tear must have escaped her eye. “You’re too good for me.”
Shaking her head the brunette said, “No I’m not.”
“I’m going to leave in the morning and head back to the Metropolis. I thought that you could go to the house in Smallville so you can be near your family. I’ll have your letter sent there for you.”
“I’ll wait for you there,” she told him.
Standing up Lex looked down at her. “I won’t be joining you.” He left, walking back into the house and Lana knew from the sounds she could hear from inside that he had gone into the spare bedroom instead of the one they shared.
“I’ll still be waiting,” she murmured feeling tears threatening to roll down her cheeks once more.
THE END
So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of good health
And good time
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trail
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while
I hope you had the time of your life
‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’ ~ Green Day