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kitten
17th November 2004, 10:27
A Place to Be Good
Smallville NC-17 Fanfiction

SPOILER WARNING: Spoilers up to the episode Spell in Season Four and the previews of Bound.

Disclaimer: Smallville, the characters therein, and all affiliated copyrighted materials are owned by the WB. This is a work of fanfiction not intended for profit or infringement, only for the pleasure of fans of the series.

Distribution: I have posted these stories and have control of them on this site. I don't want them to be posted anywhere else unless I'm the one posting them. Please take down my stories if you have them posted on another archive site. I understand I can't stop you from doing this but I hope by asking politely you'll respect my work and my wishes. If anyone has more comfort and convenience saving the text of a story to their own computer, I have no problem with that.

A/N: I was working on a character sketch of my idea of Lex for another story but it resisted me and turned into this. The rating is based on concepts of violence (against women) more than actions and it is angsty. This is based on my conviction that Chlex is happening off screen in Season Four. Please note it is written before Bound airs, based on spoilers that may or may not be true.

The charges are dropped against Lex but he thinks it's time to give up on himself.


A Place to Be Good


He knew people thought he was lucky, but Lex Luthor also knew he didn’t deserve luck. There wasn’t enough mercy in the universe to account for all of his near misses. But he was alive and a free man, despite everything, and thanks almost entirely to Chloe.

She couldn’t stop crying.

His chest hurt with it, deeper than the sliced wound from nearly having his heart cut out, hurt with knowing that he hadn’t given anything to Chloe except pain and suffering. Knowing that she would be better off leaving him cold and alone and empty and he had no room to complain.

His touch corrupted, a fact he’d been able to blind himself to for months. He had been drunk on feeling Chloe trust him, drunk on high hopes that he wasn’t his father. Deluded into thinking he could be more than he was with the love of a good woman. It was laughable.

He threw the glass of water in his hand across the room, watching it shatter. The spill pooled on his bedroom floor and Lex looked at it dispassionately. He wanted to be drinking something much stronger, but Chloe was downstairs on the sofa in his study. He didn’t trust himself to have even a sip of alcohol in his bloodstream when she finally told him it was over. All the darkest parts of him were hovering around her jealously, possession and desperation urging him to do something he’d regret forever. Self-preservation was selfishly telling him to hold her any way he could because she was the last bit of luck he was ever going to get.

Sometimes if you reached out to a drowning man he would grab you and pull you in with him, his grip no less deadly for his need of help.

He stuffed his hands into his pockets and stared at the bed. The nightmares were destroying his ability to sleep and he didn’t even like being in this room to shower and change. He’d been sleeping in one of the guest rooms and sneaking back in the morning, trying to cover up his weakness to the maids and butler.

He woke to screaming hatred in his head, directed at countless brunettes smeared in blood and semen. He saw himself holding or tying them down, yelling into their blank faces. Filthy, cheating whore! Slut! That rage had pushed him to destroy evidence and lie to the police, because he knew he there was enough hate in him to kill.

Numerous brunettes had been in this bed, never trusted, but accepted as a necessary evil. They had allowed themselves to be used physically in return for his money and power. They had made him weak and hurt him as he hurt himself with them. The pleasure he got from them was his penance. The last name flitted through his head and he pushed it away. She had never loved him like the small blond who took her place.

Lex knew she would discount the dreams as normal reactions to his extraordinary life experiences, and he craved that comfort badly. But he couldn’t imagine Chloe in his bed without also seeing the bloodied corpse of a young woman who hadn't done anything except wear her brown hair long and give him a friendly hello.

He couldn’t remember the night at all. Past the point where drugs were swimming through his veins for the first time in years, there was nothing. He hadn’t even been able to proclaim his own innocence with certainty.

His defense had been almost entirely the result of Chloe’s work. He knew she had taken Clark with her for most of the investigating, letting the boy believe he was the driving force behind their actions. Just like always, just like Lex, she had given him the illusion of being in charge because he needed it more. Whether it was gender politics at work or just individual personalities, Chloe gave her power away and somehow managed to make it a strength.

He wasn’t able to apologize or explain himself to her, the woman he loved, the woman who had slept in his bed every night for half a year. He had been forced to turn away from her under accusations of his murderous impulses. For a single horrifying day the police had been suggesting that he was a rapist as well. Autopsy results had found that the unfortunate woman dead in the bed with him had not had any sexual contact for days before she was killed, but Lex hadn’t been the one to tell Chloe that. He hadn’t been able to reassure her himself that his hands hadn’t been the ones to kill and violate the woman, that they wouldn’t one day turn against his angel.

He didn’t know why she stayed and because of that he couldn’t trust it. He couldn’t accept her pity or her sacrifice. Not even when his humanity or his monstrosity depended on whether or not she loved him. It wasn’t fair to expect so much when he couldn’t even choke out the words for her.

Lex thought over his life and all the traumas, and he could only conclude he was never meant to be happy. His was meant to be a Greek tragedy of wasted potential for good, every act another turn toward his ruin. Every helpmate who could ease his pain was destroyed along the way until he was truly, finally alone. Every enemy seemed to be bulletproof and constant.

He plodded into the bathroom and splashed cold water over his face, leaving it to bead on his skin. He forced his strides to take on the Luthor walk, powerful, unstoppable. He had to make her leave him, fast.

Chloe was sitting where he had left her hours ago and he kept up the quick strides to sit on the coffee table in front of her. She blinked as his body blocked the heat and light of the fireplace.

“I can’t do this. You should leave.” His shadow covered her but the tears and misery were still visible, and Lex knew it was over. He tried to feel only the relief, but it was followed by crashing waves of pain and loneliness.

Her audible sniffle and big green eyes nearly made him take it back and he looked down at his hands. Reminded himself of those hands on another woman only days before, cheating under the impetus of drugs. Having betrayed her they couldn’t be trusted to touch her anymore.

Lex glanced up and saw the curve of her neck gleaming white and tender. He would miss being trusted to run his teeth along its vulnerable arch, but he cut off the grief by reminding himself of another arched throat that ended up spattered with blood.

It’s over. For Chloe.

He kept his eyes down as she slowly moved off the sofa, pulling on her jacket and picking up her purse. He heard her footsteps echo in the large room as she walked away, then stopped suddenly.

“You know, I never doubted your integrity until now. I never thought you were a murderer or a rapist or an evil man. Now I know you’re worst than all those things.”

Her voice was dripping with condescension and resentment and he welcomed it. Yelling made it easier to let her go because if she was angry she wouldn’t try to stay. Screaming in rage meant she wasn’t crying.

“You’re a liar to me and to yourself and to the world. I might be doomed by saying this, but I do love you and probably will forever and I’ll be damned if you get to run away from your responsibility to me!”

He looked up involuntarily, surprised. She was red-faced and irate, giving every appearance of wanting to kill him. Didn’t she understand he was trying to protect her? If she loved him she deserved his protection even more.

“You’re so blind and stupid and selfish you’re barely alive. You’re the only one who has ever given me any incentive to be a good person and you’re taking it away because you’re scared you might go bad someday. I’ve gone bad and stumbled back from the edge and I didn’t use it as an excuse to punk out on you.”

The rant ended on a tremble through her body but she ignored it, glaring at him hotly. He looked at her in awe as his perceptions tilted and realigned. Chloe thought he held her redemption and couldn’t be bothered to give it to her. She had been chasing after him the way he chased after his father’s love, the way he could easily become obsessed by winning her.

Lex’s head spun with thoughts and memories, all bringing out the sameness of his life and hers. Trying to replace a love that should have been a forgone conclusion but never was, trying to justify being who you’d always been. Hoping someone would meet you halfway and finding no one willing to give even an inch. Feeling the wrongness of being yourself and seeing the evidence of that wrongness in the lack of love you received.

He had hurt her already, used her and discarded her like so many other women in his life. Had tried to escape what he owed her because her pain was too blindingly similar to his own.

Chloe had started crying again because she desperately wanted to stay, but she couldn’t unless he asked her. She stood frozen as Lex looked at her blankly, able to read nothing from his posture.

Stop me, just stop me from going, just ask me . . .

“I know I haven’t been strong enough but I was just waiting for you to hold me. I could probably stop crying if you’d just touch me. You’re - you were - the only person who gave me a place where who I am is good. Where am I supposed to go now?”

Her voice was quiet, stammering in places and lacking the fire of her angry rants. He’d failed and hurt her anyway and Lex stood to stare into the fire. He could feel her eyes on him, pleading, impatient.

Lex Luthor grew up from a lifetime of rich boy self-indulgence in a single word - delivered in a shaky tone that barely made it to her ears. He took all the traumas and shoved past them to an ideal he had only ever given lip service to; hope the colour of the petals of yellow sunflowers and shining like Chloe’s constancy.

“Here.”

It was little comfort to Chloe at first, and even when he turned around with his fist pressed over his chest she didn’t get it. He was pressing against his chest below the wound, but he looked pained. She took a deep breath and reran the words of the past few minutes, his stark few and hers an embarrassing blurt.

Here what? His heart? What about it when she so clearly wasn’t allowed to have it? Her own chest heaved as she let her mind go mad. Had he answered her question?

Lex swallowed hard but sensed she needed him to say it as clearly as he could. He knew she deserved it but the words were so foreign.

“If you’re in -” He broke off and restarted as hurriedly as he had tried to send her away, thumping his fist painfully against his chest. “If you’re here I’ll be able to feel what hurts you and I won’t do it. I’ll be able to try to deserve you.”

Astonishment followed unhappiness and pushed Chloe to step forward. She made herself pause and absorb what she was hearing carefully before she was close enough to touch him. By the time she was in his arms she would be trying so hard to believe it was the right thing that all thought would be willfully gone.

He let his hand drop back to his side and his face fell.

It’s over.

Chloe shook her head and gave up on thought. If she didn’t get across the room to him before he closed off his expression she would lose him anyway. He didn’t move as she dropped her purse and practically ran the distance, snatching his hand up mere seconds after he let it fall and holding it to her own heart.

“We need a lot of things we can’t possibly earn in our lifetimes. Just don’t give up on me and quit messing around with brunettes.”

Chloe tried for a smile that faltered under his intensity. There was such an intimidating burden on his shoulders that she knew it was crazy not to be frightened, but she wasn’t. She wasn’t anything but grateful.

Lex dropped all pretense of strength and pulled her to his body, his hands roughly keeping her close while her arms held him. As long as he could feel her this close he would be able to protect her from himself without having to give her up. They would likely have to play this out a million times over when hurt overcame hope, but for the moment they were trustworthy for each other.

Rae
17th November 2004, 13:54
Excuse me for one moment...

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!

That was just amazing. Your portrayal of Chloe and Lex was heartbreakingly beautiful and the pain the two were feeling was almost tangible. You made me all teary-eyed and angsty, nonky! I'm not sure if I should glare at you or not.


Sometimes if you reached out to a drowning man he would grab you and pull you in with him, his grip no less deadly for his need of help.

That line really got to me. No words can describe.

As for the ending, I really enjoyed it. It resolved their issues but it wasn't sunshine and roses. Very realistic.


Again, superb story. Keep it up!

sylvia
17th November 2004, 14:19
Wow.

:worship2:

Your stories really make me believe in Chlex. Awesome work on this piece.

lexodus
17th November 2004, 15:53
:worship2:

:ohmy:

hfce
17th November 2004, 17:48
That was great, intense, and haertbreaking but I have one question what made it Nc-17?


Hope :wub:

kitten
17th November 2004, 18:02
The inner monologue is the NC-17 part, with Lex's unresolved issues toward certain brunettes (But NOT that one) acting itself out in violence in his dreams was what earned the rating. This paragraph was nearly a last minute delete because it uses sexual violence to relate Lex's wounds from women:


He woke to screaming hatred in his head, directed at countless brunettes smeared in blood and semen. He saw himself holding or tying them down, yelling into their blank faces. Filthy, cheating whore! Slut! That rage had pushed him to destroy evidence and lie to the police, because he knew he there was enough hate in him to kill.

hfce
17th November 2004, 22:16
Originally posted by nonky@Nov 17 2004, 05:02 PM
The inner monologue is the NC-17 part, with Lex's unresolved issues toward certain brunettes (But NOT that one) acting itself out in violence in his dreams was what earned the rating. This paragraph was nearly a last minute delete because it uses sexual violence to relate Lex's wounds from women:


He woke to screaming hatred in his head, directed at countless brunettes smeared in blood and semen. He saw himself holding or tying them down, yelling into their blank faces. Filthy, cheating whore! Slut! That rage had pushed him to destroy evidence and lie to the police, because he knew he there was enough hate in him to kill.
Ok thanks for clearing that up. :blush:

campbti
18th November 2004, 04:21
That was beautiful. The episode was actually pretty intense, it would have been better without any Lana and without Clark being so unbelievably self-righteous. Oh well, what's new.

Your writing was exquisite, you drew the pictures beautifully.

Great job.

:chlexsign2:

autumngold
18th November 2004, 07:49
What a moving portrait of Lex and Chloe's relationship!! Absolutely beautiful!! Thank you so much for this story!!!! :wub: :chlexsign4: :wub:

AlabamaWorley
18th November 2004, 18:02
Very nicely written!

S.Ann Smith
19th November 2004, 01:49
:heart: I think I love you nonky.. your post eps make the eps worthwhile :heart:

divine02us
19th November 2004, 09:20
Damn.

That was amazing.

Your story left me teary-eyed, it's so beautifully tragic.

D

randa
19th November 2004, 21:42
amazing


randa

emnorth2002
22nd March 2005, 16:46
“You’re - you were - the only person who gave me a place where who I am is good.”

Damn, I loved that line. Beautiful story!

squash
23rd March 2005, 02:12
What a moving portrait of Lex and Chloe's relationship!! Absolutely beautiful!! Thank you so much for this story!!!! :wub: :chlexsign4: :wub:

Just what I was thinking. That was just really a great portrayal of them.

Nadia_
23rd March 2005, 02:54
I'not sure I can wite something right now... That was just *amazing*. You make me believe in the Chlex realtionship, *really* belive!
It's really screw up,it haves a lot of barriers, problems and make anyone to cheer up for it, and cty for it, and love it!

But now, I need some really sugar fluffy fics...

Blaire023
23rd March 2005, 08:41
*waves hands in front of eyes*

mascara...smearing...*sniffles*

squash
24th March 2005, 07:55
well done

starmoon
27th March 2005, 10:12
i love this story!!!!!!!!

meghan036
12th April 2005, 01:54
that was beatiful. I may cry. It was filled with such emotion. Love it.

kimmie
28th June 2006, 21:54
that was so emotional, i went from upset and hurt for both Lex and Chloe to happiness that he admitted he needed her!

-K-

Nimmie
25th January 2009, 21:20
I'm hurting just a little, that was painfully good. ie Brilliant but angsty. Well done

Thanks
N

Ami Rose
7th January 2014, 19:51
Intense! But so glad he gave into her!!!!